Day 106 - Booking

I have a booking for a workshop.

It was suggested as a swap to host her Tupperwear party in exchange for one of my workshops.

Now to dig out the workshop materials...

Day 94 - Cleaning

Overnight I didn't sleep much due to baby waking up what felt like every hour, and my arms and hand muscles were sore. It was a sign that I was spending way too much time on the machinery. Unlike usual, I did not turn the laptop on until I felt ready for it.

The time spent looking at the screen was replaced by productiveness.

After the nappies got taken out of the washing machine, I started cleaning. First the sink, then toilet, and bathtub. Then wiping the dust off the decoration counter in the bedroom (had to stop at the fan though as I was away too long for baby and we did nap time). 3 loads of washing, got dinner ready, and H came home just as I was starting the dishes.

Amazingly there was very little head chatter, and no flashbacks at all!

It's been a productive day.

Day 20 of I am enough 100 days.

Day 75 - De-cluttering Books

While I still don't have a clear goal for the 100 Days, I'm enjoying reading people's posts of their progresses. It is very inspiring to see.

Today I went through my book collection, half of which includes what is left of my mother's collection. Even though I had gone through it several times before, there are still a lot I want to hold onto. This time I only got two small bags (one Japanese pile, one English pile). Still, it is a cull. I also found books I wanted more easy access to, and some I had forgotten about.

One of the books I found was A Perfect Calm. It's a pocket book of visualisation by Alan Hewitt. Here is an example entry:

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." - Anonymous.Visualise the pain easing.

Day 73 - Year in Review 2015

I looked around with my positive lenses, and there were plenty to appreciate and reflect back in joy.

Happy New Year to me!

Day 69 - Purging

There is something cleansing about purging stuff. As H is finally home to join me on this, he did his part of the shed cleaning. We got through the old boxes that were collapsing in on itself, and there were a lot of rubbish thrown out too, which was a bonus. I'm looking forward to the day when we can empty the shed out completely, when we move to our own place. But in the meantime, we are grateful to have the storage space at all, and to be able to use the preexisting things in the house.

Day 59 - A Productive Day

Today I did the multiple loads of washing to load and unload, got through most of the dishes, and went out for groceries.

On top of this, I wrote 4 manuscripts for a book.

Then I cooked a delicious pork steak for dinner. As I was preparing it I was talking to baby about thanking the pigs for their lives.

And now I'm reporting all the great things that happened today.

I am feeling accomplished and feel good about myself.

Day 49 - Self-Care List

Flashbacks took me to bizarre memories of un-self-worth from the past, which should have no correlation to where I am now (besides the usual cause-and-effect actions and reactions that brought me to this very point). They were taking me to a very low place.

It took me three goes to find the exact article I was looking for, which added to the frustration. By this time I had a dozing baby in my arm, who would be agitated if I put her down. So the immediate actions to take were the ones I could do one-handed. I was determined to do all of them one by one, when I could.

#1 Drink water
This I could do. I turned over a cup and placed it on the bench. Then I got the water jug and poured water in it. I put the jug down, came back to the cup, and drank.

#2 Eat protein
Thankfully a bag of salted nuts were available at eye height in the pantry. I ate til satisfied, and found it amusing how the salt would have cancelled out the first activity of drinking water.

#3 Shower
Interpreting this to mean "have I showered in the last 24 hours?" I answered 'Yes,' as I did last night.

#4 & #5 Change your clothes
While I couldn't move while nap time, I stopped this typing and changed out of pajamas and put clean clothes on.

#6 Stretch your legs
This also, was done yesterday. But of course it's worth doing again. I flexed my feet and toes as I sat with the baby.

#7 Genuinely compliment somebody
I scrolled Facebook for a post I could comment on. A friend posted a video of her baby walking around the shops so I commented on that.

#8 Dance to music
Music was already on. The first chance I got after baby woke up, changed her and then remembered about this one, was the Longest Time by Billy Joel.

#9 Hug somebody
Boobing a baby to sleep definitely counted as a 'somebody.'

#10 Complete something
I made a short list of things that I had been meaning to but hadn't gotten around yet. I could then see what was the easiest thing. I decided that cooking three packs of meat to freeze was the simplest task to complete.

#11 Take a selfie
I posted an unglamorous photo of my face in a private group. I had not washed my face or done my hair for the morning. A slight headache pulsed when my neck tilted at a certain angle. I forced a smile. But being entertained by trying out different phone positions I was smiling for real within a minute.

#12 Plan the day
See #10. Writing out the list helped me visualise what I was doing for today.

#13 See a therapist
I don't have any booked or gone to one recently. I counted #11's act of posting in the group as a kind of therapy, as I get great vibes and support there (and also where I originally looked for the posted article)

#14 Have a break
Just had come back from a holiday it wasn't applicable. However it was great to remember that yesterday I had disabled the news feed from closed groups which gives me the boundary of reading things posted there in my own space instead of being bombarded with sensitive material all the time.

#15 Change of medication
I had not taken probiotics since the jar ran out. I must get some during the next shop.

#16 Wait a week
This advice goes along the same principle of living by the seasons. Menstruation will continue, though lightly, for a few more days. And then I will have natural motivation instead of pushing myself.

Original list from To Save A Life: http://www.tosavealife.com/for-when-youre-actually-not-okay-a-self-care-printable/ 

Reclaiming - Day 3

This morning I woke up wondering what I would write about today. It was unusual for me to look so far ahead into the future on unplanned days, having gotten so used to going with the flow and demand of baby's requirements.

To look for today's inspiration I put on Anthony Robbins' Personal Power CD, remembering how much I got out of the program the first time around. While I skipped half of 'Day 1' as it was mostly introduction that I have heard before, I did sneak some notes down in between cuddles and feeding.

One of the mantras that is repeated throughout the program is "Past does not equal the future."

I do wonder how I would have reacted to hear that during some of the flashbacks, talking to now-imaginary people, reenacting situations or re-imagining scenarios. Past definitely was invading the present and the worry of when it was going to happen again. My flashbacks never had any predictable patterns, though happening more during quiet times. My reaction to them ranged from melancholy tears to violent rage to suicidal thoughts. While these emotions were present, future visioning were added torture.

And now I find myself ok with the idea that it might be wonderful to exist next week, next year, the next few hours.

The task set for 'Day 1' was to find two things I had been putting off. "Like a phone call!" The instructions were that it didn't have to be overwhelmingly massive, just a task I had been putting off, that when I'm done, will give me a sense of accomplishment and self-esteem. Since I did the telephone thing yesterday, I decided the two things will be the bed of the spare room and the toys in the lounge room.

I observed that I procrastinated to get to these tasks, by cleaning other areas. Dry dishes got put away, morning's wash got hung out, things in the room had to be rearranged in order for the bed to be tidied. I was actually happy to do it because felt already accomplished from doing the regular but unplanned tasks in the kitchen and laundry. And I also wondered about what else could be done today? The lounge room tidying did not take as long as I thought, as all the items were large things that needed a place. As a result the pram now has its own space, something that took 8 months to accomplish since its purchase.

Two tasks already accomplished. Perhaps the lesson is that daunting tasks are sometimes not as big as they appear to be.

I see scattered toys that could be put away. Another thing to accomplish.