Day 71 - Simple Pleasures

- Watching baby's bath time, the way she kicks and splashes the water.
- Attempting to follow a YouTube tutorial. Many fails, and many successes too.
- Being an insomniac together, munching on celery and watching the Food channel.

Day 70 - Couple Care Date

H decided one day that as a treat, he wanted to go to Gold Class to see the new Star Wars movie. He had never done Gold Class movies before, and it had been years since I went once. This took quite a bit of organising, including the question of will mother in law be available to babysit. After some doubts about her work hours, it finally came to pass that she was.

Then it was a matter of getting baby used to her grandmother, which would have required a more frequent visitation. This took a bit of back-and-forth to arrange time, but we did it.

I noted my nervousness increasing. I knew baby would not like being separated. She does not fall asleep easily and will not sleep anywhere else but on or beside me. I kept remembering how the last time the babysitter was over it took just half-hour before she was over being with somebody else. I also noted mother-in-law's low self-esteem, and worried she would take it personally that there was nothing she can do to settle baby.

Coupled with anxiety of Christmas, I wasn't feeling too good about the day, at the same time being excited over the first date since birth.

I woke to cramping belly and thought my period had started, as it was due today. After lulling baby back to sleep, I got up after 5am and curled up on the couch for a short while. Strangely turning the tv on broke that state, and further improved by drink and food. By the time baby woke up properly, a little after 8am, I was feeling much more positive about the day to come.

The sleep-in also meant happier baby to be left in care. I also wrote a few 'instructions', which made me feel more confident about leaving her.

The date went well and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves for a few hours.

Apparently, as I predicted, baby wailed until she passed out for 2 hours, and had only just woken up when we arrived home. Mother-in-law had her nap with her, which I was pleased about.

I tried to deflect her saying "good girl" (one of the instructions was to phrase it another way), but as she kept repeating it, I see that this is one area that needs more work on and a constant reminder. It will also be beneficial to have H on board with it. It is a boundary and respect issue.

Overall it was a great day.

Day 58 - Mirror Mirror

As a divergence for grumpy baby, I got a compact mirror out. I brought it up close where I could only see my eyes, and sometimes just one eye.

"I love you."
"Thank you for being in my life."
"It's lovely to know you."
"I am willing to be your friend."

Baby wanted in on the action immediately. She recognises her reflection now, and most of the time enjoys seeing herself. As I pointed the mirror at her, I repeated the statements on her behalf.

"I love you."
"Thank you for being in my life."
"It's lovely to know you."
"I am willing to be your friend."

And also:

"Thank you for becoming my child."

Having a small mirror means I am removing all the extra judgments I may be holding at the time, about my appearance, my accomplishments and failures, my past in general, other people's opinions of me. And anything else that may enter my field of vision that may detract from seeing me. I am only looking at my eyeballs. Sometimes just the one eyeball, and talking to them one at a time.

Day 49 - Self-Care List

Flashbacks took me to bizarre memories of un-self-worth from the past, which should have no correlation to where I am now (besides the usual cause-and-effect actions and reactions that brought me to this very point). They were taking me to a very low place.

It took me three goes to find the exact article I was looking for, which added to the frustration. By this time I had a dozing baby in my arm, who would be agitated if I put her down. So the immediate actions to take were the ones I could do one-handed. I was determined to do all of them one by one, when I could.

#1 Drink water
This I could do. I turned over a cup and placed it on the bench. Then I got the water jug and poured water in it. I put the jug down, came back to the cup, and drank.

#2 Eat protein
Thankfully a bag of salted nuts were available at eye height in the pantry. I ate til satisfied, and found it amusing how the salt would have cancelled out the first activity of drinking water.

#3 Shower
Interpreting this to mean "have I showered in the last 24 hours?" I answered 'Yes,' as I did last night.

#4 & #5 Change your clothes
While I couldn't move while nap time, I stopped this typing and changed out of pajamas and put clean clothes on.

#6 Stretch your legs
This also, was done yesterday. But of course it's worth doing again. I flexed my feet and toes as I sat with the baby.

#7 Genuinely compliment somebody
I scrolled Facebook for a post I could comment on. A friend posted a video of her baby walking around the shops so I commented on that.

#8 Dance to music
Music was already on. The first chance I got after baby woke up, changed her and then remembered about this one, was the Longest Time by Billy Joel.

#9 Hug somebody
Boobing a baby to sleep definitely counted as a 'somebody.'

#10 Complete something
I made a short list of things that I had been meaning to but hadn't gotten around yet. I could then see what was the easiest thing. I decided that cooking three packs of meat to freeze was the simplest task to complete.

#11 Take a selfie
I posted an unglamorous photo of my face in a private group. I had not washed my face or done my hair for the morning. A slight headache pulsed when my neck tilted at a certain angle. I forced a smile. But being entertained by trying out different phone positions I was smiling for real within a minute.

#12 Plan the day
See #10. Writing out the list helped me visualise what I was doing for today.

#13 See a therapist
I don't have any booked or gone to one recently. I counted #11's act of posting in the group as a kind of therapy, as I get great vibes and support there (and also where I originally looked for the posted article)

#14 Have a break
Just had come back from a holiday it wasn't applicable. However it was great to remember that yesterday I had disabled the news feed from closed groups which gives me the boundary of reading things posted there in my own space instead of being bombarded with sensitive material all the time.

#15 Change of medication
I had not taken probiotics since the jar ran out. I must get some during the next shop.

#16 Wait a week
This advice goes along the same principle of living by the seasons. Menstruation will continue, though lightly, for a few more days. And then I will have natural motivation instead of pushing myself.

Original list from To Save A Life: http://www.tosavealife.com/for-when-youre-actually-not-okay-a-self-care-printable/ 

Day 48 - Frozen Carrots

I give baby frozen carrots for teething. It was something a friend mentioned she does with her baby. I also read about frozen towels, keeping teething chew toys in the freezer, teething gel from the pharmacy, and homeopathy drops for gum issues. My baby seem to enjoy the carrots the best.

She also enjoys chewing on the teething gel tube. Although she doesn't like the flavour of the gel itself, she has associated the numbness that comes with the tube. She is not dexterous enough to open the lid so I allow her to play with it.

The frozen carrots allows her to regulate the amount she needs herself. Some days it's just one stick, other days it could go up to 4 sticks before she asks for hugs and boobs.

It shows me that this little person is capable of making her own judgement on how much she needs of the carrots, in comparison to H or I making the judgement on her behalf with the amount and frequency of giving her the gel.

Weekend Holiday (Brisbane)

H decided it was in his best interest not to make the effort to go home after his work Christmas party. He booked us a hotel room closest to the venue, which was in the City Hall, and made a short holiday out of it. It was an opportunity for both of us to find things we had not seen or done in a familiar and well-traveled environment.

In the morning to cater for his transport needs, I drove him to the station. As I took the bus in when I left, that solved the parking question.

I actually missed the bus I wanted to catch by a few minutes, so instead of waiting in the sun for the next hour, I returned home and put some extra things in the bag. Even with this opportunity I forgot the hotel itinerary and the bank details, that I only remembered halfway there on the train already. However the concierge and H was fine with it and managed to get into the room before H finished work and then for him to pay when the extra key got picked up by him. It was a relief.

Planning worked out as such that a friend could come by at the same time H arrived walking from work. We all hung out together in the room until it was time for her to leave. She brought a Care Bear for baby's early Christmas present and we all had a good time watching her explore this new thing. H got ready for his function, and I left to find food.

King George Square was packed with people there for the lighting of the Christmas Tree. I was more interested in looking for somewhere I had not eaten at or from, so I made my way through the crowds to Queen Street Mall. It was an especially popular Friday night with long queues for many places, I ended up in a Night Owl ordering a toasted sandwich and a coffee, as "I had never been to that particular one before." I headed back towards the hotel thinking to continue baby's nap time peacefully. That of course did not happen as the carols on the loud speaker woke her up and she did not sleep until just before H came back. In the meantime she played on the bed, sometimes with the new bear, sometimes with the ball of yarn I was crocheting from. I found it hilarious how this little person could take up an entire queen-size bed.

H told me how he left the group after just 1 vodka shot, and also feeling anxious about a presentation that he got roped into for next year. I reassured him that it's not happening until next year so don't worry about it. I also recounted how I used to be very nervous about oral exams and was a poor presenter, until I realised that if I could survive a black belt exam, a short speech on a well-researched topic was not such a big deal in comparison. That I enjoy public speaking now because of that realisation. He finally agreed that his black belt exam was grueling but survived in one piece, He was just glad he could be horizontal now instead of in an hour's time.

The headache from the previous day subdued to background issue for the entire day, which made things run more smoothly than I had imagined and was worried about.

Saturday morning we ended up at the hotel's restaurant for a buffet breakfast. We reminisced our honeymoon trip's breakfasts, how delicious they were, except for that one place with ham-flavoured orange juice. We then strolled the mall before anything opened. Window shopping sans crowd.

I had to return back to the room to get my phone, to contact my friend to confirm our brunch at 10am. It was a great pick as H and I had never been to that cafe before. H was starting to get agitated that she was running late, going by the record that she had not arrived on time for her doula appointments earlier in the year. She is moving to Sydney in the new year so it was nice to catch up with her before her move. We also exchanged Skype details so she could see one of her assisted babies grow up on camera, like my dad does when he calls.

We strolled through Myer center and the aircon next. Baby napped on my back and unlike a backpack the weight is not easy to adjust. H had his turn at the display massage chair in the electronic section, and I watched in envy. I had my turn when he offered to put a coin in for a 5 minute paid one when we sat at one and I took baby off onto the couch where she dosed for a few more minutes before the posture got uncomfortable enough to wake her.

For the rest of the afternoon, after the cleaner had left, and I had a shower and baby had a sponge down on the basin, all three of us napped for 3 solid hours. I forgot to mention to please replace the milk we used up so that was the end of having coffee until we got back home. I also dripped blood all over some of the towels which I felt bad about, and got baby's poo on top of it for a nappy change, which erased my guilt. The bath mat got flipped over instead.

One of the popular places I noted the previous night was a dumpling specialty restaurant that had opened while I had not visited the city. Harajuku Gyoza had an obnoxiously friendly and fun atmosphere. One table ordered sake shots and the wait staff encouraged the whole shop to cheer for them. The meal was delicious, baby munched on edamame husks and the black serviettes (which made it look like she ate nori), and fried Nutella and banana gyoza with ice-cream a memorable desert. The kind of place mum would have hated for being loud and immature, both in decor and volume.

We returned to the room for the last time for the day. H discovered the Sound of Music on TV, from the Lonely Goatherd puppetry scene. It was on for the 50th Anniversary special. Watching the movie while commentating on scenes from places we visited in Saltzberg and the tour, as well as the World War II memorials, gave the story a fresh perspective.

Sunday Morning I woke at 6.30 and H woke from my rustlings. Baby on the other hand took much encouraging to wake up, but it also meant we could pack most of the bags before leaving for breakfast. We decided on a place from around the block. Unfortunately a place that was short-staffed and one of two only places open for trading, we got our meals but we had to leave before our drinks arrived. There was no need to add to our frustration of watching other people that arrived after us get served before us. Then it was just a matter of going back to the room to picking up our luggage, checking out, and heading for the station. For some reason the trains were only running once an hour instead of every half-hour, we had McDonalds orange juice as coffee substitute while we waited. It worked out at the other end though as the bus to get home left just as we got on it.

The timing was also great that about an hour later it rained for a little bit, and then storm came at night. Traveling is better in sunny weather than wet.

I finally got the coffee I wanted at night as we got a new bottle of milk for our groceries.

Day 47 - Expectations Falling Short

Today was full of planning.

It was planned for the Thursday morning parent group, then lunch, then art group, then shopping, then come home.

All of these did happen.

All these I chose to do even though my bleed started this morning,

A day full of socialising, summer heat, and carrying baby for travel (even though only a short walk) and waiting out her nap time.

I came home feeling the consequence of not listening to my body. Even though the plan in my head looked like a very nurturing kind of day.

Day 43 - Cutting Ties

Party Plan parties are a great opportunity to meet driven people passionate about the brand they've become interested in. They have their reasons, product pitches of new lines and old favourites aside, like flexible hours, adult conversations, feelings of independence etc. It's inspiring to meet consultants and hear their stories.

A friend decided to sign up, and also the host saying she intends to in the new year. That's two more driven people in my immediate circle, doing something towards changing their mindset, attitude, and overall well-being. It's another form of self-care.

Later I overheard a conversation about a mutual friend, someone I cut ties with a few years ago. Hearing a segment of their gossip reminded me why I put up the boundaries, and glad to have done it when I did. It was (and they said it too) like watching a tv drama. I suggested putting an image of a tv screen around the message box. One friend said she goes in to nod and smile mode because there is no conversing with this person, it's their way and the only way and everybody else is wrong wrong wrong. I sometimes feel sad that they were in my life for so long, but today's catch-up reminded me that it was over and it is good.

Day 29 - Time Away

This was the 3rd weekend in a row I left the house without baby. Today's was a hard separation at first, baby in pain wanting lots of cuddles. That she still mainly relies on me for comfort means we are not yet ready to be parted for too long, few hours at most. In this context, putting me first means I have to entirely trust H that he will be ok. Where my trust of him is now has been a complete turn-around from a month ago.

This makes me be efficient at what I can do in this away 'me-time'; which also means cramming in a bit of 'necessities' into this short time frame. I put petrol in the car on the way to the shopping center today, for example.

Once inside the building I'm also aware that I can't browse the entire complex, which makes me be choosy of the shops and isles I dawdle in.

It's like a final relaxation before heading to Coffee Club to sketch a page for the day. This is when I can sit down uninterrupted bar the arrival of the ordered drink. For this I do the inspiration research before I leave home, have the references ready on my phone, and fully commit to the drawing for the day. Spontaneity of creativity, and discipline of research and application of skill, is just slightly displaced.

And I can go home feeling accomplished for the day.

Day 28 - Headache

Headache slowly increased intensity as the hours went by. I woke up with it, still not entirely recovering from yesterday's  interruption. Flashbacks and negative self-talk did their usual things, and I eventually curled up and whimpered in pain and defeat.

Throughout the day, I tried many things:

- Drinking water
- Drinking coffee
- Rescue Remedy
- Massage
- Bath
- Stretching
- Taking magnesium tablets
- Taking painkiller tablets
- Ice pack on my neck
- Attempted nap with baby
- De-armouring visualisation
- EFT
- Sending love and validation to inner 'mean girl'
- St John's Wart tincture

As baby came around to being tired enough for nap attempt #2, I resorted to taking 2nd lot of pain killers. I also applied topically some peppermint essential oil*, on my temples, forehead, back of the neck, and lower back. This time it didn't take long before both of us were asleep.

2 hours later we woke up much rested. Tension subsided from level 8 to 2. I took painkillers round #3, and eft for acceptance.



*Using essential oils with infants is discouraged, please consult an expert if you wish to use it with and for children.

Day 25 - Minor Disappointment

Having computer graphic's equipment would definitely boost my confidence and the desire to work. As planned on Monday, I ventured to purchase one. As part of this special trip, I organised to visit multiple places that I had been putting off,

I got to Aldi and searched high and low, and in-between the shelves. I read through all the labeled prices, and it did not exist! I concurred defeat and went on with the rest of the tasks. I realised that leaving the store empty-handed did not make things worse; just missed the mark on expectation.

The rest of the day went smoothly. Once I finished with the loading and unloading the baby in all the locations, we headed to the shopping center and enjoyed the aircon. She had her first nap, and when she woke up, I treated myself to a mocha frappachino and we snuggled on the couch, before heading home.

Day 22 - Make Colours Not War

This morning's adventuring took me to browsing the local mall, one of which was a bookshop. I did my usual rounds of the Arts, Animals, Religion, Humour, Self-care, Parenting. As a means of self-preservation, I turned all the titles indicating sleep training to face the back before I went into rage.

It seems that becoming a parent has made me appreciate quality of sleep over counting hours.

On the way out I took note of the colouring in books. It has become a very popular activity over this year. So vast is their selection they have an entire section dedicated to the publications. They had the 'specialty shelf' of the new publications, in front of the standard shelf. Down the bottom of the section over were some more books that didn't fit.

Colouring in books were invading the Military section.

I smiled that 'mindful colouring' were overtaking war history and weaponry reference.

Perhaps that is the way to world peace, if we all invested more in mindfully adding colour to our lives instead of hurting each other.