Day 87 - Body Scan

I had a body scan tonight

My Prehenite chose you tonight.  

Here's what came up: Base/Root Chakra: Issues with stability, foundations and grounding. It's just a little sluggish and could use a tune up.  

Solar Plexus Chakra: Flexibility. There's something that you are being inflexible about and it's actually starting to affect your life in some way. Time to get that energy flowing again and find your flexibility and adaptibility.  

Heart Chakra: Self-doubt. You need to have compassion for yourself. This is an ongoing, recurring lesson for you. It has come down through many reincarnations. 

I hope this helps! Blessings xx

My question is, what am I being stubborn about?

Day 41 - Assigning Values

For the dino sketches to be viable, I need to assign value to them. It requires me to convert everything I put into them into money count. Receiving decided amounts will lead to validating of my self-worth and also my works.

The most straightforward one is: what is my hourly value? I have some idea of what my physical labour industry rates were from the nurseries.

What value do I put on my education, both formal and informal, where I learned art?

What value do I put on the extra work, is research time on par with drawing time, or at a different calculation?

Do the characters have an intrinsic value, not necessarily at a time conversion?

Will the value change again once I move away from pen and pencils to computer graphics?

Do I include cost of materials - paper and pen for now, but perhaps later other mediums?

Question I must ask the client is, are the characters a stand-alone or active in a scene? Background details will increase time spent doing them.

I found these tapping from Jen Ward's Jenuine Healing Sharing Circle to be relevant to the topic:

"I make space in the world for all souls to be loved and validated; in all moments"
"I remove all blockages to all souls being loved and validated; in all moments"
"I stretch the worlds capacity to love and validate all souls; in all moments"
"I make space in the world for ignorance and prejudice to be abolished; in all moments"
"I remove all blockages to ignorance and prejudice being abolished; in all moments"
"I stretch the worlds capacity to abolish ignorance and prejudice; in all moments"
"I make space in the world for all forms of abundance to be as valued as much as money; in all moments"
"I remove all blockages to all forms of abundance being as valued as money; in all moments"
"I stretch the worlds capacity to value all forms of abundance as much as money; in all moments"
"I make space in the world for nature to be loved and cultivated; in all moments"
"I remove all blockages to nature to be loved and cultivated; in all moments"
"I stretch the worlds capacity to love and cultivate Nature; in all moments"
"I make space in the world for ignorance and prejudice to be abolished; in all moments"

Day 39 - Maintaining My Vibration

I went to a networking lunch in the city. Even though I left and arrived very early, driving during tired time puts baby to sleep, which is a blessing knowing some babies don't like cars at all. Also leaving early gave me the peace of mind that I could stop to nurse if we needed to, and still arrive on time.

When people started to arrive, it was evident that this month's meeting was going to be a special one with all but one person being a new comer. With introduction, there was artist (me), several writers, and a publishers. The synchronicity was amazing to participate in. Even if it was not so, I enjoyed being around driven and supportive women.

The reason why I went was because Anne Aleckson had posted that she would be speaking. Her topic of raising and then maintaining your vibration resonated with what I've been doing with this blog. It's one thing to intend to change beliefs and attitudes, but it was individual responsibility to then keep maintaining it.

If you approach and interact with people's pure love, you will be meeting yours and their highest good.

Since the visioning of establishing boundaries, it took violent signs to actually set them up. I had door knocked, neighbour drunk-texting me, and H's overenthusiastic affections that I was becoming fearful of.

I saw that it's very easy to blame all these people for not understanding my needs. That they are the ones not respecting me.

But am I respecting myself? Am I denying my own aggressiveness? Am I unintentionally invading other people's personal space?

There are of course examples of where I am not respecting me. That I have aggressive tendencies sometimes. That I take up space all the time.

That when people annoy me, that they are my mirror on areas I can do with improvement, completely accept that I have those personalities inside me, that I can equalise it through my own learnings.

While I work on my self-love, it feels like this sign on the front door is helping with the physical boundaries of the premise:

Do Not Knock!
It wakes the baby that wakes the mother then becomes cranky and the rest of the family suffers for the entire week.

Day 36 - Partner List

This morning Kylie Stretton shared an extract from her book, an event from the time when her first child was a toddler:

FINDING KYLIE BOOK EXTRACT PAGES 30-31: 

One hot summer afternoon just after Christmas, we were in the backyard having a barbecue and Kain was splashing around in his toddler pool. I had just found that Happy book I had read three years earlier so I sat beside him and started reading it again from the beginning. Again, it was like a bell went off in my brain, but louder this time and the words jumped off the page: “You become what you hang around.” I looked up at a crowd of twenty of Johnny’s mates standing around swearing their heads off, drinking beer from stubbies and smoking bongs, cooking up snags on the barbie with holey shorts on and no shirts or shoes while music with disgusting lyrics blared from the speakers. Then an image flashed into my mind: I was wearing a long, sparkling red evening gown and my hair and make-up was perfect. I was sitting at an elegant dining table in a beautiful house sipping fine wine at a banquet. I was surprised and had no idea where this image came from. But it was enough to make me stand up, pick up the baby and run inside. I locked us in the bedroom and after I had dried and dressed Kain I sat down with a pen and paper and started writing down everything I wanted my boyfriend to be: 

I want him to hold my hand in public.
I want him to listen to me.
I want him to show me affection (not just when he wants sex).
I want him to be my best friend.
I want us to be a team and care for our child together.
I want him to take us out for dinner.
I want him to accept me for who I am.
I want him to want a life with me and make plans for the future.
I want him to believe in me.
I want to feel beautiful.
I want him to love me.
I want him to treasure our son and me. 

The list went on and on. Later, I showed Johnny and he laughed in my face saying the only guy I’d find who would do those things would be a gay guy. Then he ripped it to pieces and burnt it. I ran to the bedroom and cried for the rest of the night but later I wrote the list out again and hid it so well even I couldn’t find it later! It didn’t matter though; the words were imprinted in my brain. ‪#‎FINDINGKYLIEBOOK‬

I remembered that I showed a similar list to my date one time, after hearing about how this person did it on their first date. That their reaction would be an indication of that date's commitment. Whether the date foresaw a short-term or long-term relationship. And if the date was willing to be those things now. Or that they would run away right then, in which case it wasn't going to last anyway.

The list came about from a relationship section of a few different personal development activities. It came about while I was dating a previous partner. When that relationship ended, I revised the list, and saw that most of it still applied.

But the most important part of these qualities I wanted from him was, that I could not ask someone to do these things for me if I wasn't doing these for myself, That how could I ask him to do these for me without me doing these things for him.

That this list is not a one-off 'job interview' checklist (although works perfectly well for conversation material!), but a lifetime commitment to myself.

Am I kind to myself in public?
Do I listen to what I was saying to myself?
Do I show myself affection?
Am I my best friend?
How committed am I to loving my family?
Do I take me out on meal or coffee dates?
How often do I review future plans?
Do I accept me for who I am?
Do I believe in me?
What do I do to feel beautiful?
Do I love me?

Yes, what a question: "Do I love me?"

*Finding Kylie now out. Purchase it here.

Day 34 - Questions

"However much I work on my internal self, whether that be mindset, gratitude, medication, counselling, coaching... if I don't change my environment and behaviour, the situation will not shift."

- What in my environment can I physically change?
- Who am I allowing into my personal space?
- When can I make time to implement small changes every day?
- What am I allowing in subconsciously and how do I fortify my boundaries?

Day 14 - Relationship Assessment Meeting

Once in a while I would wish H and I had a scheduled connecting time. An occurrence would happen, as with any relationships, that required much discussions and resolving. Following the event I would suggest having something more frequently, and he replied that he preferred things to happen more spontaneously. Weekly coffee dates/lunch and grocery shopping, in hindsight, had taken its place as a scheduled spontaneous connecting time. 

It became less frequent while I had a weekend employment, and even rarer after baby's arrival. Private time together were non-existant while my support people were around, and by the time that dust had settled watching tv at night during dinner had become a new daily routine.

As we both have introverted personalities that require lots of personal space. However, his gaming started to get to me when, by the time I had waited for him to finish a round, it had been hours and he was ready for bed. He got increasingly narky about my requests while he was playing. He would sit baby at his lap and get angry at her for 'not sitting still' and move her away while I had asked him to look after her. As her awareness became clearer she would look over at him, staring into the screen. As I held her beside him, she would reach out to his headphones. It would take loud prompting to get any attention at all.

Sunday prior to the big blow-up, I walked out, leaving baby on the desk. For months, my request for hugs were denied as he pointed out I was already getting a hug from the baby as I fed her. He would offer to make tea as hug replacement, and many cups were drunk . My stress-levels were rising as every time I looked up I could see him gazing into the screen. For me to initiate a conversation I would gauge if he was in the middle of a battle or travelling, as I am aware of how distracting it is to have someone talk to me while I'm in the middle of a quest.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Relaxing. It's the weekend."

Where's my relaxing weekend!?

After much reflections and discussions, changes that were implemented seem to have gone well during the week. We were much more kind and loving towards each other, and to the baby. I wanted to make sure things were as good as it looked.

I announced our first Relationship Assessment Meeting. It was to be a safe space for everyone involved to share what was on their mind, especially appreciations and disappointments. While for now it is only H and I, the forum will eventually allow baby's voice and contribution too.

This session included how we were coping with the changes, and for some immediate things to action in the near future, before the next review. 

While I am considering to add more questions, I started with these:

- What 1 thing do you commit to for your own happiness?

- What 1 thing do you commit to for other's happiness?

- What 1 thing would you like me to do for you during the week?

While I would like it to become more of a ceremonial event, I believe the business meeting-like structure worked well for our first time around.

Reclaiming - Day 10

Today's task asked to make a list of questions to wake up to every morning.

While I already had been keeping the questions mentioned in Day 1 and Day 8, they are either a direct quote from someone or a re-imagined version of them. I spent the day coming up with my own personalised power questions.

- What new experiences will I have today?
- Who will I share my inspiration with today?
- What will I create today?
- What will I be inspired by today?
- What will I be most excited about today?

I wonder...

Incidentally I made a rattle out of a plastic bottle since the baby seem to like the object so much.