Day 72 - Bleeding Day

Sometimes a state change happens because of external circumstances. In last night's case, it was a call from a cousin looking for a bed, as her planned accommodation didn't work out. It got me out of my slump, and she was a brief but great company as she settled for the night and before she left in the morning.

However the bleed flow remained just as fierce, with still no appetite and dizzy spells.

H tried to look after me and baby as he noticed. I eventually retreated to bed to crochet horizontally, and finished another square.

Meanwhile baby teeth issues and short temper continued. Tried the numbing gel applications, frozen carrots, cold chamomile tea, lots of cuddling a try, to see which one she was in the mood for at the time.

I also was able to finally connect with dad on Skype; numerous times, as if to catch up with the missed conversations while we were away and he was sick.

Day 71 - Simple Pleasures

- Watching baby's bath time, the way she kicks and splashes the water.
- Attempting to follow a YouTube tutorial. Many fails, and many successes too.
- Being an insomniac together, munching on celery and watching the Food channel.

Day 70 - Couple Care Date

H decided one day that as a treat, he wanted to go to Gold Class to see the new Star Wars movie. He had never done Gold Class movies before, and it had been years since I went once. This took quite a bit of organising, including the question of will mother in law be available to babysit. After some doubts about her work hours, it finally came to pass that she was.

Then it was a matter of getting baby used to her grandmother, which would have required a more frequent visitation. This took a bit of back-and-forth to arrange time, but we did it.

I noted my nervousness increasing. I knew baby would not like being separated. She does not fall asleep easily and will not sleep anywhere else but on or beside me. I kept remembering how the last time the babysitter was over it took just half-hour before she was over being with somebody else. I also noted mother-in-law's low self-esteem, and worried she would take it personally that there was nothing she can do to settle baby.

Coupled with anxiety of Christmas, I wasn't feeling too good about the day, at the same time being excited over the first date since birth.

I woke to cramping belly and thought my period had started, as it was due today. After lulling baby back to sleep, I got up after 5am and curled up on the couch for a short while. Strangely turning the tv on broke that state, and further improved by drink and food. By the time baby woke up properly, a little after 8am, I was feeling much more positive about the day to come.

The sleep-in also meant happier baby to be left in care. I also wrote a few 'instructions', which made me feel more confident about leaving her.

The date went well and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves for a few hours.

Apparently, as I predicted, baby wailed until she passed out for 2 hours, and had only just woken up when we arrived home. Mother-in-law had her nap with her, which I was pleased about.

I tried to deflect her saying "good girl" (one of the instructions was to phrase it another way), but as she kept repeating it, I see that this is one area that needs more work on and a constant reminder. It will also be beneficial to have H on board with it. It is a boundary and respect issue.

Overall it was a great day.

Day 66 - Relaxing

Resting with the baby sort of the day, slowing things down for her. Frustrating for me when I go my own way to do things, and then she makes me stop and be with her or put her consideration in.

Lesson in mindfulness.

Day 36 - Partner List

This morning Kylie Stretton shared an extract from her book, an event from the time when her first child was a toddler:

FINDING KYLIE BOOK EXTRACT PAGES 30-31: 

One hot summer afternoon just after Christmas, we were in the backyard having a barbecue and Kain was splashing around in his toddler pool. I had just found that Happy book I had read three years earlier so I sat beside him and started reading it again from the beginning. Again, it was like a bell went off in my brain, but louder this time and the words jumped off the page: “You become what you hang around.” I looked up at a crowd of twenty of Johnny’s mates standing around swearing their heads off, drinking beer from stubbies and smoking bongs, cooking up snags on the barbie with holey shorts on and no shirts or shoes while music with disgusting lyrics blared from the speakers. Then an image flashed into my mind: I was wearing a long, sparkling red evening gown and my hair and make-up was perfect. I was sitting at an elegant dining table in a beautiful house sipping fine wine at a banquet. I was surprised and had no idea where this image came from. But it was enough to make me stand up, pick up the baby and run inside. I locked us in the bedroom and after I had dried and dressed Kain I sat down with a pen and paper and started writing down everything I wanted my boyfriend to be: 

I want him to hold my hand in public.
I want him to listen to me.
I want him to show me affection (not just when he wants sex).
I want him to be my best friend.
I want us to be a team and care for our child together.
I want him to take us out for dinner.
I want him to accept me for who I am.
I want him to want a life with me and make plans for the future.
I want him to believe in me.
I want to feel beautiful.
I want him to love me.
I want him to treasure our son and me. 

The list went on and on. Later, I showed Johnny and he laughed in my face saying the only guy I’d find who would do those things would be a gay guy. Then he ripped it to pieces and burnt it. I ran to the bedroom and cried for the rest of the night but later I wrote the list out again and hid it so well even I couldn’t find it later! It didn’t matter though; the words were imprinted in my brain. ‪#‎FINDINGKYLIEBOOK‬

I remembered that I showed a similar list to my date one time, after hearing about how this person did it on their first date. That their reaction would be an indication of that date's commitment. Whether the date foresaw a short-term or long-term relationship. And if the date was willing to be those things now. Or that they would run away right then, in which case it wasn't going to last anyway.

The list came about from a relationship section of a few different personal development activities. It came about while I was dating a previous partner. When that relationship ended, I revised the list, and saw that most of it still applied.

But the most important part of these qualities I wanted from him was, that I could not ask someone to do these things for me if I wasn't doing these for myself, That how could I ask him to do these for me without me doing these things for him.

That this list is not a one-off 'job interview' checklist (although works perfectly well for conversation material!), but a lifetime commitment to myself.

Am I kind to myself in public?
Do I listen to what I was saying to myself?
Do I show myself affection?
Am I my best friend?
How committed am I to loving my family?
Do I take me out on meal or coffee dates?
How often do I review future plans?
Do I accept me for who I am?
Do I believe in me?
What do I do to feel beautiful?
Do I love me?

Yes, what a question: "Do I love me?"

*Finding Kylie now out. Purchase it here.

Day 14 - Relationship Assessment Meeting

Once in a while I would wish H and I had a scheduled connecting time. An occurrence would happen, as with any relationships, that required much discussions and resolving. Following the event I would suggest having something more frequently, and he replied that he preferred things to happen more spontaneously. Weekly coffee dates/lunch and grocery shopping, in hindsight, had taken its place as a scheduled spontaneous connecting time. 

It became less frequent while I had a weekend employment, and even rarer after baby's arrival. Private time together were non-existant while my support people were around, and by the time that dust had settled watching tv at night during dinner had become a new daily routine.

As we both have introverted personalities that require lots of personal space. However, his gaming started to get to me when, by the time I had waited for him to finish a round, it had been hours and he was ready for bed. He got increasingly narky about my requests while he was playing. He would sit baby at his lap and get angry at her for 'not sitting still' and move her away while I had asked him to look after her. As her awareness became clearer she would look over at him, staring into the screen. As I held her beside him, she would reach out to his headphones. It would take loud prompting to get any attention at all.

Sunday prior to the big blow-up, I walked out, leaving baby on the desk. For months, my request for hugs were denied as he pointed out I was already getting a hug from the baby as I fed her. He would offer to make tea as hug replacement, and many cups were drunk . My stress-levels were rising as every time I looked up I could see him gazing into the screen. For me to initiate a conversation I would gauge if he was in the middle of a battle or travelling, as I am aware of how distracting it is to have someone talk to me while I'm in the middle of a quest.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Relaxing. It's the weekend."

Where's my relaxing weekend!?

After much reflections and discussions, changes that were implemented seem to have gone well during the week. We were much more kind and loving towards each other, and to the baby. I wanted to make sure things were as good as it looked.

I announced our first Relationship Assessment Meeting. It was to be a safe space for everyone involved to share what was on their mind, especially appreciations and disappointments. While for now it is only H and I, the forum will eventually allow baby's voice and contribution too.

This session included how we were coping with the changes, and for some immediate things to action in the near future, before the next review. 

While I am considering to add more questions, I started with these:

- What 1 thing do you commit to for your own happiness?

- What 1 thing do you commit to for other's happiness?

- What 1 thing would you like me to do for you during the week?

While I would like it to become more of a ceremonial event, I believe the business meeting-like structure worked well for our first time around.