Day 14 - Relationship Assessment Meeting

Once in a while I would wish H and I had a scheduled connecting time. An occurrence would happen, as with any relationships, that required much discussions and resolving. Following the event I would suggest having something more frequently, and he replied that he preferred things to happen more spontaneously. Weekly coffee dates/lunch and grocery shopping, in hindsight, had taken its place as a scheduled spontaneous connecting time. 

It became less frequent while I had a weekend employment, and even rarer after baby's arrival. Private time together were non-existant while my support people were around, and by the time that dust had settled watching tv at night during dinner had become a new daily routine.

As we both have introverted personalities that require lots of personal space. However, his gaming started to get to me when, by the time I had waited for him to finish a round, it had been hours and he was ready for bed. He got increasingly narky about my requests while he was playing. He would sit baby at his lap and get angry at her for 'not sitting still' and move her away while I had asked him to look after her. As her awareness became clearer she would look over at him, staring into the screen. As I held her beside him, she would reach out to his headphones. It would take loud prompting to get any attention at all.

Sunday prior to the big blow-up, I walked out, leaving baby on the desk. For months, my request for hugs were denied as he pointed out I was already getting a hug from the baby as I fed her. He would offer to make tea as hug replacement, and many cups were drunk . My stress-levels were rising as every time I looked up I could see him gazing into the screen. For me to initiate a conversation I would gauge if he was in the middle of a battle or travelling, as I am aware of how distracting it is to have someone talk to me while I'm in the middle of a quest.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Relaxing. It's the weekend."

Where's my relaxing weekend!?

After much reflections and discussions, changes that were implemented seem to have gone well during the week. We were much more kind and loving towards each other, and to the baby. I wanted to make sure things were as good as it looked.

I announced our first Relationship Assessment Meeting. It was to be a safe space for everyone involved to share what was on their mind, especially appreciations and disappointments. While for now it is only H and I, the forum will eventually allow baby's voice and contribution too.

This session included how we were coping with the changes, and for some immediate things to action in the near future, before the next review. 

While I am considering to add more questions, I started with these:

- What 1 thing do you commit to for your own happiness?

- What 1 thing do you commit to for other's happiness?

- What 1 thing would you like me to do for you during the week?

While I would like it to become more of a ceremonial event, I believe the business meeting-like structure worked well for our first time around.