Day 97 - Breathing. Really Breathing.

I had a sample session with a Voice Coach today. After the digging of blockages and filters, we settled on doing 4 breathing exercises. This is to relax and stretch the very tight muscles around throat and chest area. I noticed for the first time that it hurts to breathe in deep (even though I can breathe out long and strong easily).

1) Chest/Sternum
2) Pit of stomach
3) Lower abdomen
4) Top of thigh at hip socket

First time around I am challenged by just doing normal breathing.

I'm also taking notes on anything that arises. There are a lot of layers in this.

And the volcano image from Amy's reading, how emotions bubble away until they erupt and I destroy things.

Day 96 - Tree of Life Circles

I started this this morning in Fireworks. Moving circles around and trying to figure out what the pattern was. Once I got that, it was moving the objects around 1 pixel this way, 1 pixel that way, until they were in a formation I was happy with.

I must say it would have been easier with a sturdy compass...

Day 95 - I Am Light

This came through my feed and it reminded me of a quote from Amy's reading.

"I am a blinding light, a Herald, clear and free."

Being a candle I am comfortable with. Syncronically my old handle Pyrofairy came up in a conversation, somebody revisiting friends from that space and time. A glowing light, the permission to shine.

But a blinding light?

After a moment of venting, I finally put the quote in among all the 'I am perfectly enough'. At 1pm, like the symbol's instructions.

I am enough day 21. I am bright enough.

Day 91 - Cleaning the Computer

I have files from year 12 assessments. It's a lot of accumulated files. Today I finally went through the collected articles, images, half-written documents, copies of legal documents and the like and 'binned' the ones long expired their welcome.

Middle of the day dad called on Skype. The laptop froze and I panicked that I lost the half-transfered files. I sprayed Christmas Calm around me, Daichi (grounding mist) around my feet, placed Joy oil in my heart space, and had a lie down with the hands on my head. The thoughts wandered, and got interrupted by baby's eeeh's before the time was up. However I did feel much better for it and got on with folding the laundry, until I figured out how to turn the laptop off completely and try again. Everything was intact, bar the Skype connection. What a relief! It took to early evening to get through the files I wanted to tidy up, create new folders, and condense the amount of things I have stored.

Day 84 - Yellow Glow

As it is unpredictable when I have 2 hands available to hold the energy space of my neck and forehead, I settled on imagining a glow of yellow in that area when I remember to do so. When I do have both hands, I modified yesterday's advice to this routine:

Forehead and neck holding, 3 breaths
Base of throat holding, 3 breaths
Collar bone, 3 breaths
Base of spine, 3 breaths

Day 83 - Rest Day

Most of yesterday was driving, stopping, looking at the map, wanting to give up many times, and finally getting to the destinations. Creating a beautiful vision board and spending time in a women's circle was worth all that. All the driving had worn me out and today I had a headache.

I experienced distance kinesiology for the first time this morning. The topic we focused on was the flashbacks. Tammie Irvine gave me some points to focus on to release for the next few days or as gently as my body allows. It turned out that the effect of the holding and visualisation was so profound that it increased the headache, felt light-headed, muscle tension, and all that.

Self-care included a bath soak with extra epsom salt, peppermint to the most tense areas, and some massage.

And a carrot, and an English muffin for dinner was enough.

Day 58 - Mirror Mirror

As a divergence for grumpy baby, I got a compact mirror out. I brought it up close where I could only see my eyes, and sometimes just one eye.

"I love you."
"Thank you for being in my life."
"It's lovely to know you."
"I am willing to be your friend."

Baby wanted in on the action immediately. She recognises her reflection now, and most of the time enjoys seeing herself. As I pointed the mirror at her, I repeated the statements on her behalf.

"I love you."
"Thank you for being in my life."
"It's lovely to know you."
"I am willing to be your friend."

And also:

"Thank you for becoming my child."

Having a small mirror means I am removing all the extra judgments I may be holding at the time, about my appearance, my accomplishments and failures, my past in general, other people's opinions of me. And anything else that may enter my field of vision that may detract from seeing me. I am only looking at my eyeballs. Sometimes just the one eyeball, and talking to them one at a time.

Day 50 - Grounded Connection to Inspired Ideas

I watched last night's episode of Anne Aleckson TV this morning. This episode (and the bonus audio) shows a technique on how to connect head-in-the-cloud inspirations and roots-to-the-ground stability in the expansiveness of open heart-space.



Anne Aleckson TV Episode 4 

Day 32 - Ass

Last night I flipped open a notebook to do some calming writing. Outpouring of recent frustrations resulted in this:

As a joke I shared the image with a thread encouraging to write a love letter to oneself. It had a reply that suggested adding "sexy" would make it a bit more positive. I immediately followed through.

The result made me smile so much I ripped the page out and stuck it on the bathroom mirror.

I also received an apology from one of the triggers for his behaviour. It's a small win.

Day 21 - Call to Establish Boundaries

Last night's guided meditation had two distinct stories. Part one was bringing awareness to energies held in the body; tensions, shadows, blockages in the muscles and organs, paying special attention to all the parts. Part two was a stroll through the forest and greeting a tree.

Baby played all through the body awareness segment and settled down in the forest segment, and was deeply asleep by the time we were invited to come back to the room. She stayed asleep right up until pack-up time when the noises woke her up.

I missed most of what was said during the first half as the narrative was drowned by the squealing and the chattering. Her exuberant vibrations blocked out where my body was at. In another words, her needs completely took over my own, however trivial. It was only after she calmed down was I able to concentrate on me.

Which is of course what happens. Baby sleeps on me and I don't go to the toilet until she wakes up. The kettle gets boiled numerous times because she needs immediate feed. I'm just starting to allow space for minor upsets in favour of my needs. My needs were especially not honoured when H was rejecting baby and I in favour of his need for solitude, of which is now rectified.

While it is not a necessity just yet during this infant dependency stage, I have been made aware that establishing boundaries between my child and I will be a crucial exercise later.

Day 11 - F* That Shit Meditations

Another nap time. Baby dosing away, me scrolling through another triggering article. All of a sudden all the machinery in the house goes clunk and seconds later starts up again. She startles awake and starts her wailing. She remembers that her mouth is sore. She is disgruntled for being put down on the floor for a nappy change. Nothing is going right.

My head talk repeatedly says no to the doctor in the labour room. Telling him to go away. He left from my personal space over 8 months ago.

I sit at the laptop and spray Rescue Remedy into my mouth.

I juggle baby from breast to upright to breast again, who is still wailing,

As I'm already at the laptop I search for a meditation I found posted on Facebook a few months ago. And the search engine also gave me a similar, few minutes longer one as well. Baby finally began to dose away at the beginning of the second video.