Reclaiming Day 4

Yesterday afternoon I received from Tiarnie Wielder of Guided From Within a one card reading of Wild Unknown Tarot Deck.

Emotional. Romantic.

It first felt as though it was a call to my own romancing. It had been a few days since a foot bath after all.

The connection to this came after 10pm when at first H refused to hold baby the way she wanted to be. Argument ensured, he insulted me, and I cried. I was called a slave to my offspring, for responding to her need to be held. I was offended for my efforts and for the mothers past unappreciated. I was offended for my need to hold my offspring instinctively, and everybody else who want to actually hold babies. I was insulted for his mother that raised him on her own.

Offended for past slaves, whose task was to wet nurse all her master's brood before her own, only to have those children turn on her as they grew into their whiteness.

I made him 'apologise', though in his sleepy state the conversations were disjointed and I ceased perusing.

I cried some more. Baby's cries went from general displeasure to gum pains and finally to I'm thirsty from all this crying, I allowed mine to run its course as baby lulled to sleep in my arms. During which I messaged MIL to ask about the next course of action.

She called me. We both vented, laughed, I cried some more as she listened. 3 hours later we agreed to hang up as we were both busting for the toilet, and implement a few things when she came over on the weekend.

It took another hour before I decided to write H a letter of where I was at, and outlining his choices.

Heart broken, offering of reconciliation.

We spoke in the morning, and he only left realising he was running late. Leaving me to catch up with the sleep I didn't get 'because he wanted one'. 

Kareena Glanville explained so eloquently what I had called 'coming down from seminar high.' It's the sensation of coming back into the familiar environment after doing breakthrough courses, and feeling disappointed with reality. She calls it 'the hangover', where resistances, self-doubt, negativity creeps into the psyche as your own voices, or external unexpected events, or some combination of both. 

Being called a slave of my offspring, and my reaction to it, certainly fits the description. Decision to not to tolerate verbal abuse and in extent to his recent avoidance behaviour certainly fits this category.

I didn't think Relationships would be the first priority when I started this public journaling of my processes, though reading back at my first post I put Health (managing sleep) and Relationship Communication as the first two issues that came to my mind. In hindsight perhaps the healing were heading in this direction all along.

So to recap I used:

- Attempts at communicating

- Crying until empty (catharsis)

- Reaching out and talking about it

- Some decisions about my tolerance and what I'm worth

And finally

- Slept with baby for her naps.

I also took some extra vitamins for boost and Rescue Remedy a few times over the course of the night/day.