Day 70 - Couple Care Date

H decided one day that as a treat, he wanted to go to Gold Class to see the new Star Wars movie. He had never done Gold Class movies before, and it had been years since I went once. This took quite a bit of organising, including the question of will mother in law be available to babysit. After some doubts about her work hours, it finally came to pass that she was.

Then it was a matter of getting baby used to her grandmother, which would have required a more frequent visitation. This took a bit of back-and-forth to arrange time, but we did it.

I noted my nervousness increasing. I knew baby would not like being separated. She does not fall asleep easily and will not sleep anywhere else but on or beside me. I kept remembering how the last time the babysitter was over it took just half-hour before she was over being with somebody else. I also noted mother-in-law's low self-esteem, and worried she would take it personally that there was nothing she can do to settle baby.

Coupled with anxiety of Christmas, I wasn't feeling too good about the day, at the same time being excited over the first date since birth.

I woke to cramping belly and thought my period had started, as it was due today. After lulling baby back to sleep, I got up after 5am and curled up on the couch for a short while. Strangely turning the tv on broke that state, and further improved by drink and food. By the time baby woke up properly, a little after 8am, I was feeling much more positive about the day to come.

The sleep-in also meant happier baby to be left in care. I also wrote a few 'instructions', which made me feel more confident about leaving her.

The date went well and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves for a few hours.

Apparently, as I predicted, baby wailed until she passed out for 2 hours, and had only just woken up when we arrived home. Mother-in-law had her nap with her, which I was pleased about.

I tried to deflect her saying "good girl" (one of the instructions was to phrase it another way), but as she kept repeating it, I see that this is one area that needs more work on and a constant reminder. It will also be beneficial to have H on board with it. It is a boundary and respect issue.

Overall it was a great day.

Day 65 - Inviting People

With all the releasing I did yesterday, I had made stronger connections with people today.

Thank you all for a listening ear, your company, and shared laughter.

Thank you also for making me feel valued and useful.

Weekend Holiday (Brisbane)

H decided it was in his best interest not to make the effort to go home after his work Christmas party. He booked us a hotel room closest to the venue, which was in the City Hall, and made a short holiday out of it. It was an opportunity for both of us to find things we had not seen or done in a familiar and well-traveled environment.

In the morning to cater for his transport needs, I drove him to the station. As I took the bus in when I left, that solved the parking question.

I actually missed the bus I wanted to catch by a few minutes, so instead of waiting in the sun for the next hour, I returned home and put some extra things in the bag. Even with this opportunity I forgot the hotel itinerary and the bank details, that I only remembered halfway there on the train already. However the concierge and H was fine with it and managed to get into the room before H finished work and then for him to pay when the extra key got picked up by him. It was a relief.

Planning worked out as such that a friend could come by at the same time H arrived walking from work. We all hung out together in the room until it was time for her to leave. She brought a Care Bear for baby's early Christmas present and we all had a good time watching her explore this new thing. H got ready for his function, and I left to find food.

King George Square was packed with people there for the lighting of the Christmas Tree. I was more interested in looking for somewhere I had not eaten at or from, so I made my way through the crowds to Queen Street Mall. It was an especially popular Friday night with long queues for many places, I ended up in a Night Owl ordering a toasted sandwich and a coffee, as "I had never been to that particular one before." I headed back towards the hotel thinking to continue baby's nap time peacefully. That of course did not happen as the carols on the loud speaker woke her up and she did not sleep until just before H came back. In the meantime she played on the bed, sometimes with the new bear, sometimes with the ball of yarn I was crocheting from. I found it hilarious how this little person could take up an entire queen-size bed.

H told me how he left the group after just 1 vodka shot, and also feeling anxious about a presentation that he got roped into for next year. I reassured him that it's not happening until next year so don't worry about it. I also recounted how I used to be very nervous about oral exams and was a poor presenter, until I realised that if I could survive a black belt exam, a short speech on a well-researched topic was not such a big deal in comparison. That I enjoy public speaking now because of that realisation. He finally agreed that his black belt exam was grueling but survived in one piece, He was just glad he could be horizontal now instead of in an hour's time.

The headache from the previous day subdued to background issue for the entire day, which made things run more smoothly than I had imagined and was worried about.

Saturday morning we ended up at the hotel's restaurant for a buffet breakfast. We reminisced our honeymoon trip's breakfasts, how delicious they were, except for that one place with ham-flavoured orange juice. We then strolled the mall before anything opened. Window shopping sans crowd.

I had to return back to the room to get my phone, to contact my friend to confirm our brunch at 10am. It was a great pick as H and I had never been to that cafe before. H was starting to get agitated that she was running late, going by the record that she had not arrived on time for her doula appointments earlier in the year. She is moving to Sydney in the new year so it was nice to catch up with her before her move. We also exchanged Skype details so she could see one of her assisted babies grow up on camera, like my dad does when he calls.

We strolled through Myer center and the aircon next. Baby napped on my back and unlike a backpack the weight is not easy to adjust. H had his turn at the display massage chair in the electronic section, and I watched in envy. I had my turn when he offered to put a coin in for a 5 minute paid one when we sat at one and I took baby off onto the couch where she dosed for a few more minutes before the posture got uncomfortable enough to wake her.

For the rest of the afternoon, after the cleaner had left, and I had a shower and baby had a sponge down on the basin, all three of us napped for 3 solid hours. I forgot to mention to please replace the milk we used up so that was the end of having coffee until we got back home. I also dripped blood all over some of the towels which I felt bad about, and got baby's poo on top of it for a nappy change, which erased my guilt. The bath mat got flipped over instead.

One of the popular places I noted the previous night was a dumpling specialty restaurant that had opened while I had not visited the city. Harajuku Gyoza had an obnoxiously friendly and fun atmosphere. One table ordered sake shots and the wait staff encouraged the whole shop to cheer for them. The meal was delicious, baby munched on edamame husks and the black serviettes (which made it look like she ate nori), and fried Nutella and banana gyoza with ice-cream a memorable desert. The kind of place mum would have hated for being loud and immature, both in decor and volume.

We returned to the room for the last time for the day. H discovered the Sound of Music on TV, from the Lonely Goatherd puppetry scene. It was on for the 50th Anniversary special. Watching the movie while commentating on scenes from places we visited in Saltzberg and the tour, as well as the World War II memorials, gave the story a fresh perspective.

Sunday Morning I woke at 6.30 and H woke from my rustlings. Baby on the other hand took much encouraging to wake up, but it also meant we could pack most of the bags before leaving for breakfast. We decided on a place from around the block. Unfortunately a place that was short-staffed and one of two only places open for trading, we got our meals but we had to leave before our drinks arrived. There was no need to add to our frustration of watching other people that arrived after us get served before us. Then it was just a matter of going back to the room to picking up our luggage, checking out, and heading for the station. For some reason the trains were only running once an hour instead of every half-hour, we had McDonalds orange juice as coffee substitute while we waited. It worked out at the other end though as the bus to get home left just as we got on it.

The timing was also great that about an hour later it rained for a little bit, and then storm came at night. Traveling is better in sunny weather than wet.

I finally got the coffee I wanted at night as we got a new bottle of milk for our groceries.

Day 36 - Partner List

This morning Kylie Stretton shared an extract from her book, an event from the time when her first child was a toddler:

FINDING KYLIE BOOK EXTRACT PAGES 30-31: 

One hot summer afternoon just after Christmas, we were in the backyard having a barbecue and Kain was splashing around in his toddler pool. I had just found that Happy book I had read three years earlier so I sat beside him and started reading it again from the beginning. Again, it was like a bell went off in my brain, but louder this time and the words jumped off the page: “You become what you hang around.” I looked up at a crowd of twenty of Johnny’s mates standing around swearing their heads off, drinking beer from stubbies and smoking bongs, cooking up snags on the barbie with holey shorts on and no shirts or shoes while music with disgusting lyrics blared from the speakers. Then an image flashed into my mind: I was wearing a long, sparkling red evening gown and my hair and make-up was perfect. I was sitting at an elegant dining table in a beautiful house sipping fine wine at a banquet. I was surprised and had no idea where this image came from. But it was enough to make me stand up, pick up the baby and run inside. I locked us in the bedroom and after I had dried and dressed Kain I sat down with a pen and paper and started writing down everything I wanted my boyfriend to be: 

I want him to hold my hand in public.
I want him to listen to me.
I want him to show me affection (not just when he wants sex).
I want him to be my best friend.
I want us to be a team and care for our child together.
I want him to take us out for dinner.
I want him to accept me for who I am.
I want him to want a life with me and make plans for the future.
I want him to believe in me.
I want to feel beautiful.
I want him to love me.
I want him to treasure our son and me. 

The list went on and on. Later, I showed Johnny and he laughed in my face saying the only guy I’d find who would do those things would be a gay guy. Then he ripped it to pieces and burnt it. I ran to the bedroom and cried for the rest of the night but later I wrote the list out again and hid it so well even I couldn’t find it later! It didn’t matter though; the words were imprinted in my brain. ‪#‎FINDINGKYLIEBOOK‬

I remembered that I showed a similar list to my date one time, after hearing about how this person did it on their first date. That their reaction would be an indication of that date's commitment. Whether the date foresaw a short-term or long-term relationship. And if the date was willing to be those things now. Or that they would run away right then, in which case it wasn't going to last anyway.

The list came about from a relationship section of a few different personal development activities. It came about while I was dating a previous partner. When that relationship ended, I revised the list, and saw that most of it still applied.

But the most important part of these qualities I wanted from him was, that I could not ask someone to do these things for me if I wasn't doing these for myself, That how could I ask him to do these for me without me doing these things for him.

That this list is not a one-off 'job interview' checklist (although works perfectly well for conversation material!), but a lifetime commitment to myself.

Am I kind to myself in public?
Do I listen to what I was saying to myself?
Do I show myself affection?
Am I my best friend?
How committed am I to loving my family?
Do I take me out on meal or coffee dates?
How often do I review future plans?
Do I accept me for who I am?
Do I believe in me?
What do I do to feel beautiful?
Do I love me?

Yes, what a question: "Do I love me?"

*Finding Kylie now out. Purchase it here.

Day 35 - Listen

Mother used to tell me I need to say more, that conversation takes two people. Whenever I had my silent moment during when she wanted an interaction, she would bring out the ping pong analogy. That when one person serves, the other one returns the ball, and the game keeps going.

So desperate for human contact, it never occurred to her that declining a game is also an option.

To play the game, both parties must know the rules.

For the game to continue, all parties must understand the implications of how the rules apply.

For the game to begin, both parties must actually want to be there, or have an understanding why they may not.

If the goal of the game is to keep returning the ball as long as possible, instead of a table tennis tournament where the goal is to trick the other player into making an error, then those conditions must also be understood.

In the case of my mother, because she spoke so much, it didn't occur that I would prefer not to, or to think about what to say, or be overwhelmed by the magnitude of the question that I didn't know how to reply.

My limited Japanese would often result in her giving me language lessons.

Her quick judgement made me cautious of what I disclosed in the first place.

But sometimes she would interrupt my day-dreaming so she could feel like she had company. And get angry because I missed that she was talking to me.

I learned elsewhere that communication, actually, is mostly listening.

That what is returned isn't voices, but a respectable space for the other person.

And if that means sitting in silence for a while to observe the atmosphere, then it is more mindful than shouting at each other wondering why we are not heard after all that effort.

Day 33 - A Long Drive

A lot had been on my mind concerning the unfolding of this week's events and was itching to get out of the house.

I went to the perinatal wellness group Peach Tree, then browsed around the shops, then went for a lot of driving.

In between, I attempted many words at how to tell H of what he had been doing to me, swinging between total absence and encroachment. Driving and talking to myself seemed to bring up some answers, and I also went to a town I've never been to before. The more driving I did, more was revealed.

The first drive revealed where H may have picked up his behaviour from. Media has a lot to answer for showing men what is and is not acceptable display of affection.

The second drive revealed what to thank the man for, and all the others invading my personal space.

The third drive took me to my mother-in-law's place, and even though the stay was short, it was nice to have a chat and a laugh. I didn't reveal all that was happening as at that point I was still working on unraveling.

The fourth drive's message was to hold a non-judgmental space for him. It also put baby to sleep which was convenient.

Upon returning home, I opened a circle just for us, where I attempted to get to his heart-space. It took a bit of listening and holding before he opened up to his vulnerability, his fears, and the subsequent rejection he may experience.

It required a gentle reminder that I was giving him undivided attention now.

He told me I had been pushing him away at every advances. The more I rejected him, the more entitled his behaviour became. And my explanations got interpreted as more rejection.

Yes I have been, because what he had been giving me is not what I wanted, nor had the energy to reciprocate.

It turned into a 'shortcut' cycle and desire for instant gratification.

I was finally able to communicate that I wanted quality from him, and did he not also want quality?

He expressed his frustration of how things had to change with baby needs coming first. That hours-on-end romancing was not going to happen any time soon. That is something that has to be worked on and, what our new romancing style will look like, will also take time to blossom.

H finally relaxed into the non-judgement and asked for a well-deserved back and neck massage.

Day 14 - Relationship Assessment Meeting

Once in a while I would wish H and I had a scheduled connecting time. An occurrence would happen, as with any relationships, that required much discussions and resolving. Following the event I would suggest having something more frequently, and he replied that he preferred things to happen more spontaneously. Weekly coffee dates/lunch and grocery shopping, in hindsight, had taken its place as a scheduled spontaneous connecting time. 

It became less frequent while I had a weekend employment, and even rarer after baby's arrival. Private time together were non-existant while my support people were around, and by the time that dust had settled watching tv at night during dinner had become a new daily routine.

As we both have introverted personalities that require lots of personal space. However, his gaming started to get to me when, by the time I had waited for him to finish a round, it had been hours and he was ready for bed. He got increasingly narky about my requests while he was playing. He would sit baby at his lap and get angry at her for 'not sitting still' and move her away while I had asked him to look after her. As her awareness became clearer she would look over at him, staring into the screen. As I held her beside him, she would reach out to his headphones. It would take loud prompting to get any attention at all.

Sunday prior to the big blow-up, I walked out, leaving baby on the desk. For months, my request for hugs were denied as he pointed out I was already getting a hug from the baby as I fed her. He would offer to make tea as hug replacement, and many cups were drunk . My stress-levels were rising as every time I looked up I could see him gazing into the screen. For me to initiate a conversation I would gauge if he was in the middle of a battle or travelling, as I am aware of how distracting it is to have someone talk to me while I'm in the middle of a quest.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Relaxing. It's the weekend."

Where's my relaxing weekend!?

After much reflections and discussions, changes that were implemented seem to have gone well during the week. We were much more kind and loving towards each other, and to the baby. I wanted to make sure things were as good as it looked.

I announced our first Relationship Assessment Meeting. It was to be a safe space for everyone involved to share what was on their mind, especially appreciations and disappointments. While for now it is only H and I, the forum will eventually allow baby's voice and contribution too.

This session included how we were coping with the changes, and for some immediate things to action in the near future, before the next review. 

While I am considering to add more questions, I started with these:

- What 1 thing do you commit to for your own happiness?

- What 1 thing do you commit to for other's happiness?

- What 1 thing would you like me to do for you during the week?

While I would like it to become more of a ceremonial event, I believe the business meeting-like structure worked well for our first time around.

Day 13 - In a Dream

Well after midnight H hobbled out of the bedroom, being woken by a dream. I was up because long naps in the afternoon usually pushes my sleepiness back. He told me of how I gave my wedding ring to his ex-girlfriend, she was happy about it, they watched the Lord of the Rings with her siblings and the movie morphed into a Delta Goodrem music clip, He was weirded out for a long time by the non sequitur of a story line. I pushed through with my usual questionings anyway.

"What do I and her have in common" finally dislodged some answers. He shared how different I was from the previous girlfriends. It took him back to our first months of courting. I left an impression enough for him to want to see me the next time, and the next time, and then spend some more time.

He reflected on how much he appreciated me then. Perhaps it was what he needed to bring those feelings into our relationship now.

I needed to hear those words, still feeling tender from the other day. And also to share a much needed long, quiet, uninterrupted cuddle.

Reclaiming Day 4

Yesterday afternoon I received from Tiarnie Wielder of Guided From Within a one card reading of Wild Unknown Tarot Deck.

Emotional. Romantic.

It first felt as though it was a call to my own romancing. It had been a few days since a foot bath after all.

The connection to this came after 10pm when at first H refused to hold baby the way she wanted to be. Argument ensured, he insulted me, and I cried. I was called a slave to my offspring, for responding to her need to be held. I was offended for my efforts and for the mothers past unappreciated. I was offended for my need to hold my offspring instinctively, and everybody else who want to actually hold babies. I was insulted for his mother that raised him on her own.

Offended for past slaves, whose task was to wet nurse all her master's brood before her own, only to have those children turn on her as they grew into their whiteness.

I made him 'apologise', though in his sleepy state the conversations were disjointed and I ceased perusing.

I cried some more. Baby's cries went from general displeasure to gum pains and finally to I'm thirsty from all this crying, I allowed mine to run its course as baby lulled to sleep in my arms. During which I messaged MIL to ask about the next course of action.

She called me. We both vented, laughed, I cried some more as she listened. 3 hours later we agreed to hang up as we were both busting for the toilet, and implement a few things when she came over on the weekend.

It took another hour before I decided to write H a letter of where I was at, and outlining his choices.

Heart broken, offering of reconciliation.

We spoke in the morning, and he only left realising he was running late. Leaving me to catch up with the sleep I didn't get 'because he wanted one'. 

Kareena Glanville explained so eloquently what I had called 'coming down from seminar high.' It's the sensation of coming back into the familiar environment after doing breakthrough courses, and feeling disappointed with reality. She calls it 'the hangover', where resistances, self-doubt, negativity creeps into the psyche as your own voices, or external unexpected events, or some combination of both. 

Being called a slave of my offspring, and my reaction to it, certainly fits the description. Decision to not to tolerate verbal abuse and in extent to his recent avoidance behaviour certainly fits this category.

I didn't think Relationships would be the first priority when I started this public journaling of my processes, though reading back at my first post I put Health (managing sleep) and Relationship Communication as the first two issues that came to my mind. In hindsight perhaps the healing were heading in this direction all along.

So to recap I used:

- Attempts at communicating

- Crying until empty (catharsis)

- Reaching out and talking about it

- Some decisions about my tolerance and what I'm worth

And finally

- Slept with baby for her naps.

I also took some extra vitamins for boost and Rescue Remedy a few times over the course of the night/day.