Day 104 - Still Flat

Period day 3 still feeling a bit flat.

The Rescue Remedy and Christmas Calm got my frantic mood into action and onto the train just in time before the storm came through. And it had cleared by the time I got to the destination to retrieve a tambourine. I'm going to have fun with that.

Day 72 - Bleeding Day

Sometimes a state change happens because of external circumstances. In last night's case, it was a call from a cousin looking for a bed, as her planned accommodation didn't work out. It got me out of my slump, and she was a brief but great company as she settled for the night and before she left in the morning.

However the bleed flow remained just as fierce, with still no appetite and dizzy spells.

H tried to look after me and baby as he noticed. I eventually retreated to bed to crochet horizontally, and finished another square.

Meanwhile baby teeth issues and short temper continued. Tried the numbing gel applications, frozen carrots, cold chamomile tea, lots of cuddling a try, to see which one she was in the mood for at the time.

I also was able to finally connect with dad on Skype; numerous times, as if to catch up with the missed conversations while we were away and he was sick.

Day 52 - Burn Release (Anger)

There is a collective unsettled feeling globally, and a few people have written/spoken about encouraging to release anger, resentment, sorrow etc. I wrote about a brief encounter with something from 20 years ago that resurfaced and did not shift for a week, along with all the other gunk.

I got post-it notes to write what I was angry about. It took several goes to complete it, in between baby needs. I included some of baby's complaints as well.

After lunch I quickly visualised connecting the head space and feet space with a grounding and highest potential mists, and a drop of PanAway at my heart space. I prepared baby's safe space near me but away from the cauldron.

One by one I read out loud what was written on the post-it notes and tapped them. Depending on the context, the beginnings differed such as "Even though I'm 'angry', 'sad,' 'still raging mad' about," and the endings finished with "I completely and truly love myself," "I'm okay," and "I'm whole and complete."

Around 2/3 of the way through I became frustrated that the flame didn't stay on long enough to burn properly, so the notes got read out only once and many matches were used to burn the paper. At the end I finished with "We individually and universally resonate, emanate, and are interconnected with all life in an acquiescent calm; in all moments," and put Joy oil on my wrists.

When it was time for baby's afternoon nap, I started Jen Ward's Release the Anger marathon tapping but I yawned so much in the first couple of sentences and fell asleep not long after. Yawning usually signifies releases, and sleep the integration of the shifts. I will attempt to do them again later.

Day 38 - Flowers

Somewhere along the endless stream of horrors and atrocities filling up my Facebook news feed, I found myself saying 'no more.'

I searched 'Flowers' and found some pages that only do photos of flowers.

I searched 'Plants' and found information on plants, which I had not actively sought for since leaving the nursery last year.

I searched 'Succulents' and found quirky indoor and outdoor decoration ideas.

Some of these pages are currently active, and were worth Liking them.

I hope to break up the world's bleakness by sharing these photos.

And sometimes it's worth revisiting old paths travelled:

Tiergarten, Berlin. Photo by H

Day 34 - Questions

"However much I work on my internal self, whether that be mindset, gratitude, medication, counselling, coaching... if I don't change my environment and behaviour, the situation will not shift."

- What in my environment can I physically change?
- Who am I allowing into my personal space?
- When can I make time to implement small changes every day?
- What am I allowing in subconsciously and how do I fortify my boundaries?

Day 32 - Ass

Last night I flipped open a notebook to do some calming writing. Outpouring of recent frustrations resulted in this:

As a joke I shared the image with a thread encouraging to write a love letter to oneself. It had a reply that suggested adding "sexy" would make it a bit more positive. I immediately followed through.

The result made me smile so much I ripped the page out and stuck it on the bathroom mirror.

I also received an apology from one of the triggers for his behaviour. It's a small win.

Day 27 - Nap Interrupted

Even though I say I am ok with night time interruption, I take day nap interruptions very seriously.

I didn't realise how seriously until a door-knocker woke baby and my sleep on the couch.

Even though I was upright, it took all their sales pitch and the 'how would you like to pay?' to realise I was being sold to. They did introduce themselves; I don't remember their names, I remembered the company name and their approximate location.

They asked why I wasn't going to purchase. I said I'll think about it. And I thought about it a lot.

I thought about the interrupted nap.

I thought about what I could have said.

I thought about all the previous door-knockers and various impressions they left.

I thought about letting the company know, and typed out a 'feedback' message. I hoped they do read Facebook messages.

I looked at the clock, counting down until H arrived home.

Baby fell asleep finally after 5, and woke up after 5.30.

I thought about how angry, irritated, and disgruntled I was feeling.

I thought about ways on how I could possibly shift this.

Half-hearted attempts never work long-term.

I laughed at this harder than I should have.

Maybe sleep will make me feel better in the morning.

Reclaiming - Day 9

I received treatment from Pauline Ryeland the Intimacy Whisperer for the 2nd degree vaginal tearing couple of months after the birth. With declining self-esteem I ceased going, and then without a car it felt like I was never going to see her ever again. The recommended treatment of castor oil ceased as well, and with my bleed returning I very much forgot all about the injury.

Out of nowhere Pauline messages me how I'm going and if castor oil is doing anything. Of course it wasn't doing anything as it wasn't being applied. There is however no noticeable sensation in my groin, and only a small pain when I touch the scar area at an odd angle. It was lovely to be cared about.



In the afternoon I was doing the laundry. I heard narrations of how I am still angry, repeating some scenes from the past, and on top how this scenario gets to overload. It sometimes got to grieving tears and raging violence, with which I had to remove myself from the room completely as to not hurt the baby accidentally. But today as I felt the emotions intensify I removed myself from the room before it got too much, and turned music on. I stayed out of there until I had felt better about myself. Tackling the rest of the folding became easier after that.