Day 73 - Year in Review 2015

I looked around with my positive lenses, and there were plenty to appreciate and reflect back in joy.

Happy New Year to me!

Day 72 - Bleeding Day

Sometimes a state change happens because of external circumstances. In last night's case, it was a call from a cousin looking for a bed, as her planned accommodation didn't work out. It got me out of my slump, and she was a brief but great company as she settled for the night and before she left in the morning.

However the bleed flow remained just as fierce, with still no appetite and dizzy spells.

H tried to look after me and baby as he noticed. I eventually retreated to bed to crochet horizontally, and finished another square.

Meanwhile baby teeth issues and short temper continued. Tried the numbing gel applications, frozen carrots, cold chamomile tea, lots of cuddling a try, to see which one she was in the mood for at the time.

I also was able to finally connect with dad on Skype; numerous times, as if to catch up with the missed conversations while we were away and he was sick.

Weekend Holiday (Christmas)

Our Christmas routine had settled into visiting both mine and H's family in Warwick, because they coincidentally live in the same town.

I was challenged a few times with baby's crying. Her disrupted routine, extended sitting strapped down in the seat belt, and limited contact upset her enough to continue screaming instead of falling asleep. It took several goes of this to finally find a rhythm to get her to sleep before driving a distance.

On Christmas day I had an emergency session with my mother-in-law for her stresses. I used Rescue Remedy as a mouth spray, Christmas Calm as an entire body spray, and Wild Orange oil on her temples when she first arrived. Did the same before she left, and added Gratitude oil to her heart space at the end.

On Boxing Day, baby was conveniently asleep during a visit to someone I didn't want to see - one of the causes of anxiety during the trip. As a compromise we waved at each other.

I was bracing myself for a flood of pinkwash gifts for baby's first Christmas. And then it ended up only being two items; a hat, and a pack of blocks. The third item never arrived as it got returned under other circumstances.

I received an Arrowroot, energetically a protection medicine, which can be utilised in various magics. I hung it above a window when we got home.

Nothing is ever perfect but, overall, I enjoyed great company, fantastic food, and a relaxing time. Plenty of coffee got me through being awake from disrupted baby sleep.

Day 71 - Simple Pleasures

- Watching baby's bath time, the way she kicks and splashes the water.
- Attempting to follow a YouTube tutorial. Many fails, and many successes too.
- Being an insomniac together, munching on celery and watching the Food channel.

Day 70 - Couple Care Date

H decided one day that as a treat, he wanted to go to Gold Class to see the new Star Wars movie. He had never done Gold Class movies before, and it had been years since I went once. This took quite a bit of organising, including the question of will mother in law be available to babysit. After some doubts about her work hours, it finally came to pass that she was.

Then it was a matter of getting baby used to her grandmother, which would have required a more frequent visitation. This took a bit of back-and-forth to arrange time, but we did it.

I noted my nervousness increasing. I knew baby would not like being separated. She does not fall asleep easily and will not sleep anywhere else but on or beside me. I kept remembering how the last time the babysitter was over it took just half-hour before she was over being with somebody else. I also noted mother-in-law's low self-esteem, and worried she would take it personally that there was nothing she can do to settle baby.

Coupled with anxiety of Christmas, I wasn't feeling too good about the day, at the same time being excited over the first date since birth.

I woke to cramping belly and thought my period had started, as it was due today. After lulling baby back to sleep, I got up after 5am and curled up on the couch for a short while. Strangely turning the tv on broke that state, and further improved by drink and food. By the time baby woke up properly, a little after 8am, I was feeling much more positive about the day to come.

The sleep-in also meant happier baby to be left in care. I also wrote a few 'instructions', which made me feel more confident about leaving her.

The date went well and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves for a few hours.

Apparently, as I predicted, baby wailed until she passed out for 2 hours, and had only just woken up when we arrived home. Mother-in-law had her nap with her, which I was pleased about.

I tried to deflect her saying "good girl" (one of the instructions was to phrase it another way), but as she kept repeating it, I see that this is one area that needs more work on and a constant reminder. It will also be beneficial to have H on board with it. It is a boundary and respect issue.

Overall it was a great day.

Day 69 - Purging

There is something cleansing about purging stuff. As H is finally home to join me on this, he did his part of the shed cleaning. We got through the old boxes that were collapsing in on itself, and there were a lot of rubbish thrown out too, which was a bonus. I'm looking forward to the day when we can empty the shed out completely, when we move to our own place. But in the meantime, we are grateful to have the storage space at all, and to be able to use the preexisting things in the house.

Day 68 - 20/12/2015

Enforcing Boundaries

Basil, Thyme, Anise
Equilibrium ~ Clarity of Mind ~ Fertile Imagination

"I seek equilibrium in my thoughts, actions, and practice. Clear thinking shows me the path. My imagination is the key to my future."

Nature's Healing Oracle

It is also in theme with the Force from Star Wars, which H and I have been watching in preparation to go see Episode 7.

Day 67 - Finally Weekend and Holidays

H came home last night finishing up work for the year. Today was a regular chores kind of day as will tomorrow. And then the holidays can really start, with end of year cleaning of the house, packing for our time away, and finally leaving for a few days over Christmas.

Day 66 - Relaxing

Resting with the baby sort of the day, slowing things down for her. Frustrating for me when I go my own way to do things, and then she makes me stop and be with her or put her consideration in.

Lesson in mindfulness.

Day 65 - Inviting People

With all the releasing I did yesterday, I had made stronger connections with people today.

Thank you all for a listening ear, your company, and shared laughter.

Thank you also for making me feel valued and useful.

Day 64 - Releasing People

Visualisation for releasing people energetically with respect

Imagine a stage. You are sitting in the front seat, in the center where all of the stage is in view. The stage lights up.  

The person you are saying goodbye to walks onto center stage. The spotlight is on them.
Now see a silver cord extending in between you and the person. Send them good intentions, appreciation, good memories, and learnings. If nothing comes to mind, start with thanking them for coming into your life. 

When you are ready, cut the silver cord. This could be by scissors in your hands, or a giant swinging axe from the ceiling. Make it a swift cut. 

Now, allow the person to slowly fade into the bright spotlight. Allow them all the time you need, to finally let go of this person and their energy. 

Lastly, fortify your own energy field with light and any other imagery that usually works for you for repairing and protecting your boundaries.

Over a period of time, you may feel a pull to contact them again, or think of them out of habit, or feel the need to grieve. All of these are normal feelings. "Thank fuck that's over," is okay too.

This visualisation is best used for people you are saying your final farewell to, either for the deceased or alive people you want to let go of. However it also works for loved ones and people you meet regularly, to disengage with them energetically temporarily.

Day 63 - Confidence from the Past

In the On This Day app, it showed a video of me from a few years ago breaking some boards.

It was just the feel-good boost I needed to get through this day of sick baby and tiredness from looking after her.

It was also nice getting a lot of likes messages for it.

Day 62 - Worrying

Worrying got me nowhere.

Baby in pain and I had no clue what was going on.

So I napped with her.

While she was in her deep sleep I got up and did some more writing.

While she was awake, it was a matter of gauging where her mood was at, trying to eliminate possible cause. It's frustrating to not know why, but also, it must be so frustrating for her too not be able to communicate, just cry out.

Day 61 - Rejection (Question Of)

Serephina, Fiona, Isabella

"A happy change or addition is coming your way."
"Now that you've asked the angels for help, be open to receiving Divine guidance and assistance."
"Yes, the timing is right for this new venture. A happy outcome follows your positive expectations."

Truth is very cleansing, it helps you to know your own feelings and priorities on a deeper level. It allows you to share with others in a deeply honest way. Notice the strong and repetitious impressions that come to you through your thoughts, feelings and visions. Even ideal situations require adjustments as you move forward. Take bold steps, while listening to the wise guidance of your heart as you move forward fearlessly.

Day 60 - Happy Words

Along with writing, I am also making a list of 'positive' feeling words. So far I have 202. It is very uplifting to read the list.

I asked what other people's favourite 'positive' feeling words were. Here are the top 5 so far.

Trust/ing
Love/d
Grateful
Appreciate/d
Empowered

Do you have a favourite 'positive' feeling word?

Day 59 - A Productive Day

Today I did the multiple loads of washing to load and unload, got through most of the dishes, and went out for groceries.

On top of this, I wrote 4 manuscripts for a book.

Then I cooked a delicious pork steak for dinner. As I was preparing it I was talking to baby about thanking the pigs for their lives.

And now I'm reporting all the great things that happened today.

I am feeling accomplished and feel good about myself.

Day 58 - Mirror Mirror

As a divergence for grumpy baby, I got a compact mirror out. I brought it up close where I could only see my eyes, and sometimes just one eye.

"I love you."
"Thank you for being in my life."
"It's lovely to know you."
"I am willing to be your friend."

Baby wanted in on the action immediately. She recognises her reflection now, and most of the time enjoys seeing herself. As I pointed the mirror at her, I repeated the statements on her behalf.

"I love you."
"Thank you for being in my life."
"It's lovely to know you."
"I am willing to be your friend."

And also:

"Thank you for becoming my child."

Having a small mirror means I am removing all the extra judgments I may be holding at the time, about my appearance, my accomplishments and failures, my past in general, other people's opinions of me. And anything else that may enter my field of vision that may detract from seeing me. I am only looking at my eyeballs. Sometimes just the one eyeball, and talking to them one at a time.

Day 57 - Do What Makes You Happy

A few things I read and watched today had a theme of 'do what you love.' There has been plenty of reasons (excuses) as to why I don't do the things I love, and plenty of times when my passions were unstoppable.

My work space became decorated today with dinosaurs, gifted yesterday by a friend who's children have outgrown the toys. Behind the laptop is the art supply, ready for use.

What the Angels Want Me To Know About Today spread:

General theme: Astara - "You deserve the best! Reach for the stars with your dreams and desires, and don't compromise."
Possible block: Serephina - "I am the Angel of Families. A happy change or addition is coming to your family."
How to heal the block: Fiona - "Now that you've asked the angel for help, be open to receiving Divine guidance and assistance. You deserve Heaven's help!"
Probable outcome: Oceana - "Take action. You're in touch with your truth in this situation, and you need to trust your gut and lovingly assert yourself."

Take daily small actions towards the big vision. 

From Message from Your Angels Oracle Cards

Day 56 - Receiving

Baby and I received a carload of pre-loved clothes, books, and toys, as a friend was taking it all to the op-shop, and we got first pickings. Baby now has toys enough to keep at her nan's so she doesn't have to keep taking hers all the time. I have dinosaur references to study and play with. We also received a beautiful handmade quilt that was well-loved first as a play-mat and then as bed cover. Very much appreciating the abundance that was generously shared.

Today's card: Devotion - Nature Spirits

Stop isolating yourself and dwelling on your misery, and go outside. Focus on the beauty, power, and holiness that nature affirms.

From Ask Your Guides Oracle Cards

Day 55 - 7/12/2015

It's a great moment when panic is reassured that there are no further damage. I thought I would be penalised further for not paying the parking fine on time, I was upset that the online payment option was not available yesterday, and the question of am I even heading into the right building and office? The customer service person reassured me that it was okay, agreed with me what a frustrating situation it was.

I also made a call to two friends who listened that I wasn't okay but diverted me to catching up and laughing about a few things.

Today's cards were:
Honey & Coffee

The sweetness of life

Honey was believed by ancient cultures to be the food of the gods. As a medicine, honey is an aid to both internal and external healing. On an emotional level, honey can soothe frayed nerves.
"I open my soul to my own natural sweetness."

The stimulation of life

Coffee is not only a drink that stimulates and satisfies but a medicine with powerful healings. Esoterically coffee represents our desire for stimulation.
"Life excites and delights me."

From Nature's Healing Oracle

Day 54 - 6/12/2015

Spider

Trust the creative spark you're feeling, and express it through writing stories that inspire and enlighten

"You may find yourself easily distracted, either with other's needs for your time and attention or with those negative thoughts and beliefs that are the product of judgements and shame that you were subjected to during childhood. A powerful way to release these habitual and self-limiting thoughts and feelings is to write about them in story form. As you do so, don't hold back anything. Through such a catharsis, you heal those words that had originally wounded you."

Messages from your Animal Spirit Guides Oracle Cards

Friends of authors already know this warning.

What you don't know is of whom you meet that are potential future authors.

Spiders are also dreamweavers, they come with the potential of manifesting your desires. Please do try to appreciate them when they come to you.

Day 53 - Honouring Chaos Beginnings

The plan was for me to go out mid-morning with baby, and H to clean the house. It didn't happen as I had a panic attack and went back to bed instead. Baby had her nap as well and we stayed in bed for over 2 hours. She stirred a few times but went back to sleep quickly with and without my assistance. I got out of bed because my phone was running out of charge.

One of the conversations on Facebook offered me some peppermint tea. I took her up on the offer, kind of, and put peppermint oil on my hands and heart space, and made myself green tea. I also opened the Joy bottle to smell.

To shift my state further, I asked H if he would like pie for lunch. He agreed, and I put the pies in the oven to cook for 50 minutes.

Baby was still asleep.

I asked Earth Magic Oracle Cards what this unsettledness, today and all this week, meant.

Dreamtime/Creation, Childhood/Innocence, Dawn/New Beginnings

Immediately I got CHAOS CHAOS and NEW YEARS. Literally, the end of the year, the child's joy of holidays, all the creating I've been doing recently. Also a reminder that we are still at the beginnings of things, even though we've been in it for a while, with marriage, child, and parenthood.

Their messages were:
* Allow yourself to take risks with self-expression
* The wisdom and faith that you accrued from your life experience are the key to recapturing state of innocence.
* It is time to say farewell to the old and honour the new by releasing any self-imposed constraints or resistance to the truth that you know.

Day 52 - Burn Release (Anger)

There is a collective unsettled feeling globally, and a few people have written/spoken about encouraging to release anger, resentment, sorrow etc. I wrote about a brief encounter with something from 20 years ago that resurfaced and did not shift for a week, along with all the other gunk.

I got post-it notes to write what I was angry about. It took several goes to complete it, in between baby needs. I included some of baby's complaints as well.

After lunch I quickly visualised connecting the head space and feet space with a grounding and highest potential mists, and a drop of PanAway at my heart space. I prepared baby's safe space near me but away from the cauldron.

One by one I read out loud what was written on the post-it notes and tapped them. Depending on the context, the beginnings differed such as "Even though I'm 'angry', 'sad,' 'still raging mad' about," and the endings finished with "I completely and truly love myself," "I'm okay," and "I'm whole and complete."

Around 2/3 of the way through I became frustrated that the flame didn't stay on long enough to burn properly, so the notes got read out only once and many matches were used to burn the paper. At the end I finished with "We individually and universally resonate, emanate, and are interconnected with all life in an acquiescent calm; in all moments," and put Joy oil on my wrists.

When it was time for baby's afternoon nap, I started Jen Ward's Release the Anger marathon tapping but I yawned so much in the first couple of sentences and fell asleep not long after. Yawning usually signifies releases, and sleep the integration of the shifts. I will attempt to do them again later.

Day 51 - A Tale of a Violent Little Christian Girl

Something happened when I was 13. I don't remember what brought it up to the surface, but it's been around for a week wanting my attention. I've been waking up with 'angry', about it and other instances. Using eft, calming scents, and gratitude seemed to only mask the core issue.

Having a chat to the feeling about it, the underlying issue came to this:
Not being believed it happened.
Resentment to easily distributed forgiveness.
Unexplained reason.
Being an 'other'.

Analysing the list backwards (because, why not?)

I will always be dealing with being an 'other.' While I have now come to embrace it as part of my identity, it sometimes creeps back out to challenge my self-esteem and sense of belonging. I often counter it with the Cheshire Kitten song.



There are always going to be unexplained actions. All actions by other people are 'unexplained,' and in fact they don't owe me explanations for their existence. Let alone something that happened from over 10 years ago. I sometimes can't explain my own actions. It doesn't make their actions excusable. It helps to realise I've done things that may have been hurtful, intentionally or unintentionally, both with apology and never having the opportunity to apologise.

Resentment of forgiveness, or staying in a very narrow definition of forgiveness as handed out by select special group of individuals. With this particular memory, I seem to be stuck in that time's understanding of forgiveness process instead of bringing my current awareness to it to shift the wrong done.

And now for the story, to be told. Because I believe it happened. Written on the page I can revisit this story any time, and my readers can take away what they feel.

One lunch time, a girl hit me repeatedly with her lunch box. Nobody around me did anything to stop. I was too scared to get up from her assault. I was scared of not being believed this particular person did it. I was scared the teachers would explain away her actions as 'forgiven in Christ', that I deserved it as an unbeliever. I was scared of knocking off this perfect example of a preacher's daughter for her minor violence. I wasn't sure if it counted as violence, since it was a lunch box, as opposed to say, a stick or her hands. I was scared that if I retaliated I would be the one in trouble for being violent to this perfect student. Because nobody around me said anything during or after, I wasn't sure if it actually happened.

Then it was repeated the next day. All the thoughts from previous day repeated again. Later that afternoon at home, I told mum my back hurt from where I've been hit. There was no bruise to show. She didn't have much to say about it, the pain faded the next day, and the whole incident was forgotten about.

With almost daily news of children in supposed care that are not in a caring environment, especially the news of attempted murder at a local school, is one of the reasons why I am feeling cautious about putting myself and baby in a facilitated educational environment.

Day 50 - Grounded Connection to Inspired Ideas

I watched last night's episode of Anne Aleckson TV this morning. This episode (and the bonus audio) shows a technique on how to connect head-in-the-cloud inspirations and roots-to-the-ground stability in the expansiveness of open heart-space.



Anne Aleckson TV Episode 4 

Day 49 - Self-Care List

Flashbacks took me to bizarre memories of un-self-worth from the past, which should have no correlation to where I am now (besides the usual cause-and-effect actions and reactions that brought me to this very point). They were taking me to a very low place.

It took me three goes to find the exact article I was looking for, which added to the frustration. By this time I had a dozing baby in my arm, who would be agitated if I put her down. So the immediate actions to take were the ones I could do one-handed. I was determined to do all of them one by one, when I could.

#1 Drink water
This I could do. I turned over a cup and placed it on the bench. Then I got the water jug and poured water in it. I put the jug down, came back to the cup, and drank.

#2 Eat protein
Thankfully a bag of salted nuts were available at eye height in the pantry. I ate til satisfied, and found it amusing how the salt would have cancelled out the first activity of drinking water.

#3 Shower
Interpreting this to mean "have I showered in the last 24 hours?" I answered 'Yes,' as I did last night.

#4 & #5 Change your clothes
While I couldn't move while nap time, I stopped this typing and changed out of pajamas and put clean clothes on.

#6 Stretch your legs
This also, was done yesterday. But of course it's worth doing again. I flexed my feet and toes as I sat with the baby.

#7 Genuinely compliment somebody
I scrolled Facebook for a post I could comment on. A friend posted a video of her baby walking around the shops so I commented on that.

#8 Dance to music
Music was already on. The first chance I got after baby woke up, changed her and then remembered about this one, was the Longest Time by Billy Joel.

#9 Hug somebody
Boobing a baby to sleep definitely counted as a 'somebody.'

#10 Complete something
I made a short list of things that I had been meaning to but hadn't gotten around yet. I could then see what was the easiest thing. I decided that cooking three packs of meat to freeze was the simplest task to complete.

#11 Take a selfie
I posted an unglamorous photo of my face in a private group. I had not washed my face or done my hair for the morning. A slight headache pulsed when my neck tilted at a certain angle. I forced a smile. But being entertained by trying out different phone positions I was smiling for real within a minute.

#12 Plan the day
See #10. Writing out the list helped me visualise what I was doing for today.

#13 See a therapist
I don't have any booked or gone to one recently. I counted #11's act of posting in the group as a kind of therapy, as I get great vibes and support there (and also where I originally looked for the posted article)

#14 Have a break
Just had come back from a holiday it wasn't applicable. However it was great to remember that yesterday I had disabled the news feed from closed groups which gives me the boundary of reading things posted there in my own space instead of being bombarded with sensitive material all the time.

#15 Change of medication
I had not taken probiotics since the jar ran out. I must get some during the next shop.

#16 Wait a week
This advice goes along the same principle of living by the seasons. Menstruation will continue, though lightly, for a few more days. And then I will have natural motivation instead of pushing myself.

Original list from To Save A Life: http://www.tosavealife.com/for-when-youre-actually-not-okay-a-self-care-printable/ 

Day 48 - Frozen Carrots

I give baby frozen carrots for teething. It was something a friend mentioned she does with her baby. I also read about frozen towels, keeping teething chew toys in the freezer, teething gel from the pharmacy, and homeopathy drops for gum issues. My baby seem to enjoy the carrots the best.

She also enjoys chewing on the teething gel tube. Although she doesn't like the flavour of the gel itself, she has associated the numbness that comes with the tube. She is not dexterous enough to open the lid so I allow her to play with it.

The frozen carrots allows her to regulate the amount she needs herself. Some days it's just one stick, other days it could go up to 4 sticks before she asks for hugs and boobs.

It shows me that this little person is capable of making her own judgement on how much she needs of the carrots, in comparison to H or I making the judgement on her behalf with the amount and frequency of giving her the gel.

Weekend Holiday (Brisbane)

H decided it was in his best interest not to make the effort to go home after his work Christmas party. He booked us a hotel room closest to the venue, which was in the City Hall, and made a short holiday out of it. It was an opportunity for both of us to find things we had not seen or done in a familiar and well-traveled environment.

In the morning to cater for his transport needs, I drove him to the station. As I took the bus in when I left, that solved the parking question.

I actually missed the bus I wanted to catch by a few minutes, so instead of waiting in the sun for the next hour, I returned home and put some extra things in the bag. Even with this opportunity I forgot the hotel itinerary and the bank details, that I only remembered halfway there on the train already. However the concierge and H was fine with it and managed to get into the room before H finished work and then for him to pay when the extra key got picked up by him. It was a relief.

Planning worked out as such that a friend could come by at the same time H arrived walking from work. We all hung out together in the room until it was time for her to leave. She brought a Care Bear for baby's early Christmas present and we all had a good time watching her explore this new thing. H got ready for his function, and I left to find food.

King George Square was packed with people there for the lighting of the Christmas Tree. I was more interested in looking for somewhere I had not eaten at or from, so I made my way through the crowds to Queen Street Mall. It was an especially popular Friday night with long queues for many places, I ended up in a Night Owl ordering a toasted sandwich and a coffee, as "I had never been to that particular one before." I headed back towards the hotel thinking to continue baby's nap time peacefully. That of course did not happen as the carols on the loud speaker woke her up and she did not sleep until just before H came back. In the meantime she played on the bed, sometimes with the new bear, sometimes with the ball of yarn I was crocheting from. I found it hilarious how this little person could take up an entire queen-size bed.

H told me how he left the group after just 1 vodka shot, and also feeling anxious about a presentation that he got roped into for next year. I reassured him that it's not happening until next year so don't worry about it. I also recounted how I used to be very nervous about oral exams and was a poor presenter, until I realised that if I could survive a black belt exam, a short speech on a well-researched topic was not such a big deal in comparison. That I enjoy public speaking now because of that realisation. He finally agreed that his black belt exam was grueling but survived in one piece, He was just glad he could be horizontal now instead of in an hour's time.

The headache from the previous day subdued to background issue for the entire day, which made things run more smoothly than I had imagined and was worried about.

Saturday morning we ended up at the hotel's restaurant for a buffet breakfast. We reminisced our honeymoon trip's breakfasts, how delicious they were, except for that one place with ham-flavoured orange juice. We then strolled the mall before anything opened. Window shopping sans crowd.

I had to return back to the room to get my phone, to contact my friend to confirm our brunch at 10am. It was a great pick as H and I had never been to that cafe before. H was starting to get agitated that she was running late, going by the record that she had not arrived on time for her doula appointments earlier in the year. She is moving to Sydney in the new year so it was nice to catch up with her before her move. We also exchanged Skype details so she could see one of her assisted babies grow up on camera, like my dad does when he calls.

We strolled through Myer center and the aircon next. Baby napped on my back and unlike a backpack the weight is not easy to adjust. H had his turn at the display massage chair in the electronic section, and I watched in envy. I had my turn when he offered to put a coin in for a 5 minute paid one when we sat at one and I took baby off onto the couch where she dosed for a few more minutes before the posture got uncomfortable enough to wake her.

For the rest of the afternoon, after the cleaner had left, and I had a shower and baby had a sponge down on the basin, all three of us napped for 3 solid hours. I forgot to mention to please replace the milk we used up so that was the end of having coffee until we got back home. I also dripped blood all over some of the towels which I felt bad about, and got baby's poo on top of it for a nappy change, which erased my guilt. The bath mat got flipped over instead.

One of the popular places I noted the previous night was a dumpling specialty restaurant that had opened while I had not visited the city. Harajuku Gyoza had an obnoxiously friendly and fun atmosphere. One table ordered sake shots and the wait staff encouraged the whole shop to cheer for them. The meal was delicious, baby munched on edamame husks and the black serviettes (which made it look like she ate nori), and fried Nutella and banana gyoza with ice-cream a memorable desert. The kind of place mum would have hated for being loud and immature, both in decor and volume.

We returned to the room for the last time for the day. H discovered the Sound of Music on TV, from the Lonely Goatherd puppetry scene. It was on for the 50th Anniversary special. Watching the movie while commentating on scenes from places we visited in Saltzberg and the tour, as well as the World War II memorials, gave the story a fresh perspective.

Sunday Morning I woke at 6.30 and H woke from my rustlings. Baby on the other hand took much encouraging to wake up, but it also meant we could pack most of the bags before leaving for breakfast. We decided on a place from around the block. Unfortunately a place that was short-staffed and one of two only places open for trading, we got our meals but we had to leave before our drinks arrived. There was no need to add to our frustration of watching other people that arrived after us get served before us. Then it was just a matter of going back to the room to picking up our luggage, checking out, and heading for the station. For some reason the trains were only running once an hour instead of every half-hour, we had McDonalds orange juice as coffee substitute while we waited. It worked out at the other end though as the bus to get home left just as we got on it.

The timing was also great that about an hour later it rained for a little bit, and then storm came at night. Traveling is better in sunny weather than wet.

I finally got the coffee I wanted at night as we got a new bottle of milk for our groceries.

Day 47 - Expectations Falling Short

Today was full of planning.

It was planned for the Thursday morning parent group, then lunch, then art group, then shopping, then come home.

All of these did happen.

All these I chose to do even though my bleed started this morning,

A day full of socialising, summer heat, and carrying baby for travel (even though only a short walk) and waiting out her nap time.

I came home feeling the consequence of not listening to my body. Even though the plan in my head looked like a very nurturing kind of day.

Day 46 - Diverting from Global Dramas (With Art, of Course)

I went to bed last night with this thought, as it one of the last things to have read.

Tuesday 24 November 2015
"Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves" Thoreau.
Tomorrow's Full Frost Moon in Gemini is a close encounter of the 3rd kind moment. It is broadcasting on multiple radio frequencies, some too etheric to hear, others coming in and our of your awareness like voices from the Tower of Babel. This Moon is speaking in tongues, in visions, in ancient languages you barely remember and in the codes of the far future. With the Sun aligned with Saturn, Mercury, Neptune and Nessus; the Moon with Jupiter and the Node of Fate and Venus on the Uranus/Pluto square, the big question is: what is this entirely new, fluid reality and how can I flow with it, adapt to it and process It?
Some possibilities may be:
Identify your narrow filters, biases and beliefs then make them more porous whilst putting solid ground under your feet allow the flood of rabid polemics, disinformation and orchestrated fear and uncertainty flow round you, not through you re-focus your goals to mirror your deepest values and get serious about the meaning you make of life gather your resources
Grow plants and herbs
Cook
Craft
Repair and mend take time away from 24 hour media propaganda
Smell the roses
Watch a sunset

Quote from Hare in the Moon Astrology

In the morning, from the first post onward, I felt the uneasiness from Facebook.

I diverted myself to dinosaurs instead. And found myself wanting to do coloured pencil on black paper instead. Experimenting with chalk-like lines.

It was fun the last time I did this was in Photoshop for this one:

http://guardienofthepyre.deviantart.com/art/Day-88-Zoea-316662576

Then Facebook stopped working for a while, and disconnected me towards making more things for the afternoon.

Day 45 - Slow Down

Not knowing baby's distress distresses me. The hopelessness of not-knowing. The I-don't-know's of biological technicalities. Unsureness of safety for infant (all the things I use for myself). Google is great for almost-instant answers. Sometimes answers doesn't come quick enough.

But there are always solutions, or at least attempts towards solving it. Recognising that this is the best I can do at the moment.

I found another ant trail entry, which meant I could spray vinegar in two locations and wipe the walls with eucalyptus oil. Coming to acceptance that it will have to do until I can find where the peppermint disappeared to.

I can't fix baby's sweat rash and insect bites, but I can help her cope.

Deciding that today will be a day of caring for us both.

Oddly enough she calmed down, once I calmed down.

I can dance to music with her.

I can read out eft sentences to her.

We can both have a cooling bath later.

It's okay to slow down, not everything is urgent.

Day 44 - Introduction Page (and Appreciation)

Nap times have gotten easier now that I can back-carry baby. Boobing her to sleep has confined me to the couch, although it is sometimes nice to sleep with her. Front carry naps, which is what we do while out, has become increasingly awkward because of her bulk, and limited my movement and the strength to carry larger items (and dropping food crumbs on her head). Back carrying means I can be mobile in many more ways.

During the first nap, once mobile tasks were done, I sat at the laptop to write my introduction. It's more of a backstory than what I said in my first entry.

I tried to condense it and only catch the key points.

I realised that my parents were doing the best they could at that time. There is a quote that goes, "Your time of blaming your parents have expired." I thank them for giving me a fantastic childhood full of great memories and photo opportunities.

I am thankful for the school library for giving me space. It is where I first came across occult literature. I am thankful for my friends during that time. I am thankful for the 'good' education, the kind I can write in my resume alongside my accomplishments.

I am thankful that I kept questioning. I am thankful for all the knowledge and inspiration I've acquired through my studies.

I am thankful for mum's challenges, as growing into her support person (not quite 'carer') has strengthened my character. That I don't have to do things the way she did things, and also I can choose for myself which of her 'things' I want to pass onto my child.

I am thankful that technology has finally caught up with the way I like to communicate (video calling, instant messaging), that it has opened up avenues to have a relationship with dad.

I am thankful for H's contributions, especially that I can be a stay-at-home mum like I had wanted to. That I now have time to reflect all the time and write this blog. That I'm moving towards what I originally left work to do.

I am thankful for the support I am receiving now. Some of these people I met because of a chance meeting, others through introduction, and a few I don't even remember the exact moment of accepting Friend request on Facebook.

I am thankful for this child coming into my life. I am challenged by her challenges and enjoy her enjoyments. Possibly everything every mother has said ever about her child, that doesn't need to be repeated here.

Lastly I am thankful to my readers, that I have received feedback on how much they enjoy reading my posts. Or that they can relate to the latest episode of my dramas. Or that they are inspired by an activity. When I tag people from whom I had been inspired by, they reply with words of encouragement. That people are clicking on the link at all, and I see the statistics rise, which gives me a self-confidence boost.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Day 43 - Cutting Ties

Party Plan parties are a great opportunity to meet driven people passionate about the brand they've become interested in. They have their reasons, product pitches of new lines and old favourites aside, like flexible hours, adult conversations, feelings of independence etc. It's inspiring to meet consultants and hear their stories.

A friend decided to sign up, and also the host saying she intends to in the new year. That's two more driven people in my immediate circle, doing something towards changing their mindset, attitude, and overall well-being. It's another form of self-care.

Later I overheard a conversation about a mutual friend, someone I cut ties with a few years ago. Hearing a segment of their gossip reminded me why I put up the boundaries, and glad to have done it when I did. It was (and they said it too) like watching a tv drama. I suggested putting an image of a tv screen around the message box. One friend said she goes in to nod and smile mode because there is no conversing with this person, it's their way and the only way and everybody else is wrong wrong wrong. I sometimes feel sad that they were in my life for so long, but today's catch-up reminded me that it was over and it is good.

Day 42 - Choices

I had several choices for what activity I will be at this afternoon.

Mother in law's birthday celebration for lunch?

A 3-year-old birthday celebration in the park?

Curl up in my anxiety and not leave the house?

First option promised familiarity. However I also mentioned to her why not have a day out with her son, as they have not had an alone time for a while.

Second option promised a fun day out, meeting new people, and expanding the Japanese network I've been wanting for baby and I.

Third option promised me guaranteed coffee and aircon.

My anxiety settled as I said to myself; I will go to the one that serves mine, baby, and their highest good.

I thought I made a mistake when, even arriving at the park earlier, I didn't see any birthday-party or barbecue-like group arriving. I went for a short walk to see if there was another picnic area. I couldn't find it, so I returned. As I didn't have my phone, I thought returning home would be the best option.

It did, but I didn't make it home either. Further up, near the *other* entrance, were two separate parties.

The first one had organised games with older children. It could not be them.

The second group was smaller, and had a few dark-haired people gathered. I cautiously parked, got out, and inconspicuously tried to catch their conversing. It turned out it was them!

I had a good time, baby had a good time, and I think the rest of the people had a great time too.

Now just waiting for H to come home. He must be having a great time too to be out for so long.

Day 41 - Assigning Values

For the dino sketches to be viable, I need to assign value to them. It requires me to convert everything I put into them into money count. Receiving decided amounts will lead to validating of my self-worth and also my works.

The most straightforward one is: what is my hourly value? I have some idea of what my physical labour industry rates were from the nurseries.

What value do I put on my education, both formal and informal, where I learned art?

What value do I put on the extra work, is research time on par with drawing time, or at a different calculation?

Do the characters have an intrinsic value, not necessarily at a time conversion?

Will the value change again once I move away from pen and pencils to computer graphics?

Do I include cost of materials - paper and pen for now, but perhaps later other mediums?

Question I must ask the client is, are the characters a stand-alone or active in a scene? Background details will increase time spent doing them.

I found these tapping from Jen Ward's Jenuine Healing Sharing Circle to be relevant to the topic:

"I make space in the world for all souls to be loved and validated; in all moments"
"I remove all blockages to all souls being loved and validated; in all moments"
"I stretch the worlds capacity to love and validate all souls; in all moments"
"I make space in the world for ignorance and prejudice to be abolished; in all moments"
"I remove all blockages to ignorance and prejudice being abolished; in all moments"
"I stretch the worlds capacity to abolish ignorance and prejudice; in all moments"
"I make space in the world for all forms of abundance to be as valued as much as money; in all moments"
"I remove all blockages to all forms of abundance being as valued as money; in all moments"
"I stretch the worlds capacity to value all forms of abundance as much as money; in all moments"
"I make space in the world for nature to be loved and cultivated; in all moments"
"I remove all blockages to nature to be loved and cultivated; in all moments"
"I stretch the worlds capacity to love and cultivate Nature; in all moments"
"I make space in the world for ignorance and prejudice to be abolished; in all moments"

Day 40 - Story Time

Sometimes I do EFT with baby. I read the sentences out loud, just like I would a picture book. Or show her where I am tapping.

Sometimes I read articles out loud from the phone or the computer screen. If I do, I try to keep topics on the lighter side, or relevant like child-rearing.

Today we read a few pages of Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life. It's fun to put intonations on quotes like "What we think about ourselves becomes truth for us," "Love is everywhere, and I am loving and lovable," and "We must be willing to begin to learn to love ourselves." It is especially entertaining to read them while gauging her chattering and flailing.

I wonder if I can get some mindfulness picture books in the near future that she can read for herself one day?

Day 39 - Maintaining My Vibration

I went to a networking lunch in the city. Even though I left and arrived very early, driving during tired time puts baby to sleep, which is a blessing knowing some babies don't like cars at all. Also leaving early gave me the peace of mind that I could stop to nurse if we needed to, and still arrive on time.

When people started to arrive, it was evident that this month's meeting was going to be a special one with all but one person being a new comer. With introduction, there was artist (me), several writers, and a publishers. The synchronicity was amazing to participate in. Even if it was not so, I enjoyed being around driven and supportive women.

The reason why I went was because Anne Aleckson had posted that she would be speaking. Her topic of raising and then maintaining your vibration resonated with what I've been doing with this blog. It's one thing to intend to change beliefs and attitudes, but it was individual responsibility to then keep maintaining it.

If you approach and interact with people's pure love, you will be meeting yours and their highest good.

Since the visioning of establishing boundaries, it took violent signs to actually set them up. I had door knocked, neighbour drunk-texting me, and H's overenthusiastic affections that I was becoming fearful of.

I saw that it's very easy to blame all these people for not understanding my needs. That they are the ones not respecting me.

But am I respecting myself? Am I denying my own aggressiveness? Am I unintentionally invading other people's personal space?

There are of course examples of where I am not respecting me. That I have aggressive tendencies sometimes. That I take up space all the time.

That when people annoy me, that they are my mirror on areas I can do with improvement, completely accept that I have those personalities inside me, that I can equalise it through my own learnings.

While I work on my self-love, it feels like this sign on the front door is helping with the physical boundaries of the premise:

Do Not Knock!
It wakes the baby that wakes the mother then becomes cranky and the rest of the family suffers for the entire week.

Day 38 - Flowers

Somewhere along the endless stream of horrors and atrocities filling up my Facebook news feed, I found myself saying 'no more.'

I searched 'Flowers' and found some pages that only do photos of flowers.

I searched 'Plants' and found information on plants, which I had not actively sought for since leaving the nursery last year.

I searched 'Succulents' and found quirky indoor and outdoor decoration ideas.

Some of these pages are currently active, and were worth Liking them.

I hope to break up the world's bleakness by sharing these photos.

And sometimes it's worth revisiting old paths travelled:

Tiergarten, Berlin. Photo by H

Day 37 - Hold On

With news of atrocities, biased opinions, everyone vying for attention on their crisis, I will hold on to this scene. The knowing that it is not futile, that it is not the absolute end.

That maybe the seed of Lorien that people who have been affected carry will find a home ground to grow from.

"I declare myself a surrogate for world peace, in all moments."

Day 36 - Partner List

This morning Kylie Stretton shared an extract from her book, an event from the time when her first child was a toddler:

FINDING KYLIE BOOK EXTRACT PAGES 30-31: 

One hot summer afternoon just after Christmas, we were in the backyard having a barbecue and Kain was splashing around in his toddler pool. I had just found that Happy book I had read three years earlier so I sat beside him and started reading it again from the beginning. Again, it was like a bell went off in my brain, but louder this time and the words jumped off the page: “You become what you hang around.” I looked up at a crowd of twenty of Johnny’s mates standing around swearing their heads off, drinking beer from stubbies and smoking bongs, cooking up snags on the barbie with holey shorts on and no shirts or shoes while music with disgusting lyrics blared from the speakers. Then an image flashed into my mind: I was wearing a long, sparkling red evening gown and my hair and make-up was perfect. I was sitting at an elegant dining table in a beautiful house sipping fine wine at a banquet. I was surprised and had no idea where this image came from. But it was enough to make me stand up, pick up the baby and run inside. I locked us in the bedroom and after I had dried and dressed Kain I sat down with a pen and paper and started writing down everything I wanted my boyfriend to be: 

I want him to hold my hand in public.
I want him to listen to me.
I want him to show me affection (not just when he wants sex).
I want him to be my best friend.
I want us to be a team and care for our child together.
I want him to take us out for dinner.
I want him to accept me for who I am.
I want him to want a life with me and make plans for the future.
I want him to believe in me.
I want to feel beautiful.
I want him to love me.
I want him to treasure our son and me. 

The list went on and on. Later, I showed Johnny and he laughed in my face saying the only guy I’d find who would do those things would be a gay guy. Then he ripped it to pieces and burnt it. I ran to the bedroom and cried for the rest of the night but later I wrote the list out again and hid it so well even I couldn’t find it later! It didn’t matter though; the words were imprinted in my brain. ‪#‎FINDINGKYLIEBOOK‬

I remembered that I showed a similar list to my date one time, after hearing about how this person did it on their first date. That their reaction would be an indication of that date's commitment. Whether the date foresaw a short-term or long-term relationship. And if the date was willing to be those things now. Or that they would run away right then, in which case it wasn't going to last anyway.

The list came about from a relationship section of a few different personal development activities. It came about while I was dating a previous partner. When that relationship ended, I revised the list, and saw that most of it still applied.

But the most important part of these qualities I wanted from him was, that I could not ask someone to do these things for me if I wasn't doing these for myself, That how could I ask him to do these for me without me doing these things for him.

That this list is not a one-off 'job interview' checklist (although works perfectly well for conversation material!), but a lifetime commitment to myself.

Am I kind to myself in public?
Do I listen to what I was saying to myself?
Do I show myself affection?
Am I my best friend?
How committed am I to loving my family?
Do I take me out on meal or coffee dates?
How often do I review future plans?
Do I accept me for who I am?
Do I believe in me?
What do I do to feel beautiful?
Do I love me?

Yes, what a question: "Do I love me?"

*Finding Kylie now out. Purchase it here.

Day 35 - Listen

Mother used to tell me I need to say more, that conversation takes two people. Whenever I had my silent moment during when she wanted an interaction, she would bring out the ping pong analogy. That when one person serves, the other one returns the ball, and the game keeps going.

So desperate for human contact, it never occurred to her that declining a game is also an option.

To play the game, both parties must know the rules.

For the game to continue, all parties must understand the implications of how the rules apply.

For the game to begin, both parties must actually want to be there, or have an understanding why they may not.

If the goal of the game is to keep returning the ball as long as possible, instead of a table tennis tournament where the goal is to trick the other player into making an error, then those conditions must also be understood.

In the case of my mother, because she spoke so much, it didn't occur that I would prefer not to, or to think about what to say, or be overwhelmed by the magnitude of the question that I didn't know how to reply.

My limited Japanese would often result in her giving me language lessons.

Her quick judgement made me cautious of what I disclosed in the first place.

But sometimes she would interrupt my day-dreaming so she could feel like she had company. And get angry because I missed that she was talking to me.

I learned elsewhere that communication, actually, is mostly listening.

That what is returned isn't voices, but a respectable space for the other person.

And if that means sitting in silence for a while to observe the atmosphere, then it is more mindful than shouting at each other wondering why we are not heard after all that effort.

Day 34 - Questions

"However much I work on my internal self, whether that be mindset, gratitude, medication, counselling, coaching... if I don't change my environment and behaviour, the situation will not shift."

- What in my environment can I physically change?
- Who am I allowing into my personal space?
- When can I make time to implement small changes every day?
- What am I allowing in subconsciously and how do I fortify my boundaries?

Day 33 - A Long Drive

A lot had been on my mind concerning the unfolding of this week's events and was itching to get out of the house.

I went to the perinatal wellness group Peach Tree, then browsed around the shops, then went for a lot of driving.

In between, I attempted many words at how to tell H of what he had been doing to me, swinging between total absence and encroachment. Driving and talking to myself seemed to bring up some answers, and I also went to a town I've never been to before. The more driving I did, more was revealed.

The first drive revealed where H may have picked up his behaviour from. Media has a lot to answer for showing men what is and is not acceptable display of affection.

The second drive revealed what to thank the man for, and all the others invading my personal space.

The third drive took me to my mother-in-law's place, and even though the stay was short, it was nice to have a chat and a laugh. I didn't reveal all that was happening as at that point I was still working on unraveling.

The fourth drive's message was to hold a non-judgmental space for him. It also put baby to sleep which was convenient.

Upon returning home, I opened a circle just for us, where I attempted to get to his heart-space. It took a bit of listening and holding before he opened up to his vulnerability, his fears, and the subsequent rejection he may experience.

It required a gentle reminder that I was giving him undivided attention now.

He told me I had been pushing him away at every advances. The more I rejected him, the more entitled his behaviour became. And my explanations got interpreted as more rejection.

Yes I have been, because what he had been giving me is not what I wanted, nor had the energy to reciprocate.

It turned into a 'shortcut' cycle and desire for instant gratification.

I was finally able to communicate that I wanted quality from him, and did he not also want quality?

He expressed his frustration of how things had to change with baby needs coming first. That hours-on-end romancing was not going to happen any time soon. That is something that has to be worked on and, what our new romancing style will look like, will also take time to blossom.

H finally relaxed into the non-judgement and asked for a well-deserved back and neck massage.

Day 32 - Ass

Last night I flipped open a notebook to do some calming writing. Outpouring of recent frustrations resulted in this:

As a joke I shared the image with a thread encouraging to write a love letter to oneself. It had a reply that suggested adding "sexy" would make it a bit more positive. I immediately followed through.

The result made me smile so much I ripped the page out and stuck it on the bathroom mirror.

I also received an apology from one of the triggers for his behaviour. It's a small win.

Day 31 - Sleep

It's been a month of recording my self-care journey. Has things improved? I'm not sure. I had a meltdown this morning after having had enough of touching and mis-matched Love Languages between myself and H. It feels unfair that he can be perky anytime he wants and it especially happens when I'm on limited sleep.

With afternoon naps pushing back my night down-time, still buzzing from too many cookies, and despairing at the world, I went to sleep after 1am and baby woke up at 3am. Which woke H up. It took many visualisations to settle the flashbacks that kept reappearing in different shapes. Finally I used the Sleep Meditation app to fall asleep.

One thing this app is efficient at is to relax the body into deep sleep. It's a shock to the system to be woken up before the full rest cycle finishes.

So squirmy baby on one side and squirmy H on the other side was too much physical contact. Baby fully awake I got up to get a drink.

Instead of staying with the baby, H decided to follow me and try seducing me. On top of this, feeling touched out already wasn't going to get me in the mood. Finally, baby started wailing, to discover that she had fallen off the edge of the bed (which would not have happened if he stayed with her in the first place).

He went back to bed and I settled her, and requiring personal space, I placed her with him and I stayed on the couch. Baby wasn't impressed by this. Her crying, my crying, his plea to be left alone (and go to work) cycled all the way to me having a meltdown. He vowed to not touch me again at one point.

After he left I slept... until I woke up just in time to leave to the library for a day out. And then we slept again almost as soon as we got home.

My mood has improved since, though still feeling tender.

Another long night for sure after all that sleeping.

Day 30 - More Laughing

Today was a yucky day in my head. I even lay in bed doing nothing for a while.

I already know one of my triggers. Folding laundry seem to be a voice aggravator.

I ate a lot of cookies today. That finishing one immediately made me feel low, so logically, I had another, wondering why I wasn't feeling great like I had assumed I would.

"Have a cookie, it'll make you feel better."

No more cookies for me.

Even in my 'mean girl' state baby managed to amuse me. In her moments I would cheer, squeak, and laugh with her.

I laughed as she tipped her food on the floor.

I laughed as she waved and chewed on the clean washing.

I clapped with her. It's been a joy to join in since she discovered this skill 2 weeks ago.

I laughed at her enthusiasm, and my laughing increased it some more.

We had a nap in the afternoon and continued the rest of the folding later. For part two I turned the music on and kept it on well after the task was done.

Day 29 - Time Away

This was the 3rd weekend in a row I left the house without baby. Today's was a hard separation at first, baby in pain wanting lots of cuddles. That she still mainly relies on me for comfort means we are not yet ready to be parted for too long, few hours at most. In this context, putting me first means I have to entirely trust H that he will be ok. Where my trust of him is now has been a complete turn-around from a month ago.

This makes me be efficient at what I can do in this away 'me-time'; which also means cramming in a bit of 'necessities' into this short time frame. I put petrol in the car on the way to the shopping center today, for example.

Once inside the building I'm also aware that I can't browse the entire complex, which makes me be choosy of the shops and isles I dawdle in.

It's like a final relaxation before heading to Coffee Club to sketch a page for the day. This is when I can sit down uninterrupted bar the arrival of the ordered drink. For this I do the inspiration research before I leave home, have the references ready on my phone, and fully commit to the drawing for the day. Spontaneity of creativity, and discipline of research and application of skill, is just slightly displaced.

And I can go home feeling accomplished for the day.

Day 28 - Headache

Headache slowly increased intensity as the hours went by. I woke up with it, still not entirely recovering from yesterday's  interruption. Flashbacks and negative self-talk did their usual things, and I eventually curled up and whimpered in pain and defeat.

Throughout the day, I tried many things:

- Drinking water
- Drinking coffee
- Rescue Remedy
- Massage
- Bath
- Stretching
- Taking magnesium tablets
- Taking painkiller tablets
- Ice pack on my neck
- Attempted nap with baby
- De-armouring visualisation
- EFT
- Sending love and validation to inner 'mean girl'
- St John's Wart tincture

As baby came around to being tired enough for nap attempt #2, I resorted to taking 2nd lot of pain killers. I also applied topically some peppermint essential oil*, on my temples, forehead, back of the neck, and lower back. This time it didn't take long before both of us were asleep.

2 hours later we woke up much rested. Tension subsided from level 8 to 2. I took painkillers round #3, and eft for acceptance.



*Using essential oils with infants is discouraged, please consult an expert if you wish to use it with and for children.

Day 27 - Nap Interrupted

Even though I say I am ok with night time interruption, I take day nap interruptions very seriously.

I didn't realise how seriously until a door-knocker woke baby and my sleep on the couch.

Even though I was upright, it took all their sales pitch and the 'how would you like to pay?' to realise I was being sold to. They did introduce themselves; I don't remember their names, I remembered the company name and their approximate location.

They asked why I wasn't going to purchase. I said I'll think about it. And I thought about it a lot.

I thought about the interrupted nap.

I thought about what I could have said.

I thought about all the previous door-knockers and various impressions they left.

I thought about letting the company know, and typed out a 'feedback' message. I hoped they do read Facebook messages.

I looked at the clock, counting down until H arrived home.

Baby fell asleep finally after 5, and woke up after 5.30.

I thought about how angry, irritated, and disgruntled I was feeling.

I thought about ways on how I could possibly shift this.

Half-hearted attempts never work long-term.

I laughed at this harder than I should have.

Maybe sleep will make me feel better in the morning.

Day 26 - From Downer to Laughter

Today I was in stress mindset as I reacted with short temper at other drivers around me.

It came back to me within the hour of expressing this frustration in the shape of a parking ticket.

While I had a platform to express this new drama, waiting all afternoon for H to come home and regurgitate was a very long time. I needed a complete state change.

Even though I didn't feel like it, laughing was going to be it. To get the mood going, I searched Laughter Yoga on You Tube, and watched and did some of the exercises with the baby. Even Miss Serious cracked up laughing occasionally as I laughed and gestured and grinned at each other.

Then I found this video, that introduced their name and a diagnosis.



So in this spirit, I encourage you to read this out loud and replace my name and stuff with yours:

"My name is Mariko"
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
"And I got a parking fine!"
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Very good! Very good! Yay!

Day 25 - Minor Disappointment

Having computer graphic's equipment would definitely boost my confidence and the desire to work. As planned on Monday, I ventured to purchase one. As part of this special trip, I organised to visit multiple places that I had been putting off,

I got to Aldi and searched high and low, and in-between the shelves. I read through all the labeled prices, and it did not exist! I concurred defeat and went on with the rest of the tasks. I realised that leaving the store empty-handed did not make things worse; just missed the mark on expectation.

The rest of the day went smoothly. Once I finished with the loading and unloading the baby in all the locations, we headed to the shopping center and enjoyed the aircon. She had her first nap, and when she woke up, I treated myself to a mocha frappachino and we snuggled on the couch, before heading home.

Day 24 - Teen Menarche Rituals

"You are a spiritual teacher: You have the ability to counsel others and help them awaken their spiritual gifts and Divine life mission."

It brings to mind today's conversation with mothers with older daughters; one had her first bleed recently and the other is yet to. It featured the observing of teen embarrassment and the steep learning curve. Much was said about the mother's awkwardness and lack of information to pass on, as it had been a lifetime ago for them when they first bled, and also having grown up in the era where parent input was minimal.

Even though I have yet to experience this part of parenthood, they sought for my advice in regards to teen celebrations.

Just off the top of my head, some gift ideas I've heard from people:

- Flowers
- Jewelry
- Cycle diary
- Special meals
- Hand-made something (I am making a blanket)
- Mother-daughter workshops/retreats
- Heat packs/hot water bottle
- Pads/Tampons/Cup

Of course, it is much encouraged to have ongoing body-positive conversations with your children from their first questions. Let them know when you are menstruating, and discuss products in commercials and the shopping center isles. Remove the layers of shame one by one.

For more information on teens and menstruation, check out A Mighty Girl's list of recommended readings.

Day 23 - Decision

"If you don't make a decision, that's the same thing as deciding that everything shall remain the same."

Receiving a message last night that the person does want to proceed with working with my art definitely concreted my intention to 'draw more,' and 'get to know dinosaurs'.

I also have been made aware that a small tablet is available for purchase at Aldi on Wednesday, that would be an excellent addition to start creating finished images digitally.

Day 22 - Make Colours Not War

This morning's adventuring took me to browsing the local mall, one of which was a bookshop. I did my usual rounds of the Arts, Animals, Religion, Humour, Self-care, Parenting. As a means of self-preservation, I turned all the titles indicating sleep training to face the back before I went into rage.

It seems that becoming a parent has made me appreciate quality of sleep over counting hours.

On the way out I took note of the colouring in books. It has become a very popular activity over this year. So vast is their selection they have an entire section dedicated to the publications. They had the 'specialty shelf' of the new publications, in front of the standard shelf. Down the bottom of the section over were some more books that didn't fit.

Colouring in books were invading the Military section.

I smiled that 'mindful colouring' were overtaking war history and weaponry reference.

Perhaps that is the way to world peace, if we all invested more in mindfully adding colour to our lives instead of hurting each other.

Day 21 - Call to Establish Boundaries

Last night's guided meditation had two distinct stories. Part one was bringing awareness to energies held in the body; tensions, shadows, blockages in the muscles and organs, paying special attention to all the parts. Part two was a stroll through the forest and greeting a tree.

Baby played all through the body awareness segment and settled down in the forest segment, and was deeply asleep by the time we were invited to come back to the room. She stayed asleep right up until pack-up time when the noises woke her up.

I missed most of what was said during the first half as the narrative was drowned by the squealing and the chattering. Her exuberant vibrations blocked out where my body was at. In another words, her needs completely took over my own, however trivial. It was only after she calmed down was I able to concentrate on me.

Which is of course what happens. Baby sleeps on me and I don't go to the toilet until she wakes up. The kettle gets boiled numerous times because she needs immediate feed. I'm just starting to allow space for minor upsets in favour of my needs. My needs were especially not honoured when H was rejecting baby and I in favour of his need for solitude, of which is now rectified.

While it is not a necessity just yet during this infant dependency stage, I have been made aware that establishing boundaries between my child and I will be a crucial exercise later.

Day 20 - Releasing "Not Belonging"

If someone asked for a technique, it's a round-about way of reminding me to do them as well.

I made some time this afternoon to do these tapping, written by Jen Ward of Jenuine Healing. It has been a while since I had done one of her marathon tapping. Statements are said out loud 4 times; 3 while tapping the top of the head and once on the heart. It's a supercharged version of EFT.

"I release the trauma of being grounded on Earth; in all moments."
"I release resenting Earth; in all moments."
"I release feeling like an alien on Earth; in all moments."
"I release the belief that I don't belong on Earth; in all moments."
"I release the trauma of being abandoned on Earth; in all moments."
"I release rejecting Earth; in all moments."
"I release waiting to be saved; in all moments."
"I release hating my Earth body; in all moments."
"I release rejecting my Earth body; in all moments."
"I release the trauma of losing my tail; in all moments."
"I release mourning my tail; in all moments."
"I release having trouble balancing without my tail; in all moments."
"I release feeling like a stranger to humans; in all moments."
"I release the inability to interact with humans; in all moments."
"I release feeling suffocated in this human body; in all moments."
"I release the trauma of losing my wings; in all moments."
"I release grounding myself; in all moments."
"I declare myself a surrogate for humanity in doing these taps; in all moments."
"I release the belief that I am limited to the human body; in all moments."
"I release negating all but the physical interaction; in all moments."
"I release rejecting the reality of my imagination; in all moments."
"I release being locked down in the physical body; in all moments."
"I release rejecting my intangible self; in all moments."
"I release vacillating between vulnerability and superiority in the physical body; in all moments."
"I release denying my true self; in all moments."
"I release the primal need to conquer; in all moments."
"I release the belief that humans are superior to other species; in all moments."
"I release using superiority as a form of denial; in all moments."
"I release the fear of my own vulnerability; in all moments."
"I remove all the self-induced prophecy of the negative force; in all moments."
"I release feeling vulnerable in energy to a negative force; in all moments."
"I release manifesting a negative force; in all moments."
"I withdraw all my energy from anything negative that I have created; in all moments."
"I collapse and dissolve all negative creations that I have created; in all moments."
"I withdraw all my energy from all others' negative creations that I have supported; in all moments."
"I collapse and dissolve the wing that I have supported in all others' negative creations; in all moments."
"I remove all vivaxes between myself and the human body; in all moments."
"I remove all vivaxes between myself and physical existence; in all moments."
"I release being led around by the nose by physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all tentacles between myself and physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove the claws of physical existence from my beingness; in all moments."
"I release being enslaved to physical existence; in all moments."
"I release being diminished by physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all programming and conditioning that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I remove all engrams that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I send all energy matrices into the light that trap me in physical existence; in all moments."
"I send all energy matrices into the light that prevent me from seeing my omniscience; in all moments."
"I send all energy matrices into the light that prevent me from knowing my omnipotence; in all moments."
"I send all energy matrices into the light that prevent my from being omnipresent; in all moments."
"I recant all vows and agreements between myself and physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all curses between myself and physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all blessings between myself and physical existence, in all moments."
"I sever all strings and cords and wires between myself and physical existence; in all moments."
"I dissolve all karmic ties between myself and physical existence; in all moments."
"I withdraw all my energy from physical existence; in all moments."
"I strip all illusion off of physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all masks, walls, and armor from physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all the pain, burden, and limitations that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I remove all the pain, burden, and limitations that I have put on all others due to physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all the fear, futility, helplessness, and unworthiness that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I remove all the fear, futility, helplessness, and unworthiness that I have put on all others due to physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove the illusion of separateness that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I remove the illusion of separateness that I have put on all others due to physical existence; in all moments."
"I take back all the joy, love, abundance, freedom, health, and wholeness that physical existence has taken from me; in all moments."
"I give back to all others' all the joy, love, abundance, freedom, health, and wholeness that I have taken from them due to physical existence; in all moments."
"I release resonating with physical existence, in all moments."
"I release emanating with physical existence; in all moments."
"I strip off all illusion that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I strip off all illusion that I have put on all others due to physical existence; in all moments."
"I remove all the masks, walls, and armor that physical existence has put on me; in all moments."
"I remove all masks, walls, and armor that I have put on all others due to physical existence; in all moments."
"I extract all of physical existence from my sound frequency; in all moments."
"I extract all of physical existence from my light emanation; in all moments."
"I shift my paradigm from physical existence to joy, love, abundance, freedom, empowerment, and wholeness; in all moments."
"I shift humanity's paradigm from physical existence to joy, love, abundance, freedom, empowerment, and wholeness; in all moments."
"I transcend physical existence, in all moments."
"Humanity transcends physical existence; in all moments."
"I am centered and empowered in joy, love, abundance, freedom, health, and wholeness; in all moments."
"Humanity is centered and empowered in joy, love, abundance, freedom, health, and wholeness; in all moments."
"I resonate and emanate joy, love, abundance, freedom, health, and wholeness within myself and to all others; in all moments."
"Humanity resonates, emanates, and is interconnected in joy, love, abundance, freedom, health, and wholeness; in all moments."

Day 19 - A Legendary Mystical Creature

On Monday I listened in on a conversation about people remembering being experimented on in their past lives. Even though they said it's ok because they got over it, I was upset that such cruelty continue in this existence.

Along with researching animals of the past for the sketches, as well as the usual triggering articles, took me to despairing this current reality.

Please, take me off this shit planet. Somewhere away from horrible humans.

It's been years since I have felt this way, having made the effort to make myself at home.

It's comforting to hear I'm not the only one feeling this way. That they have their own way of coping at times like these.

This came through Facebook this afternoon.

It made me realise that I don't have to leave to experience what I want, because I have my sparkle with me all the time.


Image courtesy of Thug Unicorn

Day 18 - Full Moon Thunder

Thunderstorms always charges me. With the recent wild weather, yesterday afternoon was the first chance I had to stand in the rain, watch the lightening, and soak up the lively vibrations.

Primal roar calling, nitrate-attaching.

Also aware that beyond the wild weather was the full moon rising; realisation of the potentials, bringing forth the creations.

Staying in the cold rain as long as I could stand, followed by a hot shower to wash it all off; shaking off the last little bit that does not serve me, welcoming all that does.

I did not sleep that night.

Awake, content, anticipating...

What else will my sparkle attract towards me?

Day 17 - Getting to Know Dinosaurs

One of the unhelpful suggestions H had after an episode few months ago, was for me to start a project. The Logical Brain of course agreed. The Emotional Brain rejected the premise and was asking to be hugged and to be listened to instead. Low Self-Esteem said why bother, nothing I do was good enough anyway. Inspiration had nothing to add in that moment. Uterus was waiting to shed its lining before immersing itself in blanket-making, and not a moment before.

Guides were saying wait, rest, let go.

I was introduced to someone yesterday that is in search for dinosaur images. I offered.

At the rate I have been drawing today, I may have a few show-able designs by the weekend.

It's been a quiet whisper from the long-ago animals this year. A pack of dinosaur bath toys arrived for the baby along with all her other gifts. Power Rangers' first season has dinosaurs as power totems. And then while cleaning the shed I discovered a Tasmanian tiger and a glyptodon among the box of stuffed toys.

Time will tell if these sketches become part of a larger project, or add-up to more whispering from the past and take me in another direction.

Day 16 - It's a Monday Thing

Early morning. Baby squirms and attaches to me. I unlatch her after a few minutes. She resumes her squirming. She attaches, I unlatch. Attach, unlatch. Please, no more, I say in my mind.

I get taken back to when I'm saying 'no' to the doctor. My mind says no no no, my body tenses, anger starts to simmer away.

The gooey sensation from accumulated overnight bleeding adds to the atmosphere of discomfort.

This time, I climb off the bed. Baby squirms again bit but drifts off to sleep just as quickly.

I pace around the house, sit on the couch, look at my phone. Baby peeps just once. I walk out the front door into the fresh morning air instead of rushing to the bedroom. The sun is yet to rise over the neighbour's roof across the road but already bright enough to see all the scenery. It has been many years since I took that scene in. Birds chirping and singing away noisily. I hear cars in the distance, people starting their early morning commutes. Monday. It is already too bright to stare at the clouds in the horizon, that is, above the roofs.

I breathe in the damp dew scent that won't be around for much longer.

I realise that this time, because I was not vocalising my 'no', I got taken back to the last time I did not vocalise my 'no.' I gave a verbal consent for the catheter when my intentions had all along been to refuse it. It was the same emotions of wanting baby to stop with the sleepy comfort suck, the quiet of the early morning family bed, the monkey-mind going where it will.

I identified my strongest no.

What am I saying yes to?

Of course there's plenty I say yes to, once I re-framed the question!

Now, what to do when the cause of PTSD is the person one spends the most time with...?

Day 15 - Menarche Rituals

My bleed returned 6 month after birthing. Although surprised that it came back so soon, I was also missing performing some rituals during the time. By the time menarchy restarted, I had began to accumulate some ideas about how to honour this girl-child's growth into womanhood.

I have no recollection of my first bleed, nor a diary record. Mum bought me pads, lamented how underwear with extra lining were not available for purchase, and got cross at me often for leaving the used liners in the bathroom. Menstruation, aside from during the occasional sex education, was only ever mentioned when skipping swimming lessons, as a lie or as a truth.

I only became interested in it in 2010 during Womanhood run by the Women's Wellbeing Association, after years of bleeding unconsciously. Now living the 4 seasons is an important aspect of loving my own body.

When my bleed returned, I began crocheting and knitting. If I can do at least one square each bleed, I will have enough for a blanket by the time baby has her first bleed. I have yet to decide whether it will be a complete blanket or a stash of squares I gift her. It's almost a decade away before I need to decide.

For now, making little squares has become part of an important care ritual to add to the bath soaks, using cloth pads, giving the blood to the earth, and plenty of resting.

I declined on the invite to attend WWA's annual Gathering this weekend. While the Period Tracker app informed me that I was due end of next week, in time for the monthly circle meetings, it feels very appropriate that this cycle's started yesterday. My body has yet to reestablish its rhythm.

Day 14 - Relationship Assessment Meeting

Once in a while I would wish H and I had a scheduled connecting time. An occurrence would happen, as with any relationships, that required much discussions and resolving. Following the event I would suggest having something more frequently, and he replied that he preferred things to happen more spontaneously. Weekly coffee dates/lunch and grocery shopping, in hindsight, had taken its place as a scheduled spontaneous connecting time. 

It became less frequent while I had a weekend employment, and even rarer after baby's arrival. Private time together were non-existant while my support people were around, and by the time that dust had settled watching tv at night during dinner had become a new daily routine.

As we both have introverted personalities that require lots of personal space. However, his gaming started to get to me when, by the time I had waited for him to finish a round, it had been hours and he was ready for bed. He got increasingly narky about my requests while he was playing. He would sit baby at his lap and get angry at her for 'not sitting still' and move her away while I had asked him to look after her. As her awareness became clearer she would look over at him, staring into the screen. As I held her beside him, she would reach out to his headphones. It would take loud prompting to get any attention at all.

Sunday prior to the big blow-up, I walked out, leaving baby on the desk. For months, my request for hugs were denied as he pointed out I was already getting a hug from the baby as I fed her. He would offer to make tea as hug replacement, and many cups were drunk . My stress-levels were rising as every time I looked up I could see him gazing into the screen. For me to initiate a conversation I would gauge if he was in the middle of a battle or travelling, as I am aware of how distracting it is to have someone talk to me while I'm in the middle of a quest.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Relaxing. It's the weekend."

Where's my relaxing weekend!?

After much reflections and discussions, changes that were implemented seem to have gone well during the week. We were much more kind and loving towards each other, and to the baby. I wanted to make sure things were as good as it looked.

I announced our first Relationship Assessment Meeting. It was to be a safe space for everyone involved to share what was on their mind, especially appreciations and disappointments. While for now it is only H and I, the forum will eventually allow baby's voice and contribution too.

This session included how we were coping with the changes, and for some immediate things to action in the near future, before the next review. 

While I am considering to add more questions, I started with these:

- What 1 thing do you commit to for your own happiness?

- What 1 thing do you commit to for other's happiness?

- What 1 thing would you like me to do for you during the week?

While I would like it to become more of a ceremonial event, I believe the business meeting-like structure worked well for our first time around.