Day 73 - Year in Review 2015

I looked around with my positive lenses, and there were plenty to appreciate and reflect back in joy.

Happy New Year to me!

Day 72 - Bleeding Day

Sometimes a state change happens because of external circumstances. In last night's case, it was a call from a cousin looking for a bed, as her planned accommodation didn't work out. It got me out of my slump, and she was a brief but great company as she settled for the night and before she left in the morning.

However the bleed flow remained just as fierce, with still no appetite and dizzy spells.

H tried to look after me and baby as he noticed. I eventually retreated to bed to crochet horizontally, and finished another square.

Meanwhile baby teeth issues and short temper continued. Tried the numbing gel applications, frozen carrots, cold chamomile tea, lots of cuddling a try, to see which one she was in the mood for at the time.

I also was able to finally connect with dad on Skype; numerous times, as if to catch up with the missed conversations while we were away and he was sick.

Weekend Holiday (Christmas)

Our Christmas routine had settled into visiting both mine and H's family in Warwick, because they coincidentally live in the same town.

I was challenged a few times with baby's crying. Her disrupted routine, extended sitting strapped down in the seat belt, and limited contact upset her enough to continue screaming instead of falling asleep. It took several goes of this to finally find a rhythm to get her to sleep before driving a distance.

On Christmas day I had an emergency session with my mother-in-law for her stresses. I used Rescue Remedy as a mouth spray, Christmas Calm as an entire body spray, and Wild Orange oil on her temples when she first arrived. Did the same before she left, and added Gratitude oil to her heart space at the end.

On Boxing Day, baby was conveniently asleep during a visit to someone I didn't want to see - one of the causes of anxiety during the trip. As a compromise we waved at each other.

I was bracing myself for a flood of pinkwash gifts for baby's first Christmas. And then it ended up only being two items; a hat, and a pack of blocks. The third item never arrived as it got returned under other circumstances.

I received an Arrowroot, energetically a protection medicine, which can be utilised in various magics. I hung it above a window when we got home.

Nothing is ever perfect but, overall, I enjoyed great company, fantastic food, and a relaxing time. Plenty of coffee got me through being awake from disrupted baby sleep.

Day 71 - Simple Pleasures

- Watching baby's bath time, the way she kicks and splashes the water.
- Attempting to follow a YouTube tutorial. Many fails, and many successes too.
- Being an insomniac together, munching on celery and watching the Food channel.

Day 70 - Couple Care Date

H decided one day that as a treat, he wanted to go to Gold Class to see the new Star Wars movie. He had never done Gold Class movies before, and it had been years since I went once. This took quite a bit of organising, including the question of will mother in law be available to babysit. After some doubts about her work hours, it finally came to pass that she was.

Then it was a matter of getting baby used to her grandmother, which would have required a more frequent visitation. This took a bit of back-and-forth to arrange time, but we did it.

I noted my nervousness increasing. I knew baby would not like being separated. She does not fall asleep easily and will not sleep anywhere else but on or beside me. I kept remembering how the last time the babysitter was over it took just half-hour before she was over being with somebody else. I also noted mother-in-law's low self-esteem, and worried she would take it personally that there was nothing she can do to settle baby.

Coupled with anxiety of Christmas, I wasn't feeling too good about the day, at the same time being excited over the first date since birth.

I woke to cramping belly and thought my period had started, as it was due today. After lulling baby back to sleep, I got up after 5am and curled up on the couch for a short while. Strangely turning the tv on broke that state, and further improved by drink and food. By the time baby woke up properly, a little after 8am, I was feeling much more positive about the day to come.

The sleep-in also meant happier baby to be left in care. I also wrote a few 'instructions', which made me feel more confident about leaving her.

The date went well and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves for a few hours.

Apparently, as I predicted, baby wailed until she passed out for 2 hours, and had only just woken up when we arrived home. Mother-in-law had her nap with her, which I was pleased about.

I tried to deflect her saying "good girl" (one of the instructions was to phrase it another way), but as she kept repeating it, I see that this is one area that needs more work on and a constant reminder. It will also be beneficial to have H on board with it. It is a boundary and respect issue.

Overall it was a great day.

Day 69 - Purging

There is something cleansing about purging stuff. As H is finally home to join me on this, he did his part of the shed cleaning. We got through the old boxes that were collapsing in on itself, and there were a lot of rubbish thrown out too, which was a bonus. I'm looking forward to the day when we can empty the shed out completely, when we move to our own place. But in the meantime, we are grateful to have the storage space at all, and to be able to use the preexisting things in the house.

Day 68 - 20/12/2015

Enforcing Boundaries

Basil, Thyme, Anise
Equilibrium ~ Clarity of Mind ~ Fertile Imagination

"I seek equilibrium in my thoughts, actions, and practice. Clear thinking shows me the path. My imagination is the key to my future."

Nature's Healing Oracle

It is also in theme with the Force from Star Wars, which H and I have been watching in preparation to go see Episode 7.

Day 67 - Finally Weekend and Holidays

H came home last night finishing up work for the year. Today was a regular chores kind of day as will tomorrow. And then the holidays can really start, with end of year cleaning of the house, packing for our time away, and finally leaving for a few days over Christmas.

Day 66 - Relaxing

Resting with the baby sort of the day, slowing things down for her. Frustrating for me when I go my own way to do things, and then she makes me stop and be with her or put her consideration in.

Lesson in mindfulness.

Day 65 - Inviting People

With all the releasing I did yesterday, I had made stronger connections with people today.

Thank you all for a listening ear, your company, and shared laughter.

Thank you also for making me feel valued and useful.

Day 64 - Releasing People

Visualisation for releasing people energetically with respect

Imagine a stage. You are sitting in the front seat, in the center where all of the stage is in view. The stage lights up.  

The person you are saying goodbye to walks onto center stage. The spotlight is on them.
Now see a silver cord extending in between you and the person. Send them good intentions, appreciation, good memories, and learnings. If nothing comes to mind, start with thanking them for coming into your life. 

When you are ready, cut the silver cord. This could be by scissors in your hands, or a giant swinging axe from the ceiling. Make it a swift cut. 

Now, allow the person to slowly fade into the bright spotlight. Allow them all the time you need, to finally let go of this person and their energy. 

Lastly, fortify your own energy field with light and any other imagery that usually works for you for repairing and protecting your boundaries.

Over a period of time, you may feel a pull to contact them again, or think of them out of habit, or feel the need to grieve. All of these are normal feelings. "Thank fuck that's over," is okay too.

This visualisation is best used for people you are saying your final farewell to, either for the deceased or alive people you want to let go of. However it also works for loved ones and people you meet regularly, to disengage with them energetically temporarily.

Day 63 - Confidence from the Past

In the On This Day app, it showed a video of me from a few years ago breaking some boards.

It was just the feel-good boost I needed to get through this day of sick baby and tiredness from looking after her.

It was also nice getting a lot of likes messages for it.

Day 62 - Worrying

Worrying got me nowhere.

Baby in pain and I had no clue what was going on.

So I napped with her.

While she was in her deep sleep I got up and did some more writing.

While she was awake, it was a matter of gauging where her mood was at, trying to eliminate possible cause. It's frustrating to not know why, but also, it must be so frustrating for her too not be able to communicate, just cry out.

Day 61 - Rejection (Question Of)

Serephina, Fiona, Isabella

"A happy change or addition is coming your way."
"Now that you've asked the angels for help, be open to receiving Divine guidance and assistance."
"Yes, the timing is right for this new venture. A happy outcome follows your positive expectations."

Truth is very cleansing, it helps you to know your own feelings and priorities on a deeper level. It allows you to share with others in a deeply honest way. Notice the strong and repetitious impressions that come to you through your thoughts, feelings and visions. Even ideal situations require adjustments as you move forward. Take bold steps, while listening to the wise guidance of your heart as you move forward fearlessly.

Day 60 - Happy Words

Along with writing, I am also making a list of 'positive' feeling words. So far I have 202. It is very uplifting to read the list.

I asked what other people's favourite 'positive' feeling words were. Here are the top 5 so far.

Trust/ing
Love/d
Grateful
Appreciate/d
Empowered

Do you have a favourite 'positive' feeling word?

Day 59 - A Productive Day

Today I did the multiple loads of washing to load and unload, got through most of the dishes, and went out for groceries.

On top of this, I wrote 4 manuscripts for a book.

Then I cooked a delicious pork steak for dinner. As I was preparing it I was talking to baby about thanking the pigs for their lives.

And now I'm reporting all the great things that happened today.

I am feeling accomplished and feel good about myself.

Day 58 - Mirror Mirror

As a divergence for grumpy baby, I got a compact mirror out. I brought it up close where I could only see my eyes, and sometimes just one eye.

"I love you."
"Thank you for being in my life."
"It's lovely to know you."
"I am willing to be your friend."

Baby wanted in on the action immediately. She recognises her reflection now, and most of the time enjoys seeing herself. As I pointed the mirror at her, I repeated the statements on her behalf.

"I love you."
"Thank you for being in my life."
"It's lovely to know you."
"I am willing to be your friend."

And also:

"Thank you for becoming my child."

Having a small mirror means I am removing all the extra judgments I may be holding at the time, about my appearance, my accomplishments and failures, my past in general, other people's opinions of me. And anything else that may enter my field of vision that may detract from seeing me. I am only looking at my eyeballs. Sometimes just the one eyeball, and talking to them one at a time.

Day 57 - Do What Makes You Happy

A few things I read and watched today had a theme of 'do what you love.' There has been plenty of reasons (excuses) as to why I don't do the things I love, and plenty of times when my passions were unstoppable.

My work space became decorated today with dinosaurs, gifted yesterday by a friend who's children have outgrown the toys. Behind the laptop is the art supply, ready for use.

What the Angels Want Me To Know About Today spread:

General theme: Astara - "You deserve the best! Reach for the stars with your dreams and desires, and don't compromise."
Possible block: Serephina - "I am the Angel of Families. A happy change or addition is coming to your family."
How to heal the block: Fiona - "Now that you've asked the angel for help, be open to receiving Divine guidance and assistance. You deserve Heaven's help!"
Probable outcome: Oceana - "Take action. You're in touch with your truth in this situation, and you need to trust your gut and lovingly assert yourself."

Take daily small actions towards the big vision. 

From Message from Your Angels Oracle Cards

Day 56 - Receiving

Baby and I received a carload of pre-loved clothes, books, and toys, as a friend was taking it all to the op-shop, and we got first pickings. Baby now has toys enough to keep at her nan's so she doesn't have to keep taking hers all the time. I have dinosaur references to study and play with. We also received a beautiful handmade quilt that was well-loved first as a play-mat and then as bed cover. Very much appreciating the abundance that was generously shared.

Today's card: Devotion - Nature Spirits

Stop isolating yourself and dwelling on your misery, and go outside. Focus on the beauty, power, and holiness that nature affirms.

From Ask Your Guides Oracle Cards

Day 55 - 7/12/2015

It's a great moment when panic is reassured that there are no further damage. I thought I would be penalised further for not paying the parking fine on time, I was upset that the online payment option was not available yesterday, and the question of am I even heading into the right building and office? The customer service person reassured me that it was okay, agreed with me what a frustrating situation it was.

I also made a call to two friends who listened that I wasn't okay but diverted me to catching up and laughing about a few things.

Today's cards were:
Honey & Coffee

The sweetness of life

Honey was believed by ancient cultures to be the food of the gods. As a medicine, honey is an aid to both internal and external healing. On an emotional level, honey can soothe frayed nerves.
"I open my soul to my own natural sweetness."

The stimulation of life

Coffee is not only a drink that stimulates and satisfies but a medicine with powerful healings. Esoterically coffee represents our desire for stimulation.
"Life excites and delights me."

From Nature's Healing Oracle

Day 54 - 6/12/2015

Spider

Trust the creative spark you're feeling, and express it through writing stories that inspire and enlighten

"You may find yourself easily distracted, either with other's needs for your time and attention or with those negative thoughts and beliefs that are the product of judgements and shame that you were subjected to during childhood. A powerful way to release these habitual and self-limiting thoughts and feelings is to write about them in story form. As you do so, don't hold back anything. Through such a catharsis, you heal those words that had originally wounded you."

Messages from your Animal Spirit Guides Oracle Cards

Friends of authors already know this warning.

What you don't know is of whom you meet that are potential future authors.

Spiders are also dreamweavers, they come with the potential of manifesting your desires. Please do try to appreciate them when they come to you.

Day 53 - Honouring Chaos Beginnings

The plan was for me to go out mid-morning with baby, and H to clean the house. It didn't happen as I had a panic attack and went back to bed instead. Baby had her nap as well and we stayed in bed for over 2 hours. She stirred a few times but went back to sleep quickly with and without my assistance. I got out of bed because my phone was running out of charge.

One of the conversations on Facebook offered me some peppermint tea. I took her up on the offer, kind of, and put peppermint oil on my hands and heart space, and made myself green tea. I also opened the Joy bottle to smell.

To shift my state further, I asked H if he would like pie for lunch. He agreed, and I put the pies in the oven to cook for 50 minutes.

Baby was still asleep.

I asked Earth Magic Oracle Cards what this unsettledness, today and all this week, meant.

Dreamtime/Creation, Childhood/Innocence, Dawn/New Beginnings

Immediately I got CHAOS CHAOS and NEW YEARS. Literally, the end of the year, the child's joy of holidays, all the creating I've been doing recently. Also a reminder that we are still at the beginnings of things, even though we've been in it for a while, with marriage, child, and parenthood.

Their messages were:
* Allow yourself to take risks with self-expression
* The wisdom and faith that you accrued from your life experience are the key to recapturing state of innocence.
* It is time to say farewell to the old and honour the new by releasing any self-imposed constraints or resistance to the truth that you know.

Day 52 - Burn Release (Anger)

There is a collective unsettled feeling globally, and a few people have written/spoken about encouraging to release anger, resentment, sorrow etc. I wrote about a brief encounter with something from 20 years ago that resurfaced and did not shift for a week, along with all the other gunk.

I got post-it notes to write what I was angry about. It took several goes to complete it, in between baby needs. I included some of baby's complaints as well.

After lunch I quickly visualised connecting the head space and feet space with a grounding and highest potential mists, and a drop of PanAway at my heart space. I prepared baby's safe space near me but away from the cauldron.

One by one I read out loud what was written on the post-it notes and tapped them. Depending on the context, the beginnings differed such as "Even though I'm 'angry', 'sad,' 'still raging mad' about," and the endings finished with "I completely and truly love myself," "I'm okay," and "I'm whole and complete."

Around 2/3 of the way through I became frustrated that the flame didn't stay on long enough to burn properly, so the notes got read out only once and many matches were used to burn the paper. At the end I finished with "We individually and universally resonate, emanate, and are interconnected with all life in an acquiescent calm; in all moments," and put Joy oil on my wrists.

When it was time for baby's afternoon nap, I started Jen Ward's Release the Anger marathon tapping but I yawned so much in the first couple of sentences and fell asleep not long after. Yawning usually signifies releases, and sleep the integration of the shifts. I will attempt to do them again later.

Day 51 - A Tale of a Violent Little Christian Girl

Something happened when I was 13. I don't remember what brought it up to the surface, but it's been around for a week wanting my attention. I've been waking up with 'angry', about it and other instances. Using eft, calming scents, and gratitude seemed to only mask the core issue.

Having a chat to the feeling about it, the underlying issue came to this:
Not being believed it happened.
Resentment to easily distributed forgiveness.
Unexplained reason.
Being an 'other'.

Analysing the list backwards (because, why not?)

I will always be dealing with being an 'other.' While I have now come to embrace it as part of my identity, it sometimes creeps back out to challenge my self-esteem and sense of belonging. I often counter it with the Cheshire Kitten song.



There are always going to be unexplained actions. All actions by other people are 'unexplained,' and in fact they don't owe me explanations for their existence. Let alone something that happened from over 10 years ago. I sometimes can't explain my own actions. It doesn't make their actions excusable. It helps to realise I've done things that may have been hurtful, intentionally or unintentionally, both with apology and never having the opportunity to apologise.

Resentment of forgiveness, or staying in a very narrow definition of forgiveness as handed out by select special group of individuals. With this particular memory, I seem to be stuck in that time's understanding of forgiveness process instead of bringing my current awareness to it to shift the wrong done.

And now for the story, to be told. Because I believe it happened. Written on the page I can revisit this story any time, and my readers can take away what they feel.

One lunch time, a girl hit me repeatedly with her lunch box. Nobody around me did anything to stop. I was too scared to get up from her assault. I was scared of not being believed this particular person did it. I was scared the teachers would explain away her actions as 'forgiven in Christ', that I deserved it as an unbeliever. I was scared of knocking off this perfect example of a preacher's daughter for her minor violence. I wasn't sure if it counted as violence, since it was a lunch box, as opposed to say, a stick or her hands. I was scared that if I retaliated I would be the one in trouble for being violent to this perfect student. Because nobody around me said anything during or after, I wasn't sure if it actually happened.

Then it was repeated the next day. All the thoughts from previous day repeated again. Later that afternoon at home, I told mum my back hurt from where I've been hit. There was no bruise to show. She didn't have much to say about it, the pain faded the next day, and the whole incident was forgotten about.

With almost daily news of children in supposed care that are not in a caring environment, especially the news of attempted murder at a local school, is one of the reasons why I am feeling cautious about putting myself and baby in a facilitated educational environment.

Day 50 - Grounded Connection to Inspired Ideas

I watched last night's episode of Anne Aleckson TV this morning. This episode (and the bonus audio) shows a technique on how to connect head-in-the-cloud inspirations and roots-to-the-ground stability in the expansiveness of open heart-space.



Anne Aleckson TV Episode 4 

Day 49 - Self-Care List

Flashbacks took me to bizarre memories of un-self-worth from the past, which should have no correlation to where I am now (besides the usual cause-and-effect actions and reactions that brought me to this very point). They were taking me to a very low place.

It took me three goes to find the exact article I was looking for, which added to the frustration. By this time I had a dozing baby in my arm, who would be agitated if I put her down. So the immediate actions to take were the ones I could do one-handed. I was determined to do all of them one by one, when I could.

#1 Drink water
This I could do. I turned over a cup and placed it on the bench. Then I got the water jug and poured water in it. I put the jug down, came back to the cup, and drank.

#2 Eat protein
Thankfully a bag of salted nuts were available at eye height in the pantry. I ate til satisfied, and found it amusing how the salt would have cancelled out the first activity of drinking water.

#3 Shower
Interpreting this to mean "have I showered in the last 24 hours?" I answered 'Yes,' as I did last night.

#4 & #5 Change your clothes
While I couldn't move while nap time, I stopped this typing and changed out of pajamas and put clean clothes on.

#6 Stretch your legs
This also, was done yesterday. But of course it's worth doing again. I flexed my feet and toes as I sat with the baby.

#7 Genuinely compliment somebody
I scrolled Facebook for a post I could comment on. A friend posted a video of her baby walking around the shops so I commented on that.

#8 Dance to music
Music was already on. The first chance I got after baby woke up, changed her and then remembered about this one, was the Longest Time by Billy Joel.

#9 Hug somebody
Boobing a baby to sleep definitely counted as a 'somebody.'

#10 Complete something
I made a short list of things that I had been meaning to but hadn't gotten around yet. I could then see what was the easiest thing. I decided that cooking three packs of meat to freeze was the simplest task to complete.

#11 Take a selfie
I posted an unglamorous photo of my face in a private group. I had not washed my face or done my hair for the morning. A slight headache pulsed when my neck tilted at a certain angle. I forced a smile. But being entertained by trying out different phone positions I was smiling for real within a minute.

#12 Plan the day
See #10. Writing out the list helped me visualise what I was doing for today.

#13 See a therapist
I don't have any booked or gone to one recently. I counted #11's act of posting in the group as a kind of therapy, as I get great vibes and support there (and also where I originally looked for the posted article)

#14 Have a break
Just had come back from a holiday it wasn't applicable. However it was great to remember that yesterday I had disabled the news feed from closed groups which gives me the boundary of reading things posted there in my own space instead of being bombarded with sensitive material all the time.

#15 Change of medication
I had not taken probiotics since the jar ran out. I must get some during the next shop.

#16 Wait a week
This advice goes along the same principle of living by the seasons. Menstruation will continue, though lightly, for a few more days. And then I will have natural motivation instead of pushing myself.

Original list from To Save A Life: http://www.tosavealife.com/for-when-youre-actually-not-okay-a-self-care-printable/