Day 107 - Mumbie

2 days of late nights with baby is starting to affect my mood and functionality.

Today we made it to Peach Tree around 10.30 as she had slept until after 10am. Ok kid put your clothes on we are leaving now.

After group we checked out Duo Cafe to see who this stalker on Instagram was. This will get their attention I'm sure.

Day 98 - Of Releasing

I cried, grieved and tantrumed about a few 'undisclosed' issues. I got to the petrol station and waited out the wailing before proceeding with the purchase and payment. The woman behind the counter was compassionate to my state. I got home and cried some more. I threw blame at H until I came out the other side to my ownership.

That I don't trust people easily because I don't feel safe unless under strict safety protocol, that what say will be given space and respect.

That while I idealise independence, I never learned how to be independent.

It wore on baby's patience as sitting on the couch with weepy mama was not comfortable enough to fall asleep, and I eventually released enough to take her to bed.

H and I were able to have meaningful connection when I came out.

However the headache remained and increased in intensity. Even though I was hungry when I requested it, the actual preparation gave me dizzy spells. I watched H eat, I called out for help in Mind Your Own Vibrations, and napped 2 hours with baby.

I received 2 RUOK pm's. Even in the midst of communicating is hard, I received very meaningful communications.

I.R.O.K.

Day 62 - Worrying

Worrying got me nowhere.

Baby in pain and I had no clue what was going on.

So I napped with her.

While she was in her deep sleep I got up and did some more writing.

While she was awake, it was a matter of gauging where her mood was at, trying to eliminate possible cause. It's frustrating to not know why, but also, it must be so frustrating for her too not be able to communicate, just cry out.

Day 31 - Sleep

It's been a month of recording my self-care journey. Has things improved? I'm not sure. I had a meltdown this morning after having had enough of touching and mis-matched Love Languages between myself and H. It feels unfair that he can be perky anytime he wants and it especially happens when I'm on limited sleep.

With afternoon naps pushing back my night down-time, still buzzing from too many cookies, and despairing at the world, I went to sleep after 1am and baby woke up at 3am. Which woke H up. It took many visualisations to settle the flashbacks that kept reappearing in different shapes. Finally I used the Sleep Meditation app to fall asleep.

One thing this app is efficient at is to relax the body into deep sleep. It's a shock to the system to be woken up before the full rest cycle finishes.

So squirmy baby on one side and squirmy H on the other side was too much physical contact. Baby fully awake I got up to get a drink.

Instead of staying with the baby, H decided to follow me and try seducing me. On top of this, feeling touched out already wasn't going to get me in the mood. Finally, baby started wailing, to discover that she had fallen off the edge of the bed (which would not have happened if he stayed with her in the first place).

He went back to bed and I settled her, and requiring personal space, I placed her with him and I stayed on the couch. Baby wasn't impressed by this. Her crying, my crying, his plea to be left alone (and go to work) cycled all the way to me having a meltdown. He vowed to not touch me again at one point.

After he left I slept... until I woke up just in time to leave to the library for a day out. And then we slept again almost as soon as we got home.

My mood has improved since, though still feeling tender.

Another long night for sure after all that sleeping.

Day 28 - Headache

Headache slowly increased intensity as the hours went by. I woke up with it, still not entirely recovering from yesterday's  interruption. Flashbacks and negative self-talk did their usual things, and I eventually curled up and whimpered in pain and defeat.

Throughout the day, I tried many things:

- Drinking water
- Drinking coffee
- Rescue Remedy
- Massage
- Bath
- Stretching
- Taking magnesium tablets
- Taking painkiller tablets
- Ice pack on my neck
- Attempted nap with baby
- De-armouring visualisation
- EFT
- Sending love and validation to inner 'mean girl'
- St John's Wart tincture

As baby came around to being tired enough for nap attempt #2, I resorted to taking 2nd lot of pain killers. I also applied topically some peppermint essential oil*, on my temples, forehead, back of the neck, and lower back. This time it didn't take long before both of us were asleep.

2 hours later we woke up much rested. Tension subsided from level 8 to 2. I took painkillers round #3, and eft for acceptance.



*Using essential oils with infants is discouraged, please consult an expert if you wish to use it with and for children.

Day 27 - Nap Interrupted

Even though I say I am ok with night time interruption, I take day nap interruptions very seriously.

I didn't realise how seriously until a door-knocker woke baby and my sleep on the couch.

Even though I was upright, it took all their sales pitch and the 'how would you like to pay?' to realise I was being sold to. They did introduce themselves; I don't remember their names, I remembered the company name and their approximate location.

They asked why I wasn't going to purchase. I said I'll think about it. And I thought about it a lot.

I thought about the interrupted nap.

I thought about what I could have said.

I thought about all the previous door-knockers and various impressions they left.

I thought about letting the company know, and typed out a 'feedback' message. I hoped they do read Facebook messages.

I looked at the clock, counting down until H arrived home.

Baby fell asleep finally after 5, and woke up after 5.30.

I thought about how angry, irritated, and disgruntled I was feeling.

I thought about ways on how I could possibly shift this.

Half-hearted attempts never work long-term.

I laughed at this harder than I should have.

Maybe sleep will make me feel better in the morning.

Day 22 - Make Colours Not War

This morning's adventuring took me to browsing the local mall, one of which was a bookshop. I did my usual rounds of the Arts, Animals, Religion, Humour, Self-care, Parenting. As a means of self-preservation, I turned all the titles indicating sleep training to face the back before I went into rage.

It seems that becoming a parent has made me appreciate quality of sleep over counting hours.

On the way out I took note of the colouring in books. It has become a very popular activity over this year. So vast is their selection they have an entire section dedicated to the publications. They had the 'specialty shelf' of the new publications, in front of the standard shelf. Down the bottom of the section over were some more books that didn't fit.

Colouring in books were invading the Military section.

I smiled that 'mindful colouring' were overtaking war history and weaponry reference.

Perhaps that is the way to world peace, if we all invested more in mindfully adding colour to our lives instead of hurting each other.

Day 18 - Full Moon Thunder

Thunderstorms always charges me. With the recent wild weather, yesterday afternoon was the first chance I had to stand in the rain, watch the lightening, and soak up the lively vibrations.

Primal roar calling, nitrate-attaching.

Also aware that beyond the wild weather was the full moon rising; realisation of the potentials, bringing forth the creations.

Staying in the cold rain as long as I could stand, followed by a hot shower to wash it all off; shaking off the last little bit that does not serve me, welcoming all that does.

I did not sleep that night.

Awake, content, anticipating...

What else will my sparkle attract towards me?