Weekend Holiday (Christmas)

Our Christmas routine had settled into visiting both mine and H's family in Warwick, because they coincidentally live in the same town.

I was challenged a few times with baby's crying. Her disrupted routine, extended sitting strapped down in the seat belt, and limited contact upset her enough to continue screaming instead of falling asleep. It took several goes of this to finally find a rhythm to get her to sleep before driving a distance.

On Christmas day I had an emergency session with my mother-in-law for her stresses. I used Rescue Remedy as a mouth spray, Christmas Calm as an entire body spray, and Wild Orange oil on her temples when she first arrived. Did the same before she left, and added Gratitude oil to her heart space at the end.

On Boxing Day, baby was conveniently asleep during a visit to someone I didn't want to see - one of the causes of anxiety during the trip. As a compromise we waved at each other.

I was bracing myself for a flood of pinkwash gifts for baby's first Christmas. And then it ended up only being two items; a hat, and a pack of blocks. The third item never arrived as it got returned under other circumstances.

I received an Arrowroot, energetically a protection medicine, which can be utilised in various magics. I hung it above a window when we got home.

Nothing is ever perfect but, overall, I enjoyed great company, fantastic food, and a relaxing time. Plenty of coffee got me through being awake from disrupted baby sleep.

Day 70 - Couple Care Date

H decided one day that as a treat, he wanted to go to Gold Class to see the new Star Wars movie. He had never done Gold Class movies before, and it had been years since I went once. This took quite a bit of organising, including the question of will mother in law be available to babysit. After some doubts about her work hours, it finally came to pass that she was.

Then it was a matter of getting baby used to her grandmother, which would have required a more frequent visitation. This took a bit of back-and-forth to arrange time, but we did it.

I noted my nervousness increasing. I knew baby would not like being separated. She does not fall asleep easily and will not sleep anywhere else but on or beside me. I kept remembering how the last time the babysitter was over it took just half-hour before she was over being with somebody else. I also noted mother-in-law's low self-esteem, and worried she would take it personally that there was nothing she can do to settle baby.

Coupled with anxiety of Christmas, I wasn't feeling too good about the day, at the same time being excited over the first date since birth.

I woke to cramping belly and thought my period had started, as it was due today. After lulling baby back to sleep, I got up after 5am and curled up on the couch for a short while. Strangely turning the tv on broke that state, and further improved by drink and food. By the time baby woke up properly, a little after 8am, I was feeling much more positive about the day to come.

The sleep-in also meant happier baby to be left in care. I also wrote a few 'instructions', which made me feel more confident about leaving her.

The date went well and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves for a few hours.

Apparently, as I predicted, baby wailed until she passed out for 2 hours, and had only just woken up when we arrived home. Mother-in-law had her nap with her, which I was pleased about.

I tried to deflect her saying "good girl" (one of the instructions was to phrase it another way), but as she kept repeating it, I see that this is one area that needs more work on and a constant reminder. It will also be beneficial to have H on board with it. It is a boundary and respect issue.

Overall it was a great day.

Day 68 - 20/12/2015

Enforcing Boundaries

Basil, Thyme, Anise
Equilibrium ~ Clarity of Mind ~ Fertile Imagination

"I seek equilibrium in my thoughts, actions, and practice. Clear thinking shows me the path. My imagination is the key to my future."

Nature's Healing Oracle

It is also in theme with the Force from Star Wars, which H and I have been watching in preparation to go see Episode 7.

Day 64 - Releasing People

Visualisation for releasing people energetically with respect

Imagine a stage. You are sitting in the front seat, in the center where all of the stage is in view. The stage lights up.  

The person you are saying goodbye to walks onto center stage. The spotlight is on them.
Now see a silver cord extending in between you and the person. Send them good intentions, appreciation, good memories, and learnings. If nothing comes to mind, start with thanking them for coming into your life. 

When you are ready, cut the silver cord. This could be by scissors in your hands, or a giant swinging axe from the ceiling. Make it a swift cut. 

Now, allow the person to slowly fade into the bright spotlight. Allow them all the time you need, to finally let go of this person and their energy. 

Lastly, fortify your own energy field with light and any other imagery that usually works for you for repairing and protecting your boundaries.

Over a period of time, you may feel a pull to contact them again, or think of them out of habit, or feel the need to grieve. All of these are normal feelings. "Thank fuck that's over," is okay too.

This visualisation is best used for people you are saying your final farewell to, either for the deceased or alive people you want to let go of. However it also works for loved ones and people you meet regularly, to disengage with them energetically temporarily.

Day 49 - Self-Care List

Flashbacks took me to bizarre memories of un-self-worth from the past, which should have no correlation to where I am now (besides the usual cause-and-effect actions and reactions that brought me to this very point). They were taking me to a very low place.

It took me three goes to find the exact article I was looking for, which added to the frustration. By this time I had a dozing baby in my arm, who would be agitated if I put her down. So the immediate actions to take were the ones I could do one-handed. I was determined to do all of them one by one, when I could.

#1 Drink water
This I could do. I turned over a cup and placed it on the bench. Then I got the water jug and poured water in it. I put the jug down, came back to the cup, and drank.

#2 Eat protein
Thankfully a bag of salted nuts were available at eye height in the pantry. I ate til satisfied, and found it amusing how the salt would have cancelled out the first activity of drinking water.

#3 Shower
Interpreting this to mean "have I showered in the last 24 hours?" I answered 'Yes,' as I did last night.

#4 & #5 Change your clothes
While I couldn't move while nap time, I stopped this typing and changed out of pajamas and put clean clothes on.

#6 Stretch your legs
This also, was done yesterday. But of course it's worth doing again. I flexed my feet and toes as I sat with the baby.

#7 Genuinely compliment somebody
I scrolled Facebook for a post I could comment on. A friend posted a video of her baby walking around the shops so I commented on that.

#8 Dance to music
Music was already on. The first chance I got after baby woke up, changed her and then remembered about this one, was the Longest Time by Billy Joel.

#9 Hug somebody
Boobing a baby to sleep definitely counted as a 'somebody.'

#10 Complete something
I made a short list of things that I had been meaning to but hadn't gotten around yet. I could then see what was the easiest thing. I decided that cooking three packs of meat to freeze was the simplest task to complete.

#11 Take a selfie
I posted an unglamorous photo of my face in a private group. I had not washed my face or done my hair for the morning. A slight headache pulsed when my neck tilted at a certain angle. I forced a smile. But being entertained by trying out different phone positions I was smiling for real within a minute.

#12 Plan the day
See #10. Writing out the list helped me visualise what I was doing for today.

#13 See a therapist
I don't have any booked or gone to one recently. I counted #11's act of posting in the group as a kind of therapy, as I get great vibes and support there (and also where I originally looked for the posted article)

#14 Have a break
Just had come back from a holiday it wasn't applicable. However it was great to remember that yesterday I had disabled the news feed from closed groups which gives me the boundary of reading things posted there in my own space instead of being bombarded with sensitive material all the time.

#15 Change of medication
I had not taken probiotics since the jar ran out. I must get some during the next shop.

#16 Wait a week
This advice goes along the same principle of living by the seasons. Menstruation will continue, though lightly, for a few more days. And then I will have natural motivation instead of pushing myself.

Original list from To Save A Life: http://www.tosavealife.com/for-when-youre-actually-not-okay-a-self-care-printable/ 

Day 43 - Cutting Ties

Party Plan parties are a great opportunity to meet driven people passionate about the brand they've become interested in. They have their reasons, product pitches of new lines and old favourites aside, like flexible hours, adult conversations, feelings of independence etc. It's inspiring to meet consultants and hear their stories.

A friend decided to sign up, and also the host saying she intends to in the new year. That's two more driven people in my immediate circle, doing something towards changing their mindset, attitude, and overall well-being. It's another form of self-care.

Later I overheard a conversation about a mutual friend, someone I cut ties with a few years ago. Hearing a segment of their gossip reminded me why I put up the boundaries, and glad to have done it when I did. It was (and they said it too) like watching a tv drama. I suggested putting an image of a tv screen around the message box. One friend said she goes in to nod and smile mode because there is no conversing with this person, it's their way and the only way and everybody else is wrong wrong wrong. I sometimes feel sad that they were in my life for so long, but today's catch-up reminded me that it was over and it is good.

Day 33 - A Long Drive

A lot had been on my mind concerning the unfolding of this week's events and was itching to get out of the house.

I went to the perinatal wellness group Peach Tree, then browsed around the shops, then went for a lot of driving.

In between, I attempted many words at how to tell H of what he had been doing to me, swinging between total absence and encroachment. Driving and talking to myself seemed to bring up some answers, and I also went to a town I've never been to before. The more driving I did, more was revealed.

The first drive revealed where H may have picked up his behaviour from. Media has a lot to answer for showing men what is and is not acceptable display of affection.

The second drive revealed what to thank the man for, and all the others invading my personal space.

The third drive took me to my mother-in-law's place, and even though the stay was short, it was nice to have a chat and a laugh. I didn't reveal all that was happening as at that point I was still working on unraveling.

The fourth drive's message was to hold a non-judgmental space for him. It also put baby to sleep which was convenient.

Upon returning home, I opened a circle just for us, where I attempted to get to his heart-space. It took a bit of listening and holding before he opened up to his vulnerability, his fears, and the subsequent rejection he may experience.

It required a gentle reminder that I was giving him undivided attention now.

He told me I had been pushing him away at every advances. The more I rejected him, the more entitled his behaviour became. And my explanations got interpreted as more rejection.

Yes I have been, because what he had been giving me is not what I wanted, nor had the energy to reciprocate.

It turned into a 'shortcut' cycle and desire for instant gratification.

I was finally able to communicate that I wanted quality from him, and did he not also want quality?

He expressed his frustration of how things had to change with baby needs coming first. That hours-on-end romancing was not going to happen any time soon. That is something that has to be worked on and, what our new romancing style will look like, will also take time to blossom.

H finally relaxed into the non-judgement and asked for a well-deserved back and neck massage.

Day 21 - Call to Establish Boundaries

Last night's guided meditation had two distinct stories. Part one was bringing awareness to energies held in the body; tensions, shadows, blockages in the muscles and organs, paying special attention to all the parts. Part two was a stroll through the forest and greeting a tree.

Baby played all through the body awareness segment and settled down in the forest segment, and was deeply asleep by the time we were invited to come back to the room. She stayed asleep right up until pack-up time when the noises woke her up.

I missed most of what was said during the first half as the narrative was drowned by the squealing and the chattering. Her exuberant vibrations blocked out where my body was at. In another words, her needs completely took over my own, however trivial. It was only after she calmed down was I able to concentrate on me.

Which is of course what happens. Baby sleeps on me and I don't go to the toilet until she wakes up. The kettle gets boiled numerous times because she needs immediate feed. I'm just starting to allow space for minor upsets in favour of my needs. My needs were especially not honoured when H was rejecting baby and I in favour of his need for solitude, of which is now rectified.

While it is not a necessity just yet during this infant dependency stage, I have been made aware that establishing boundaries between my child and I will be a crucial exercise later.