Day 109 - Old Anger

I had another bout of anger rise up about the wedding day. It's almost 2 years ago.

I discontinued the shower, got dressed, and cried outside.

When I came back in I voiced what was on my mind. How the preparations had stressed me out. I didn't name any names but there were a few people in the morning that were asking for my decisions, that I felt was unfair that I had to make them.

H shared how it was stressful for him too.

Shared stresses. Perhaps one day we will be able to laugh about them and just enjoy the memories of the beautiful day.

Day 98 - Of Releasing

I cried, grieved and tantrumed about a few 'undisclosed' issues. I got to the petrol station and waited out the wailing before proceeding with the purchase and payment. The woman behind the counter was compassionate to my state. I got home and cried some more. I threw blame at H until I came out the other side to my ownership.

That I don't trust people easily because I don't feel safe unless under strict safety protocol, that what say will be given space and respect.

That while I idealise independence, I never learned how to be independent.

It wore on baby's patience as sitting on the couch with weepy mama was not comfortable enough to fall asleep, and I eventually released enough to take her to bed.

H and I were able to have meaningful connection when I came out.

However the headache remained and increased in intensity. Even though I was hungry when I requested it, the actual preparation gave me dizzy spells. I watched H eat, I called out for help in Mind Your Own Vibrations, and napped 2 hours with baby.

I received 2 RUOK pm's. Even in the midst of communicating is hard, I received very meaningful communications.

I.R.O.K.

Weekend Holiday (Christmas)

Our Christmas routine had settled into visiting both mine and H's family in Warwick, because they coincidentally live in the same town.

I was challenged a few times with baby's crying. Her disrupted routine, extended sitting strapped down in the seat belt, and limited contact upset her enough to continue screaming instead of falling asleep. It took several goes of this to finally find a rhythm to get her to sleep before driving a distance.

On Christmas day I had an emergency session with my mother-in-law for her stresses. I used Rescue Remedy as a mouth spray, Christmas Calm as an entire body spray, and Wild Orange oil on her temples when she first arrived. Did the same before she left, and added Gratitude oil to her heart space at the end.

On Boxing Day, baby was conveniently asleep during a visit to someone I didn't want to see - one of the causes of anxiety during the trip. As a compromise we waved at each other.

I was bracing myself for a flood of pinkwash gifts for baby's first Christmas. And then it ended up only being two items; a hat, and a pack of blocks. The third item never arrived as it got returned under other circumstances.

I received an Arrowroot, energetically a protection medicine, which can be utilised in various magics. I hung it above a window when we got home.

Nothing is ever perfect but, overall, I enjoyed great company, fantastic food, and a relaxing time. Plenty of coffee got me through being awake from disrupted baby sleep.

Reclaiming Day 4

Yesterday afternoon I received from Tiarnie Wielder of Guided From Within a one card reading of Wild Unknown Tarot Deck.

Emotional. Romantic.

It first felt as though it was a call to my own romancing. It had been a few days since a foot bath after all.

The connection to this came after 10pm when at first H refused to hold baby the way she wanted to be. Argument ensured, he insulted me, and I cried. I was called a slave to my offspring, for responding to her need to be held. I was offended for my efforts and for the mothers past unappreciated. I was offended for my need to hold my offspring instinctively, and everybody else who want to actually hold babies. I was insulted for his mother that raised him on her own.

Offended for past slaves, whose task was to wet nurse all her master's brood before her own, only to have those children turn on her as they grew into their whiteness.

I made him 'apologise', though in his sleepy state the conversations were disjointed and I ceased perusing.

I cried some more. Baby's cries went from general displeasure to gum pains and finally to I'm thirsty from all this crying, I allowed mine to run its course as baby lulled to sleep in my arms. During which I messaged MIL to ask about the next course of action.

She called me. We both vented, laughed, I cried some more as she listened. 3 hours later we agreed to hang up as we were both busting for the toilet, and implement a few things when she came over on the weekend.

It took another hour before I decided to write H a letter of where I was at, and outlining his choices.

Heart broken, offering of reconciliation.

We spoke in the morning, and he only left realising he was running late. Leaving me to catch up with the sleep I didn't get 'because he wanted one'. 

Kareena Glanville explained so eloquently what I had called 'coming down from seminar high.' It's the sensation of coming back into the familiar environment after doing breakthrough courses, and feeling disappointed with reality. She calls it 'the hangover', where resistances, self-doubt, negativity creeps into the psyche as your own voices, or external unexpected events, or some combination of both. 

Being called a slave of my offspring, and my reaction to it, certainly fits the description. Decision to not to tolerate verbal abuse and in extent to his recent avoidance behaviour certainly fits this category.

I didn't think Relationships would be the first priority when I started this public journaling of my processes, though reading back at my first post I put Health (managing sleep) and Relationship Communication as the first two issues that came to my mind. In hindsight perhaps the healing were heading in this direction all along.

So to recap I used:

- Attempts at communicating

- Crying until empty (catharsis)

- Reaching out and talking about it

- Some decisions about my tolerance and what I'm worth

And finally

- Slept with baby for her naps.

I also took some extra vitamins for boost and Rescue Remedy a few times over the course of the night/day.