Day 89 - Instagram Account

I finally said YES to getting an Instagram account. At the moment it will get used to post images from the "I am Enough" project. It is day 15.

It amuses me that in two different groups the theme for this weekend was "Saying Yes," being open to opportunities, being brave.

Be enough, be brave.

Day 80 - Socialising

It was a socialising day today, so it felt like I had not ticked anything off on my 100 actions list. However, it did achieve a minor de-cluttering by passing on the Japanese books. It was also an opportunity to be open about my mental health journey. And of course to use Japanese, and some semblance of practicing goals starting to form.

I had a dose of feel-good from a gifting theme day. This was one of the quotes from a reading:

"To be truthful your comfort zone never really existed, it was simply an illusion created by self to keep you feeling safe and small."

I also received a call to action from another reading, which was interesting considering I had an 'off' day of sorts from creating content. Also it was a reminder that I will be required to take big actions towards publishing my works.

On the home front, this is now visible in the dining room at baby's eye level.

 I am perfectly enough day #5

Day 78 - Joy

Today's focus was JOY. This one was easy to list what brought me joy. I also laughed a lot today, was productive with my drawings (did two!), had an enjoyable lunch with baby, and had the opportunity to Skype with my father.

I read a lot of other people's visualisation - interestingly most of the their happy places were by the sea. For the 'waves to wash away their worries.'

Lastly, I washed my hair tonight. Small gesture perhaps, but also an accomplishment to have my own 'washing away my worries' time.

Day #3 of seeing 'I am perfectly enough' on my phone.

Day 76 - Peace

I started the day on the PEACE page.

I make space in this world for peace in all moments. I remove all blockages to manifesting peace in all moments. I stretch my capacity to manifest and accept peace in all moments.

From Jen Ward's Jenuine Healing Sharing Circle

I listed a few things that make me feel peaceful. It was harder than I thought it would be. It made me contemplate what peace means. There were a lot of avoiding sentences, for example 'avoid toxic people.'

"Learn to recognise tension and stress in others around you and be aware of your reaction to it. Always choose which brings peace"

From 'A Perfect Calm' by Alan Hewitt

Today's event I went to Anne Aleckson's Mind Your Own Vibration, as I felt the need for direction for this new year. Among the great messages that were spoken and discussed, it was suggested I do the 'I am enough' exercise as my 100 days goal. To be aware of the shifts that happen as my phone alarms at 4 intervals, I AM ENOUGH.

By the end of the day, I had affirmations running in my head: "I am peaceful, I am peace, I am whole and complete, I am enough."

I also had visuals in my head to turn these affirmations into colouring pages. Which, as I feel into it more, feels like an achievable goal in 100 days. Now to jot down the 100 (micro)action steps.

Day 61 - Rejection (Question Of)

Serephina, Fiona, Isabella

"A happy change or addition is coming your way."
"Now that you've asked the angels for help, be open to receiving Divine guidance and assistance."
"Yes, the timing is right for this new venture. A happy outcome follows your positive expectations."

Truth is very cleansing, it helps you to know your own feelings and priorities on a deeper level. It allows you to share with others in a deeply honest way. Notice the strong and repetitious impressions that come to you through your thoughts, feelings and visions. Even ideal situations require adjustments as you move forward. Take bold steps, while listening to the wise guidance of your heart as you move forward fearlessly.

Day 57 - Do What Makes You Happy

A few things I read and watched today had a theme of 'do what you love.' There has been plenty of reasons (excuses) as to why I don't do the things I love, and plenty of times when my passions were unstoppable.

My work space became decorated today with dinosaurs, gifted yesterday by a friend who's children have outgrown the toys. Behind the laptop is the art supply, ready for use.

What the Angels Want Me To Know About Today spread:

General theme: Astara - "You deserve the best! Reach for the stars with your dreams and desires, and don't compromise."
Possible block: Serephina - "I am the Angel of Families. A happy change or addition is coming to your family."
How to heal the block: Fiona - "Now that you've asked the angel for help, be open to receiving Divine guidance and assistance. You deserve Heaven's help!"
Probable outcome: Oceana - "Take action. You're in touch with your truth in this situation, and you need to trust your gut and lovingly assert yourself."

Take daily small actions towards the big vision. 

From Message from Your Angels Oracle Cards

Day 55 - 7/12/2015

It's a great moment when panic is reassured that there are no further damage. I thought I would be penalised further for not paying the parking fine on time, I was upset that the online payment option was not available yesterday, and the question of am I even heading into the right building and office? The customer service person reassured me that it was okay, agreed with me what a frustrating situation it was.

I also made a call to two friends who listened that I wasn't okay but diverted me to catching up and laughing about a few things.

Today's cards were:
Honey & Coffee

The sweetness of life

Honey was believed by ancient cultures to be the food of the gods. As a medicine, honey is an aid to both internal and external healing. On an emotional level, honey can soothe frayed nerves.
"I open my soul to my own natural sweetness."

The stimulation of life

Coffee is not only a drink that stimulates and satisfies but a medicine with powerful healings. Esoterically coffee represents our desire for stimulation.
"Life excites and delights me."

From Nature's Healing Oracle

Day 53 - Honouring Chaos Beginnings

The plan was for me to go out mid-morning with baby, and H to clean the house. It didn't happen as I had a panic attack and went back to bed instead. Baby had her nap as well and we stayed in bed for over 2 hours. She stirred a few times but went back to sleep quickly with and without my assistance. I got out of bed because my phone was running out of charge.

One of the conversations on Facebook offered me some peppermint tea. I took her up on the offer, kind of, and put peppermint oil on my hands and heart space, and made myself green tea. I also opened the Joy bottle to smell.

To shift my state further, I asked H if he would like pie for lunch. He agreed, and I put the pies in the oven to cook for 50 minutes.

Baby was still asleep.

I asked Earth Magic Oracle Cards what this unsettledness, today and all this week, meant.

Dreamtime/Creation, Childhood/Innocence, Dawn/New Beginnings

Immediately I got CHAOS CHAOS and NEW YEARS. Literally, the end of the year, the child's joy of holidays, all the creating I've been doing recently. Also a reminder that we are still at the beginnings of things, even though we've been in it for a while, with marriage, child, and parenthood.

Their messages were:
* Allow yourself to take risks with self-expression
* The wisdom and faith that you accrued from your life experience are the key to recapturing state of innocence.
* It is time to say farewell to the old and honour the new by releasing any self-imposed constraints or resistance to the truth that you know.

Day 44 - Introduction Page (and Appreciation)

Nap times have gotten easier now that I can back-carry baby. Boobing her to sleep has confined me to the couch, although it is sometimes nice to sleep with her. Front carry naps, which is what we do while out, has become increasingly awkward because of her bulk, and limited my movement and the strength to carry larger items (and dropping food crumbs on her head). Back carrying means I can be mobile in many more ways.

During the first nap, once mobile tasks were done, I sat at the laptop to write my introduction. It's more of a backstory than what I said in my first entry.

I tried to condense it and only catch the key points.

I realised that my parents were doing the best they could at that time. There is a quote that goes, "Your time of blaming your parents have expired." I thank them for giving me a fantastic childhood full of great memories and photo opportunities.

I am thankful for the school library for giving me space. It is where I first came across occult literature. I am thankful for my friends during that time. I am thankful for the 'good' education, the kind I can write in my resume alongside my accomplishments.

I am thankful that I kept questioning. I am thankful for all the knowledge and inspiration I've acquired through my studies.

I am thankful for mum's challenges, as growing into her support person (not quite 'carer') has strengthened my character. That I don't have to do things the way she did things, and also I can choose for myself which of her 'things' I want to pass onto my child.

I am thankful that technology has finally caught up with the way I like to communicate (video calling, instant messaging), that it has opened up avenues to have a relationship with dad.

I am thankful for H's contributions, especially that I can be a stay-at-home mum like I had wanted to. That I now have time to reflect all the time and write this blog. That I'm moving towards what I originally left work to do.

I am thankful for the support I am receiving now. Some of these people I met because of a chance meeting, others through introduction, and a few I don't even remember the exact moment of accepting Friend request on Facebook.

I am thankful for this child coming into my life. I am challenged by her challenges and enjoy her enjoyments. Possibly everything every mother has said ever about her child, that doesn't need to be repeated here.

Lastly I am thankful to my readers, that I have received feedback on how much they enjoy reading my posts. Or that they can relate to the latest episode of my dramas. Or that they are inspired by an activity. When I tag people from whom I had been inspired by, they reply with words of encouragement. That people are clicking on the link at all, and I see the statistics rise, which gives me a self-confidence boost.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Day 42 - Choices

I had several choices for what activity I will be at this afternoon.

Mother in law's birthday celebration for lunch?

A 3-year-old birthday celebration in the park?

Curl up in my anxiety and not leave the house?

First option promised familiarity. However I also mentioned to her why not have a day out with her son, as they have not had an alone time for a while.

Second option promised a fun day out, meeting new people, and expanding the Japanese network I've been wanting for baby and I.

Third option promised me guaranteed coffee and aircon.

My anxiety settled as I said to myself; I will go to the one that serves mine, baby, and their highest good.

I thought I made a mistake when, even arriving at the park earlier, I didn't see any birthday-party or barbecue-like group arriving. I went for a short walk to see if there was another picnic area. I couldn't find it, so I returned. As I didn't have my phone, I thought returning home would be the best option.

It did, but I didn't make it home either. Further up, near the *other* entrance, were two separate parties.

The first one had organised games with older children. It could not be them.

The second group was smaller, and had a few dark-haired people gathered. I cautiously parked, got out, and inconspicuously tried to catch their conversing. It turned out it was them!

I had a good time, baby had a good time, and I think the rest of the people had a great time too.

Now just waiting for H to come home. He must be having a great time too to be out for so long.

Day 41 - Assigning Values

For the dino sketches to be viable, I need to assign value to them. It requires me to convert everything I put into them into money count. Receiving decided amounts will lead to validating of my self-worth and also my works.

The most straightforward one is: what is my hourly value? I have some idea of what my physical labour industry rates were from the nurseries.

What value do I put on my education, both formal and informal, where I learned art?

What value do I put on the extra work, is research time on par with drawing time, or at a different calculation?

Do the characters have an intrinsic value, not necessarily at a time conversion?

Will the value change again once I move away from pen and pencils to computer graphics?

Do I include cost of materials - paper and pen for now, but perhaps later other mediums?

Question I must ask the client is, are the characters a stand-alone or active in a scene? Background details will increase time spent doing them.

I found these tapping from Jen Ward's Jenuine Healing Sharing Circle to be relevant to the topic:

"I make space in the world for all souls to be loved and validated; in all moments"
"I remove all blockages to all souls being loved and validated; in all moments"
"I stretch the worlds capacity to love and validate all souls; in all moments"
"I make space in the world for ignorance and prejudice to be abolished; in all moments"
"I remove all blockages to ignorance and prejudice being abolished; in all moments"
"I stretch the worlds capacity to abolish ignorance and prejudice; in all moments"
"I make space in the world for all forms of abundance to be as valued as much as money; in all moments"
"I remove all blockages to all forms of abundance being as valued as money; in all moments"
"I stretch the worlds capacity to value all forms of abundance as much as money; in all moments"
"I make space in the world for nature to be loved and cultivated; in all moments"
"I remove all blockages to nature to be loved and cultivated; in all moments"
"I stretch the worlds capacity to love and cultivate Nature; in all moments"
"I make space in the world for ignorance and prejudice to be abolished; in all moments"

Day 40 - Story Time

Sometimes I do EFT with baby. I read the sentences out loud, just like I would a picture book. Or show her where I am tapping.

Sometimes I read articles out loud from the phone or the computer screen. If I do, I try to keep topics on the lighter side, or relevant like child-rearing.

Today we read a few pages of Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life. It's fun to put intonations on quotes like "What we think about ourselves becomes truth for us," "Love is everywhere, and I am loving and lovable," and "We must be willing to begin to learn to love ourselves." It is especially entertaining to read them while gauging her chattering and flailing.

I wonder if I can get some mindfulness picture books in the near future that she can read for herself one day?

Day 39 - Maintaining My Vibration

I went to a networking lunch in the city. Even though I left and arrived very early, driving during tired time puts baby to sleep, which is a blessing knowing some babies don't like cars at all. Also leaving early gave me the peace of mind that I could stop to nurse if we needed to, and still arrive on time.

When people started to arrive, it was evident that this month's meeting was going to be a special one with all but one person being a new comer. With introduction, there was artist (me), several writers, and a publishers. The synchronicity was amazing to participate in. Even if it was not so, I enjoyed being around driven and supportive women.

The reason why I went was because Anne Aleckson had posted that she would be speaking. Her topic of raising and then maintaining your vibration resonated with what I've been doing with this blog. It's one thing to intend to change beliefs and attitudes, but it was individual responsibility to then keep maintaining it.

If you approach and interact with people's pure love, you will be meeting yours and their highest good.

Since the visioning of establishing boundaries, it took violent signs to actually set them up. I had door knocked, neighbour drunk-texting me, and H's overenthusiastic affections that I was becoming fearful of.

I saw that it's very easy to blame all these people for not understanding my needs. That they are the ones not respecting me.

But am I respecting myself? Am I denying my own aggressiveness? Am I unintentionally invading other people's personal space?

There are of course examples of where I am not respecting me. That I have aggressive tendencies sometimes. That I take up space all the time.

That when people annoy me, that they are my mirror on areas I can do with improvement, completely accept that I have those personalities inside me, that I can equalise it through my own learnings.

While I work on my self-love, it feels like this sign on the front door is helping with the physical boundaries of the premise:

Do Not Knock!
It wakes the baby that wakes the mother then becomes cranky and the rest of the family suffers for the entire week.

Day 37 - Hold On

With news of atrocities, biased opinions, everyone vying for attention on their crisis, I will hold on to this scene. The knowing that it is not futile, that it is not the absolute end.

That maybe the seed of Lorien that people who have been affected carry will find a home ground to grow from.

"I declare myself a surrogate for world peace, in all moments."

Day 36 - Partner List

This morning Kylie Stretton shared an extract from her book, an event from the time when her first child was a toddler:

FINDING KYLIE BOOK EXTRACT PAGES 30-31: 

One hot summer afternoon just after Christmas, we were in the backyard having a barbecue and Kain was splashing around in his toddler pool. I had just found that Happy book I had read three years earlier so I sat beside him and started reading it again from the beginning. Again, it was like a bell went off in my brain, but louder this time and the words jumped off the page: “You become what you hang around.” I looked up at a crowd of twenty of Johnny’s mates standing around swearing their heads off, drinking beer from stubbies and smoking bongs, cooking up snags on the barbie with holey shorts on and no shirts or shoes while music with disgusting lyrics blared from the speakers. Then an image flashed into my mind: I was wearing a long, sparkling red evening gown and my hair and make-up was perfect. I was sitting at an elegant dining table in a beautiful house sipping fine wine at a banquet. I was surprised and had no idea where this image came from. But it was enough to make me stand up, pick up the baby and run inside. I locked us in the bedroom and after I had dried and dressed Kain I sat down with a pen and paper and started writing down everything I wanted my boyfriend to be: 

I want him to hold my hand in public.
I want him to listen to me.
I want him to show me affection (not just when he wants sex).
I want him to be my best friend.
I want us to be a team and care for our child together.
I want him to take us out for dinner.
I want him to accept me for who I am.
I want him to want a life with me and make plans for the future.
I want him to believe in me.
I want to feel beautiful.
I want him to love me.
I want him to treasure our son and me. 

The list went on and on. Later, I showed Johnny and he laughed in my face saying the only guy I’d find who would do those things would be a gay guy. Then he ripped it to pieces and burnt it. I ran to the bedroom and cried for the rest of the night but later I wrote the list out again and hid it so well even I couldn’t find it later! It didn’t matter though; the words were imprinted in my brain. ‪#‎FINDINGKYLIEBOOK‬

I remembered that I showed a similar list to my date one time, after hearing about how this person did it on their first date. That their reaction would be an indication of that date's commitment. Whether the date foresaw a short-term or long-term relationship. And if the date was willing to be those things now. Or that they would run away right then, in which case it wasn't going to last anyway.

The list came about from a relationship section of a few different personal development activities. It came about while I was dating a previous partner. When that relationship ended, I revised the list, and saw that most of it still applied.

But the most important part of these qualities I wanted from him was, that I could not ask someone to do these things for me if I wasn't doing these for myself, That how could I ask him to do these for me without me doing these things for him.

That this list is not a one-off 'job interview' checklist (although works perfectly well for conversation material!), but a lifetime commitment to myself.

Am I kind to myself in public?
Do I listen to what I was saying to myself?
Do I show myself affection?
Am I my best friend?
How committed am I to loving my family?
Do I take me out on meal or coffee dates?
How often do I review future plans?
Do I accept me for who I am?
Do I believe in me?
What do I do to feel beautiful?
Do I love me?

Yes, what a question: "Do I love me?"

*Finding Kylie now out. Purchase it here.

Day 34 - Questions

"However much I work on my internal self, whether that be mindset, gratitude, medication, counselling, coaching... if I don't change my environment and behaviour, the situation will not shift."

- What in my environment can I physically change?
- Who am I allowing into my personal space?
- When can I make time to implement small changes every day?
- What am I allowing in subconsciously and how do I fortify my boundaries?

Day 26 - From Downer to Laughter

Today I was in stress mindset as I reacted with short temper at other drivers around me.

It came back to me within the hour of expressing this frustration in the shape of a parking ticket.

While I had a platform to express this new drama, waiting all afternoon for H to come home and regurgitate was a very long time. I needed a complete state change.

Even though I didn't feel like it, laughing was going to be it. To get the mood going, I searched Laughter Yoga on You Tube, and watched and did some of the exercises with the baby. Even Miss Serious cracked up laughing occasionally as I laughed and gestured and grinned at each other.

Then I found this video, that introduced their name and a diagnosis.



So in this spirit, I encourage you to read this out loud and replace my name and stuff with yours:

"My name is Mariko"
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
"And I got a parking fine!"
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Very good! Very good! Yay!

Day 23 - Decision

"If you don't make a decision, that's the same thing as deciding that everything shall remain the same."

Receiving a message last night that the person does want to proceed with working with my art definitely concreted my intention to 'draw more,' and 'get to know dinosaurs'.

I also have been made aware that a small tablet is available for purchase at Aldi on Wednesday, that would be an excellent addition to start creating finished images digitally.

Day 20 - Releasing "Not Belonging"

If someone asked for a technique, it's a round-about way of reminding me to do them as well.

I made some time this afternoon to do these tapping, written by Jen Ward of Jenuine Healing. It has been a while since I had done one of her marathon tapping. Statements are said out loud 4 times; 3 while tapping the top of the head and once on the heart. It's a supercharged version of EFT.

"I release the trauma of being grounded on Earth; in all moments."
"I release resenting Earth; in all moments."
"I release feeling like an alien on Earth; in all moments."
"I release the belief that I don't belong on Earth; in all moments."
"I release the trauma of being abandoned on Earth; in all moments."
"I release rejecting Earth; in all moments."
"I release waiting to be saved; in all moments."
"I release hating my Earth body; in all moments."
"I release rejecting my Earth body; in all moments."
"I release the trauma of losing my tail; in all moments."
"I release mourning my tail; in all moments."
"I release having trouble balancing without my tail; in all moments."
"I release feeling like a stranger to humans; in all moments."
"I release the inability to interact with humans; in all moments."
"I release feeling suffocated in this human body; in all moments."
"I release the trauma of losing my wings; in all moments."
"I release grounding myself; in all moments."
"I declare myself a surrogate for humanity in doing these taps; in all moments."
"I release the belief that I am limited to the human body; in all moments."
"I release negating all but the physical interaction; in all moments."
"I release rejecting the reality of my imagination; in all moments."
"I release being locked down in the physical body; in all moments."
"I release rejecting my intangible self; in all moments."
"I release vacillating between vulnerability and superiority in the physical body; in all moments."
"I release denying my true self; in all moments."
"I release the primal need to conquer; in all moments."
"I release the belief that humans are superior to other species; in all moments."
"I release using superiority as a form of denial; in all moments."
"I release the fear of my own vulnerability; in all moments."
"I remove all the self-induced prophecy of the negative force; in all moments."
"I release feeling vulnerable in energy to a negative force; in all moments."
"I release manifesting a negative force; in all moments."
"I withdraw all my energy from anything negative that I have created; in all moments."
"I collapse and dissolve all negative creations that I have created; in all moments."
"I withdraw all my energy from all others' negative creations that I have supported; in all moments."
"I collapse and dissolve the wing that I have supported in all others' negative creations; in all moments."
"I remove all vivaxes between myself and the human body; in all moments."
"I remove all vivaxes between myself and physical existence; in all moments."
"I release being led around by the nose by physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all tentacles between myself and physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove the claws of physical existence from my beingness; in all moments."
"I release being enslaved to physical existence; in all moments."
"I release being diminished by physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all programming and conditioning that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I remove all engrams that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I send all energy matrices into the light that trap me in physical existence; in all moments."
"I send all energy matrices into the light that prevent me from seeing my omniscience; in all moments."
"I send all energy matrices into the light that prevent me from knowing my omnipotence; in all moments."
"I send all energy matrices into the light that prevent my from being omnipresent; in all moments."
"I recant all vows and agreements between myself and physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all curses between myself and physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all blessings between myself and physical existence, in all moments."
"I sever all strings and cords and wires between myself and physical existence; in all moments."
"I dissolve all karmic ties between myself and physical existence; in all moments."
"I withdraw all my energy from physical existence; in all moments."
"I strip all illusion off of physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all masks, walls, and armor from physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all the pain, burden, and limitations that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I remove all the pain, burden, and limitations that I have put on all others due to physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all the fear, futility, helplessness, and unworthiness that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I remove all the fear, futility, helplessness, and unworthiness that I have put on all others due to physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove the illusion of separateness that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I remove the illusion of separateness that I have put on all others due to physical existence; in all moments."
"I take back all the joy, love, abundance, freedom, health, and wholeness that physical existence has taken from me; in all moments."
"I give back to all others' all the joy, love, abundance, freedom, health, and wholeness that I have taken from them due to physical existence; in all moments."
"I release resonating with physical existence, in all moments."
"I release emanating with physical existence; in all moments."
"I strip off all illusion that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I strip off all illusion that I have put on all others due to physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all the masks, walls, and armor that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I remove all masks, walls, and armor that I have put on all others due to physical existence; in all moments."
"I extract all of physical existence from my sound frequency; in all moments."
"I extract all of physical existence from my light emanation; in all moments."
"I shift my paradigm from physical existence to joy, love, abundance, freedom, empowerment, and wholeness; in all moments."
"I shift humanity's paradigm from physical existence to joy, love, abundance, freedom, empowerment, and wholeness; in all moments."
"I transcend physical existence, in all moments."
"Humanity transcends physical existence; in all moments."
"I am centered and empowered in joy, love, abundance, freedom, health, and wholeness; in all moments."
"Humanity is centered and empowered in joy, love, abundance, freedom, health, and wholeness; in all moments."
"I resonate and emanate joy, love, abundance, freedom, health, and wholeness within myself and to all others; in all moments."
"Humanity resonates, emanates, and is interconnected in joy, love, abundance, freedom, health, and wholeness; in all moments."

Day 19 - A Legendary Mystical Creature

On Monday I listened in on a conversation about people remembering being experimented on in their past lives. Even though they said it's ok because they got over it, I was upset that such cruelty continue in this existence.

Along with researching animals of the past for the sketches, as well as the usual triggering articles, took me to despairing this current reality.

Please, take me off this shit planet. Somewhere away from horrible humans.

It's been years since I have felt this way, having made the effort to make myself at home.

It's comforting to hear I'm not the only one feeling this way. That they have their own way of coping at times like these.

This came through Facebook this afternoon.

It made me realise that I don't have to leave to experience what I want, because I have my sparkle with me all the time.


Image courtesy of Thug Unicorn