It's been a month of recording my self-care journey. Has things improved? I'm not sure. I had a meltdown this morning after having had enough of touching and mis-matched Love Languages between myself and H. It feels unfair that he can be perky anytime he wants and it especially happens when I'm on limited sleep.
With afternoon naps pushing back my night down-time, still buzzing from too many cookies, and despairing at the world, I went to sleep after 1am and baby woke up at 3am. Which woke H up. It took many visualisations to settle the flashbacks that kept reappearing in different shapes. Finally I used the Sleep Meditation app to fall asleep.
One thing this app is efficient at is to relax the body into deep sleep. It's a shock to the system to be woken up before the full rest cycle finishes.
So squirmy baby on one side and squirmy H on the other side was too much physical contact. Baby fully awake I got up to get a drink.
Instead of staying with the baby, H decided to follow me and try seducing me. On top of this, feeling touched out already wasn't going to get me in the mood. Finally, baby started wailing, to discover that she had fallen off the edge of the bed (which would not have happened if he stayed with her in the first place).
He went back to bed and I settled her, and requiring personal space, I placed her with him and I stayed on the couch. Baby wasn't impressed by this. Her crying, my crying, his plea to be left alone (and go to work) cycled all the way to me having a meltdown. He vowed to not touch me again at one point.
After he left I slept... until I woke up just in time to leave to the library for a day out. And then we slept again almost as soon as we got home.
My mood has improved since, though still feeling tender.
Another long night for sure after all that sleeping.
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