Day 21 - Call to Establish Boundaries

Last night's guided meditation had two distinct stories. Part one was bringing awareness to energies held in the body; tensions, shadows, blockages in the muscles and organs, paying special attention to all the parts. Part two was a stroll through the forest and greeting a tree.

Baby played all through the body awareness segment and settled down in the forest segment, and was deeply asleep by the time we were invited to come back to the room. She stayed asleep right up until pack-up time when the noises woke her up.

I missed most of what was said during the first half as the narrative was drowned by the squealing and the chattering. Her exuberant vibrations blocked out where my body was at. In another words, her needs completely took over my own, however trivial. It was only after she calmed down was I able to concentrate on me.

Which is of course what happens. Baby sleeps on me and I don't go to the toilet until she wakes up. The kettle gets boiled numerous times because she needs immediate feed. I'm just starting to allow space for minor upsets in favour of my needs. My needs were especially not honoured when H was rejecting baby and I in favour of his need for solitude, of which is now rectified.

While it is not a necessity just yet during this infant dependency stage, I have been made aware that establishing boundaries between my child and I will be a crucial exercise later.

Day 20 - Releasing "Not Belonging"

If someone asked for a technique, it's a round-about way of reminding me to do them as well.

I made some time this afternoon to do these tapping, written by Jen Ward of Jenuine Healing. It has been a while since I had done one of her marathon tapping. Statements are said out loud 4 times; 3 while tapping the top of the head and once on the heart. It's a supercharged version of EFT.

"I release the trauma of being grounded on Earth; in all moments."
"I release resenting Earth; in all moments."
"I release feeling like an alien on Earth; in all moments."
"I release the belief that I don't belong on Earth; in all moments."
"I release the trauma of being abandoned on Earth; in all moments."
"I release rejecting Earth; in all moments."
"I release waiting to be saved; in all moments."
"I release hating my Earth body; in all moments."
"I release rejecting my Earth body; in all moments."
"I release the trauma of losing my tail; in all moments."
"I release mourning my tail; in all moments."
"I release having trouble balancing without my tail; in all moments."
"I release feeling like a stranger to humans; in all moments."
"I release the inability to interact with humans; in all moments."
"I release feeling suffocated in this human body; in all moments."
"I release the trauma of losing my wings; in all moments."
"I release grounding myself; in all moments."
"I declare myself a surrogate for humanity in doing these taps; in all moments."
"I release the belief that I am limited to the human body; in all moments."
"I release negating all but the physical interaction; in all moments."
"I release rejecting the reality of my imagination; in all moments."
"I release being locked down in the physical body; in all moments."
"I release rejecting my intangible self; in all moments."
"I release vacillating between vulnerability and superiority in the physical body; in all moments."
"I release denying my true self; in all moments."
"I release the primal need to conquer; in all moments."
"I release the belief that humans are superior to other species; in all moments."
"I release using superiority as a form of denial; in all moments."
"I release the fear of my own vulnerability; in all moments."
"I remove all the self-induced prophecy of the negative force; in all moments."
"I release feeling vulnerable in energy to a negative force; in all moments."
"I release manifesting a negative force; in all moments."
"I withdraw all my energy from anything negative that I have created; in all moments."
"I collapse and dissolve all negative creations that I have created; in all moments."
"I withdraw all my energy from all others' negative creations that I have supported; in all moments."
"I collapse and dissolve the wing that I have supported in all others' negative creations; in all moments."
"I remove all vivaxes between myself and the human body; in all moments."
"I remove all vivaxes between myself and physical existence; in all moments."
"I release being led around by the nose by physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all tentacles between myself and physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove the claws of physical existence from my beingness; in all moments."
"I release being enslaved to physical existence; in all moments."
"I release being diminished by physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all programming and conditioning that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I remove all engrams that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I send all energy matrices into the light that trap me in physical existence; in all moments."
"I send all energy matrices into the light that prevent me from seeing my omniscience; in all moments."
"I send all energy matrices into the light that prevent me from knowing my omnipotence; in all moments."
"I send all energy matrices into the light that prevent my from being omnipresent; in all moments."
"I recant all vows and agreements between myself and physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all curses between myself and physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all blessings between myself and physical existence, in all moments."
"I sever all strings and cords and wires between myself and physical existence; in all moments."
"I dissolve all karmic ties between myself and physical existence; in all moments."
"I withdraw all my energy from physical existence; in all moments."
"I strip all illusion off of physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all masks, walls, and armor from physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all the pain, burden, and limitations that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I remove all the pain, burden, and limitations that I have put on all others due to physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all the fear, futility, helplessness, and unworthiness that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I remove all the fear, futility, helplessness, and unworthiness that I have put on all others due to physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove the illusion of separateness that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I remove the illusion of separateness that I have put on all others due to physical existence; in all moments."
"I take back all the joy, love, abundance, freedom, health, and wholeness that physical existence has taken from me; in all moments."
"I give back to all others' all the joy, love, abundance, freedom, health, and wholeness that I have taken from them due to physical existence; in all moments."
"I release resonating with physical existence, in all moments."
"I release emanating with physical existence; in all moments."
"I strip off all illusion that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I strip off all illusion that I have put on all others due to physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all the masks, walls, and armor that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I remove all masks, walls, and armor that I have put on all others due to physical existence; in all moments."
"I extract all of physical existence from my sound frequency; in all moments."
"I extract all of physical existence from my light emanation; in all moments."
"I shift my paradigm from physical existence to joy, love, abundance, freedom, empowerment, and wholeness; in all moments."
"I shift humanity's paradigm from physical existence to joy, love, abundance, freedom, empowerment, and wholeness; in all moments."
"I transcend physical existence, in all moments."
"Humanity transcends physical existence; in all moments."
"I am centered and empowered in joy, love, abundance, freedom, health, and wholeness; in all moments."
"Humanity is centered and empowered in joy, love, abundance, freedom, health, and wholeness; in all moments."
"I resonate and emanate joy, love, abundance, freedom, health, and wholeness within myself and to all others; in all moments."
"Humanity resonates, emanates, and is interconnected in joy, love, abundance, freedom, health, and wholeness; in all moments."

Day 19 - A Legendary Mystical Creature

On Monday I listened in on a conversation about people remembering being experimented on in their past lives. Even though they said it's ok because they got over it, I was upset that such cruelty continue in this existence.

Along with researching animals of the past for the sketches, as well as the usual triggering articles, took me to despairing this current reality.

Please, take me off this shit planet. Somewhere away from horrible humans.

It's been years since I have felt this way, having made the effort to make myself at home.

It's comforting to hear I'm not the only one feeling this way. That they have their own way of coping at times like these.

This came through Facebook this afternoon.

It made me realise that I don't have to leave to experience what I want, because I have my sparkle with me all the time.


Image courtesy of Thug Unicorn

Day 18 - Full Moon Thunder

Thunderstorms always charges me. With the recent wild weather, yesterday afternoon was the first chance I had to stand in the rain, watch the lightening, and soak up the lively vibrations.

Primal roar calling, nitrate-attaching.

Also aware that beyond the wild weather was the full moon rising; realisation of the potentials, bringing forth the creations.

Staying in the cold rain as long as I could stand, followed by a hot shower to wash it all off; shaking off the last little bit that does not serve me, welcoming all that does.

I did not sleep that night.

Awake, content, anticipating...

What else will my sparkle attract towards me?

Day 17 - Getting to Know Dinosaurs

One of the unhelpful suggestions H had after an episode few months ago, was for me to start a project. The Logical Brain of course agreed. The Emotional Brain rejected the premise and was asking to be hugged and to be listened to instead. Low Self-Esteem said why bother, nothing I do was good enough anyway. Inspiration had nothing to add in that moment. Uterus was waiting to shed its lining before immersing itself in blanket-making, and not a moment before.

Guides were saying wait, rest, let go.

I was introduced to someone yesterday that is in search for dinosaur images. I offered.

At the rate I have been drawing today, I may have a few show-able designs by the weekend.

It's been a quiet whisper from the long-ago animals this year. A pack of dinosaur bath toys arrived for the baby along with all her other gifts. Power Rangers' first season has dinosaurs as power totems. And then while cleaning the shed I discovered a Tasmanian tiger and a glyptodon among the box of stuffed toys.

Time will tell if these sketches become part of a larger project, or add-up to more whispering from the past and take me in another direction.

Day 16 - It's a Monday Thing

Early morning. Baby squirms and attaches to me. I unlatch her after a few minutes. She resumes her squirming. She attaches, I unlatch. Attach, unlatch. Please, no more, I say in my mind.

I get taken back to when I'm saying 'no' to the doctor. My mind says no no no, my body tenses, anger starts to simmer away.

The gooey sensation from accumulated overnight bleeding adds to the atmosphere of discomfort.

This time, I climb off the bed. Baby squirms again bit but drifts off to sleep just as quickly.

I pace around the house, sit on the couch, look at my phone. Baby peeps just once. I walk out the front door into the fresh morning air instead of rushing to the bedroom. The sun is yet to rise over the neighbour's roof across the road but already bright enough to see all the scenery. It has been many years since I took that scene in. Birds chirping and singing away noisily. I hear cars in the distance, people starting their early morning commutes. Monday. It is already too bright to stare at the clouds in the horizon, that is, above the roofs.

I breathe in the damp dew scent that won't be around for much longer.

I realise that this time, because I was not vocalising my 'no', I got taken back to the last time I did not vocalise my 'no.' I gave a verbal consent for the catheter when my intentions had all along been to refuse it. It was the same emotions of wanting baby to stop with the sleepy comfort suck, the quiet of the early morning family bed, the monkey-mind going where it will.

I identified my strongest no.

What am I saying yes to?

Of course there's plenty I say yes to, once I re-framed the question!

Now, what to do when the cause of PTSD is the person one spends the most time with...?

Day 15 - Menarche Rituals

My bleed returned 6 month after birthing. Although surprised that it came back so soon, I was also missing performing some rituals during the time. By the time menarchy restarted, I had began to accumulate some ideas about how to honour this girl-child's growth into womanhood.

I have no recollection of my first bleed, nor a diary record. Mum bought me pads, lamented how underwear with extra lining were not available for purchase, and got cross at me often for leaving the used liners in the bathroom. Menstruation, aside from during the occasional sex education, was only ever mentioned when skipping swimming lessons, as a lie or as a truth.

I only became interested in it in 2010 during Womanhood run by the Women's Wellbeing Association, after years of bleeding unconsciously. Now living the 4 seasons is an important aspect of loving my own body.

When my bleed returned, I began crocheting and knitting. If I can do at least one square each bleed, I will have enough for a blanket by the time baby has her first bleed. I have yet to decide whether it will be a complete blanket or a stash of squares I gift her. It's almost a decade away before I need to decide.

For now, making little squares has become part of an important care ritual to add to the bath soaks, using cloth pads, giving the blood to the earth, and plenty of resting.

I declined on the invite to attend WWA's annual Gathering this weekend. While the Period Tracker app informed me that I was due end of next week, in time for the monthly circle meetings, it feels very appropriate that this cycle's started yesterday. My body has yet to reestablish its rhythm.

Day 14 - Relationship Assessment Meeting

Once in a while I would wish H and I had a scheduled connecting time. An occurrence would happen, as with any relationships, that required much discussions and resolving. Following the event I would suggest having something more frequently, and he replied that he preferred things to happen more spontaneously. Weekly coffee dates/lunch and grocery shopping, in hindsight, had taken its place as a scheduled spontaneous connecting time. 

It became less frequent while I had a weekend employment, and even rarer after baby's arrival. Private time together were non-existant while my support people were around, and by the time that dust had settled watching tv at night during dinner had become a new daily routine.

As we both have introverted personalities that require lots of personal space. However, his gaming started to get to me when, by the time I had waited for him to finish a round, it had been hours and he was ready for bed. He got increasingly narky about my requests while he was playing. He would sit baby at his lap and get angry at her for 'not sitting still' and move her away while I had asked him to look after her. As her awareness became clearer she would look over at him, staring into the screen. As I held her beside him, she would reach out to his headphones. It would take loud prompting to get any attention at all.

Sunday prior to the big blow-up, I walked out, leaving baby on the desk. For months, my request for hugs were denied as he pointed out I was already getting a hug from the baby as I fed her. He would offer to make tea as hug replacement, and many cups were drunk . My stress-levels were rising as every time I looked up I could see him gazing into the screen. For me to initiate a conversation I would gauge if he was in the middle of a battle or travelling, as I am aware of how distracting it is to have someone talk to me while I'm in the middle of a quest.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Relaxing. It's the weekend."

Where's my relaxing weekend!?

After much reflections and discussions, changes that were implemented seem to have gone well during the week. We were much more kind and loving towards each other, and to the baby. I wanted to make sure things were as good as it looked.

I announced our first Relationship Assessment Meeting. It was to be a safe space for everyone involved to share what was on their mind, especially appreciations and disappointments. While for now it is only H and I, the forum will eventually allow baby's voice and contribution too.

This session included how we were coping with the changes, and for some immediate things to action in the near future, before the next review. 

While I am considering to add more questions, I started with these:

- What 1 thing do you commit to for your own happiness?

- What 1 thing do you commit to for other's happiness?

- What 1 thing would you like me to do for you during the week?

While I would like it to become more of a ceremonial event, I believe the business meeting-like structure worked well for our first time around.

Day 13 - In a Dream

Well after midnight H hobbled out of the bedroom, being woken by a dream. I was up because long naps in the afternoon usually pushes my sleepiness back. He told me of how I gave my wedding ring to his ex-girlfriend, she was happy about it, they watched the Lord of the Rings with her siblings and the movie morphed into a Delta Goodrem music clip, He was weirded out for a long time by the non sequitur of a story line. I pushed through with my usual questionings anyway.

"What do I and her have in common" finally dislodged some answers. He shared how different I was from the previous girlfriends. It took him back to our first months of courting. I left an impression enough for him to want to see me the next time, and the next time, and then spend some more time.

He reflected on how much he appreciated me then. Perhaps it was what he needed to bring those feelings into our relationship now.

I needed to hear those words, still feeling tender from the other day. And also to share a much needed long, quiet, uninterrupted cuddle.

Day 12 - Support Groups

I was familiar with Peach Tree Perinatal Wellness because some people had mentioned it on Facebook, and also that a friend had been going there for a few years. It took kicking a hole in the wall to contact the director, and then a few more weeks later of losing the car to finally seek them out for support.

Today we had Jen Bettridge speak to us of her journey and learnings. Most concepts I have heard before but it's so good to hear them again.

- Take the highs with the lows.
- Look for things to appreciate.
- Forgiveness does not equate to condoning or accepting
- Forgive thyself
- There is light at the end of the tunnel, even if you had long forgotten that you are even in the tunnel
- Do one personal development activity every day. Don't stress about missing a day now and again because that is also part of self-care.

That was baby and I's first outing in the new car. Hooray independence!

Day 11 - F* That Shit Meditations

Another nap time. Baby dosing away, me scrolling through another triggering article. All of a sudden all the machinery in the house goes clunk and seconds later starts up again. She startles awake and starts her wailing. She remembers that her mouth is sore. She is disgruntled for being put down on the floor for a nappy change. Nothing is going right.

My head talk repeatedly says no to the doctor in the labour room. Telling him to go away. He left from my personal space over 8 months ago.

I sit at the laptop and spray Rescue Remedy into my mouth.

I juggle baby from breast to upright to breast again, who is still wailing,

As I'm already at the laptop I search for a meditation I found posted on Facebook a few months ago. And the search engine also gave me a similar, few minutes longer one as well. Baby finally began to dose away at the beginning of the second video.

Reclaiming - Day 10

Today's task asked to make a list of questions to wake up to every morning.

While I already had been keeping the questions mentioned in Day 1 and Day 8, they are either a direct quote from someone or a re-imagined version of them. I spent the day coming up with my own personalised power questions.

- What new experiences will I have today?
- Who will I share my inspiration with today?
- What will I create today?
- What will I be inspired by today?
- What will I be most excited about today?

I wonder...

Incidentally I made a rattle out of a plastic bottle since the baby seem to like the object so much.

Reclaiming - Day 9

I received treatment from Pauline Ryeland the Intimacy Whisperer for the 2nd degree vaginal tearing couple of months after the birth. With declining self-esteem I ceased going, and then without a car it felt like I was never going to see her ever again. The recommended treatment of castor oil ceased as well, and with my bleed returning I very much forgot all about the injury.

Out of nowhere Pauline messages me how I'm going and if castor oil is doing anything. Of course it wasn't doing anything as it wasn't being applied. There is however no noticeable sensation in my groin, and only a small pain when I touch the scar area at an odd angle. It was lovely to be cared about.



In the afternoon I was doing the laundry. I heard narrations of how I am still angry, repeating some scenes from the past, and on top how this scenario gets to overload. It sometimes got to grieving tears and raging violence, with which I had to remove myself from the room completely as to not hurt the baby accidentally. But today as I felt the emotions intensify I removed myself from the room before it got too much, and turned music on. I stayed out of there until I had felt better about myself. Tackling the rest of the folding became easier after that.

Reclaiming - Day 8

Beautiful day, new adventure, delicious foods. More precisely going to Oktoberfest as a family. Enjoyable because of all the work I've been doing. As was so I did not have to rely on any emergency techniques to bring me back to joy. All was well.

But also I didn't have anything to add here, besides gratitude. There is always more gratitude, if one chooses to acknowledge them.

I managed to catch Anne Alecson's reading session on Soul TV tonight just in time, and queried whether there were any messages for me.

This is what I received:

indeed dear one Mariko we would simply urge you to keep doing what you are doing...relaxing into who you are, becoming who you desire to be...relax, relax, relax and know that all is well with you and your loved ones

Thank you Anne and guides for the validation that I am on the right track.

I wonder what's next to relax even more into my sparkle?

Reclaiming - Day 7

One of the powerful questions one can ask is "How could it possibly get better than this?" While I was in the darkest of moments it seemed there was nothing to be thankful for, let alone imagining it could even be smidgen better. 3am with a baby full of energy, enjoying her company as I sleepily reflected back on this past week, was the first time in years my mind had formed this sentence. I smiled in reply that I didn't have to picture what it was, but to welcome it whatever shape that may be.

It answered in the shape of a vehicle. I will be mobile again from Tuesday evening.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Financing it has become a responsibility, to be sorted as I am able.

How else could things possibly get any better than this?

Reclaiming - Day 6 (Fit Friday!)

One thing I idealised before children was the concept of exercising with babies. A video (of which I could not find since) of a new mother with her few-months old infant, using the baby as weights, left an impression on me, as a wonderful way of incorporating one's value for fitness and baby's need to be held.

The value of my fitness drifted rapidly down the scale with birth recovery challenges, mastitis pains, and the clash of nighttime schedules at home and taekwondo. Finally the loss of transport with the car dying removed getting to the classes as an option entirely, and with declining self-esteem increased my snacking habits some more.

I had tried some stretches and lifts by myself a few times with no feeling of accomplishment (but plenty of feeling awkwardness and clumsiness). I searched YouTube this morning for an exercising with a baby video, and found a 20 minute cardio routine.

All that bouncing around was so exhausting that all baby wanted after was to have a big drink and go for her first nap of the day. How adorable.

For me even though I got tired during, I was smiling the entire time. Which was more than I do of 20 minutes of staring at my phone all the time.

Reclaiming - Day 5 (Thankful Thursday!)

To be present in one's integrity to appeal to another's integrity is the quickest way to heart connection.

As a result of yesterday morning's conversation, H came home more committed, created some goals in regards to things that were on his mind, and followed through on being a father. This in turn gave me the space I had been asking for of uninterrupted me time, an enjoyable meal, and to face baby's bedtime without feeling lonely. Listening to their interactions was joyful. When baby began her hungry whines they didn't feel so urgent, but rather, I could empathise and tell her it's only a few more minutes away. I felt my boundaries were respected.

This morning I found this gem of a post from Kylie Stretton the Mummy Motivator:

Finding You Tip 7: SELF-LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE 

As the old saying goes, if you cannot love yourself, you cannot truly love another. When you love and accept yourself fully you do not need anyone else to fulfil those needs within you. So give yourself the love and acceptance you deserve. Think of the little child within you, and take care of that child as though it were a living, breathing soul - because it is! Don't criticise or blame or admonish. Instead, accept yourself exactly as you are: a perfect, complete and worthy human being. When you approve of yourself the changes around you happen immediately. You will see that you live in a more positive and loving world. The external change is a manifestation of the internal change - all this change comes from within you! ‪

Keeping with the theme of caring for the inner child, I decided to do a small craft project to upgrade my Gratitude Jar. I must confess it had been sitting there collecting dust instead of gratitude notes for a few years. I also finally knew what I wanted to do with the large coffee jar I had been saving for inspiration to hit.

I read through all the notes in there and added a few more from this week's memos. The notes mentioning aircon and fans and cool breeze under the shade especially made me smile in this current warm weather.

I declare today Thankful Thursday.


*Kylie's book Finding Kylie will be available for purchase from late November.

Reclaiming Day 4

Yesterday afternoon I received from Tiarnie Wielder of Guided From Within a one card reading of Wild Unknown Tarot Deck.

Emotional. Romantic.

It first felt as though it was a call to my own romancing. It had been a few days since a foot bath after all.

The connection to this came after 10pm when at first H refused to hold baby the way she wanted to be. Argument ensured, he insulted me, and I cried. I was called a slave to my offspring, for responding to her need to be held. I was offended for my efforts and for the mothers past unappreciated. I was offended for my need to hold my offspring instinctively, and everybody else who want to actually hold babies. I was insulted for his mother that raised him on her own.

Offended for past slaves, whose task was to wet nurse all her master's brood before her own, only to have those children turn on her as they grew into their whiteness.

I made him 'apologise', though in his sleepy state the conversations were disjointed and I ceased perusing.

I cried some more. Baby's cries went from general displeasure to gum pains and finally to I'm thirsty from all this crying, I allowed mine to run its course as baby lulled to sleep in my arms. During which I messaged MIL to ask about the next course of action.

She called me. We both vented, laughed, I cried some more as she listened. 3 hours later we agreed to hang up as we were both busting for the toilet, and implement a few things when she came over on the weekend.

It took another hour before I decided to write H a letter of where I was at, and outlining his choices.

Heart broken, offering of reconciliation.

We spoke in the morning, and he only left realising he was running late. Leaving me to catch up with the sleep I didn't get 'because he wanted one'. 

Kareena Glanville explained so eloquently what I had called 'coming down from seminar high.' It's the sensation of coming back into the familiar environment after doing breakthrough courses, and feeling disappointed with reality. She calls it 'the hangover', where resistances, self-doubt, negativity creeps into the psyche as your own voices, or external unexpected events, or some combination of both. 

Being called a slave of my offspring, and my reaction to it, certainly fits the description. Decision to not to tolerate verbal abuse and in extent to his recent avoidance behaviour certainly fits this category.

I didn't think Relationships would be the first priority when I started this public journaling of my processes, though reading back at my first post I put Health (managing sleep) and Relationship Communication as the first two issues that came to my mind. In hindsight perhaps the healing were heading in this direction all along.

So to recap I used:

- Attempts at communicating

- Crying until empty (catharsis)

- Reaching out and talking about it

- Some decisions about my tolerance and what I'm worth

And finally

- Slept with baby for her naps.

I also took some extra vitamins for boost and Rescue Remedy a few times over the course of the night/day.

Reclaiming - Day 3

This morning I woke up wondering what I would write about today. It was unusual for me to look so far ahead into the future on unplanned days, having gotten so used to going with the flow and demand of baby's requirements.

To look for today's inspiration I put on Anthony Robbins' Personal Power CD, remembering how much I got out of the program the first time around. While I skipped half of 'Day 1' as it was mostly introduction that I have heard before, I did sneak some notes down in between cuddles and feeding.

One of the mantras that is repeated throughout the program is "Past does not equal the future."

I do wonder how I would have reacted to hear that during some of the flashbacks, talking to now-imaginary people, reenacting situations or re-imagining scenarios. Past definitely was invading the present and the worry of when it was going to happen again. My flashbacks never had any predictable patterns, though happening more during quiet times. My reaction to them ranged from melancholy tears to violent rage to suicidal thoughts. While these emotions were present, future visioning were added torture.

And now I find myself ok with the idea that it might be wonderful to exist next week, next year, the next few hours.

The task set for 'Day 1' was to find two things I had been putting off. "Like a phone call!" The instructions were that it didn't have to be overwhelmingly massive, just a task I had been putting off, that when I'm done, will give me a sense of accomplishment and self-esteem. Since I did the telephone thing yesterday, I decided the two things will be the bed of the spare room and the toys in the lounge room.

I observed that I procrastinated to get to these tasks, by cleaning other areas. Dry dishes got put away, morning's wash got hung out, things in the room had to be rearranged in order for the bed to be tidied. I was actually happy to do it because felt already accomplished from doing the regular but unplanned tasks in the kitchen and laundry. And I also wondered about what else could be done today? The lounge room tidying did not take as long as I thought, as all the items were large things that needed a place. As a result the pram now has its own space, something that took 8 months to accomplish since its purchase.

Two tasks already accomplished. Perhaps the lesson is that daunting tasks are sometimes not as big as they appear to be.

I see scattered toys that could be put away. Another thing to accomplish.

Reclaiming - Day 2

Anxiety. Body shaking. Heart rushing. Mouth dry.

The reaction to the "need" to do something. Some things just have to be done, like a phone call regarding overdue payments. It was on my mind a lot waiting for the magical 9 o'clock to tick over. But baby had a nap that got interrupted by a knock at the door. Cue more body shaking from the surprise noise.

I view back at the last few months, thanking all that time I took to recover. A month or so ago I asked, for a different issue, if there was an online chat option for those of us too anxious to even pick up the phone. Turns out there are plenty of services like that, thankfully.

Picked up the phone. Put the phone down to go to the toilet. Came out and had a glass of water. Deep breathing. Sprayed on "Christmas Calm" by Kinique Kinesiology. It's a soft smell with a hint of sweetness. It's Christmas everyday when you use this regularly.

Pressed in the number. Hang up. Repeat, several times, as I get navigated around automated instructions, fumbling with information required, replying too slow for the recording. Finally getting through to an operator, for him to inform me that the online processing had actually worked, despite my screen telling me otherwise.

Automation is awesome. Humans to talk to on the other end of the phone are awesome. Thankfully it is now set up and I can anxiety about something else.

I spray more Christmas Calm onto the heart area.

Reclaiming Mariko - Day 1

Health challenges, relationship communications, distance between friends and family, financial crisis, spiritual bankruptcy, loud voices inside the head. "New" baby that isn't so new anymore. It's all happening and nothing at all, at the same time.

Taking a deep breath and out, one moment at a time.

This space is to document my journeying through mental challenges, emotional accountability, past blockages and uplifting myself into love, joy, peace, excitement, creativity, wholeness and wellness.

Each day I will be posting 1 technique I did in order to center myself.

To get started, here is a quote from Kareena Granville's Sparkle Challenge:

I wonder how I will find my sparkle...
I wonder how my life will be better when I reclaim my sparkle...
I wonder what opportunities will be attracted into my life as I reclaim my sparkle...
I wonder how my sparkle will be of service to others...

"Wondering" is an open invitation to whimsy, magical even.

So I do wonder, where will this blog lead me to?