Day 98 - Of Releasing

I cried, grieved and tantrumed about a few 'undisclosed' issues. I got to the petrol station and waited out the wailing before proceeding with the purchase and payment. The woman behind the counter was compassionate to my state. I got home and cried some more. I threw blame at H until I came out the other side to my ownership.

That I don't trust people easily because I don't feel safe unless under strict safety protocol, that what say will be given space and respect.

That while I idealise independence, I never learned how to be independent.

It wore on baby's patience as sitting on the couch with weepy mama was not comfortable enough to fall asleep, and I eventually released enough to take her to bed.

H and I were able to have meaningful connection when I came out.

However the headache remained and increased in intensity. Even though I was hungry when I requested it, the actual preparation gave me dizzy spells. I watched H eat, I called out for help in Mind Your Own Vibrations, and napped 2 hours with baby.

I received 2 RUOK pm's. Even in the midst of communicating is hard, I received very meaningful communications.

I.R.O.K.

Day 52 - Burn Release (Anger)

There is a collective unsettled feeling globally, and a few people have written/spoken about encouraging to release anger, resentment, sorrow etc. I wrote about a brief encounter with something from 20 years ago that resurfaced and did not shift for a week, along with all the other gunk.

I got post-it notes to write what I was angry about. It took several goes to complete it, in between baby needs. I included some of baby's complaints as well.

After lunch I quickly visualised connecting the head space and feet space with a grounding and highest potential mists, and a drop of PanAway at my heart space. I prepared baby's safe space near me but away from the cauldron.

One by one I read out loud what was written on the post-it notes and tapped them. Depending on the context, the beginnings differed such as "Even though I'm 'angry', 'sad,' 'still raging mad' about," and the endings finished with "I completely and truly love myself," "I'm okay," and "I'm whole and complete."

Around 2/3 of the way through I became frustrated that the flame didn't stay on long enough to burn properly, so the notes got read out only once and many matches were used to burn the paper. At the end I finished with "We individually and universally resonate, emanate, and are interconnected with all life in an acquiescent calm; in all moments," and put Joy oil on my wrists.

When it was time for baby's afternoon nap, I started Jen Ward's Release the Anger marathon tapping but I yawned so much in the first couple of sentences and fell asleep not long after. Yawning usually signifies releases, and sleep the integration of the shifts. I will attempt to do them again later.