Day 55 - 7/12/2015

It's a great moment when panic is reassured that there are no further damage. I thought I would be penalised further for not paying the parking fine on time, I was upset that the online payment option was not available yesterday, and the question of am I even heading into the right building and office? The customer service person reassured me that it was okay, agreed with me what a frustrating situation it was.

I also made a call to two friends who listened that I wasn't okay but diverted me to catching up and laughing about a few things.

Today's cards were:
Honey & Coffee

The sweetness of life

Honey was believed by ancient cultures to be the food of the gods. As a medicine, honey is an aid to both internal and external healing. On an emotional level, honey can soothe frayed nerves.
"I open my soul to my own natural sweetness."

The stimulation of life

Coffee is not only a drink that stimulates and satisfies but a medicine with powerful healings. Esoterically coffee represents our desire for stimulation.
"Life excites and delights me."

From Nature's Healing Oracle

Day 54 - 6/12/2015

Spider

Trust the creative spark you're feeling, and express it through writing stories that inspire and enlighten

"You may find yourself easily distracted, either with other's needs for your time and attention or with those negative thoughts and beliefs that are the product of judgements and shame that you were subjected to during childhood. A powerful way to release these habitual and self-limiting thoughts and feelings is to write about them in story form. As you do so, don't hold back anything. Through such a catharsis, you heal those words that had originally wounded you."

Messages from your Animal Spirit Guides Oracle Cards

Friends of authors already know this warning.

What you don't know is of whom you meet that are potential future authors.

Spiders are also dreamweavers, they come with the potential of manifesting your desires. Please do try to appreciate them when they come to you.

Day 53 - Honouring Chaos Beginnings

The plan was for me to go out mid-morning with baby, and H to clean the house. It didn't happen as I had a panic attack and went back to bed instead. Baby had her nap as well and we stayed in bed for over 2 hours. She stirred a few times but went back to sleep quickly with and without my assistance. I got out of bed because my phone was running out of charge.

One of the conversations on Facebook offered me some peppermint tea. I took her up on the offer, kind of, and put peppermint oil on my hands and heart space, and made myself green tea. I also opened the Joy bottle to smell.

To shift my state further, I asked H if he would like pie for lunch. He agreed, and I put the pies in the oven to cook for 50 minutes.

Baby was still asleep.

I asked Earth Magic Oracle Cards what this unsettledness, today and all this week, meant.

Dreamtime/Creation, Childhood/Innocence, Dawn/New Beginnings

Immediately I got CHAOS CHAOS and NEW YEARS. Literally, the end of the year, the child's joy of holidays, all the creating I've been doing recently. Also a reminder that we are still at the beginnings of things, even though we've been in it for a while, with marriage, child, and parenthood.

Their messages were:
* Allow yourself to take risks with self-expression
* The wisdom and faith that you accrued from your life experience are the key to recapturing state of innocence.
* It is time to say farewell to the old and honour the new by releasing any self-imposed constraints or resistance to the truth that you know.

Day 52 - Burn Release (Anger)

There is a collective unsettled feeling globally, and a few people have written/spoken about encouraging to release anger, resentment, sorrow etc. I wrote about a brief encounter with something from 20 years ago that resurfaced and did not shift for a week, along with all the other gunk.

I got post-it notes to write what I was angry about. It took several goes to complete it, in between baby needs. I included some of baby's complaints as well.

After lunch I quickly visualised connecting the head space and feet space with a grounding and highest potential mists, and a drop of PanAway at my heart space. I prepared baby's safe space near me but away from the cauldron.

One by one I read out loud what was written on the post-it notes and tapped them. Depending on the context, the beginnings differed such as "Even though I'm 'angry', 'sad,' 'still raging mad' about," and the endings finished with "I completely and truly love myself," "I'm okay," and "I'm whole and complete."

Around 2/3 of the way through I became frustrated that the flame didn't stay on long enough to burn properly, so the notes got read out only once and many matches were used to burn the paper. At the end I finished with "We individually and universally resonate, emanate, and are interconnected with all life in an acquiescent calm; in all moments," and put Joy oil on my wrists.

When it was time for baby's afternoon nap, I started Jen Ward's Release the Anger marathon tapping but I yawned so much in the first couple of sentences and fell asleep not long after. Yawning usually signifies releases, and sleep the integration of the shifts. I will attempt to do them again later.

Day 51 - A Tale of a Violent Little Christian Girl

Something happened when I was 13. I don't remember what brought it up to the surface, but it's been around for a week wanting my attention. I've been waking up with 'angry', about it and other instances. Using eft, calming scents, and gratitude seemed to only mask the core issue.

Having a chat to the feeling about it, the underlying issue came to this:
Not being believed it happened.
Resentment to easily distributed forgiveness.
Unexplained reason.
Being an 'other'.

Analysing the list backwards (because, why not?)

I will always be dealing with being an 'other.' While I have now come to embrace it as part of my identity, it sometimes creeps back out to challenge my self-esteem and sense of belonging. I often counter it with the Cheshire Kitten song.



There are always going to be unexplained actions. All actions by other people are 'unexplained,' and in fact they don't owe me explanations for their existence. Let alone something that happened from over 10 years ago. I sometimes can't explain my own actions. It doesn't make their actions excusable. It helps to realise I've done things that may have been hurtful, intentionally or unintentionally, both with apology and never having the opportunity to apologise.

Resentment of forgiveness, or staying in a very narrow definition of forgiveness as handed out by select special group of individuals. With this particular memory, I seem to be stuck in that time's understanding of forgiveness process instead of bringing my current awareness to it to shift the wrong done.

And now for the story, to be told. Because I believe it happened. Written on the page I can revisit this story any time, and my readers can take away what they feel.

One lunch time, a girl hit me repeatedly with her lunch box. Nobody around me did anything to stop. I was too scared to get up from her assault. I was scared of not being believed this particular person did it. I was scared the teachers would explain away her actions as 'forgiven in Christ', that I deserved it as an unbeliever. I was scared of knocking off this perfect example of a preacher's daughter for her minor violence. I wasn't sure if it counted as violence, since it was a lunch box, as opposed to say, a stick or her hands. I was scared that if I retaliated I would be the one in trouble for being violent to this perfect student. Because nobody around me said anything during or after, I wasn't sure if it actually happened.

Then it was repeated the next day. All the thoughts from previous day repeated again. Later that afternoon at home, I told mum my back hurt from where I've been hit. There was no bruise to show. She didn't have much to say about it, the pain faded the next day, and the whole incident was forgotten about.

With almost daily news of children in supposed care that are not in a caring environment, especially the news of attempted murder at a local school, is one of the reasons why I am feeling cautious about putting myself and baby in a facilitated educational environment.

Day 50 - Grounded Connection to Inspired Ideas

I watched last night's episode of Anne Aleckson TV this morning. This episode (and the bonus audio) shows a technique on how to connect head-in-the-cloud inspirations and roots-to-the-ground stability in the expansiveness of open heart-space.



Anne Aleckson TV Episode 4 

Day 49 - Self-Care List

Flashbacks took me to bizarre memories of un-self-worth from the past, which should have no correlation to where I am now (besides the usual cause-and-effect actions and reactions that brought me to this very point). They were taking me to a very low place.

It took me three goes to find the exact article I was looking for, which added to the frustration. By this time I had a dozing baby in my arm, who would be agitated if I put her down. So the immediate actions to take were the ones I could do one-handed. I was determined to do all of them one by one, when I could.

#1 Drink water
This I could do. I turned over a cup and placed it on the bench. Then I got the water jug and poured water in it. I put the jug down, came back to the cup, and drank.

#2 Eat protein
Thankfully a bag of salted nuts were available at eye height in the pantry. I ate til satisfied, and found it amusing how the salt would have cancelled out the first activity of drinking water.

#3 Shower
Interpreting this to mean "have I showered in the last 24 hours?" I answered 'Yes,' as I did last night.

#4 & #5 Change your clothes
While I couldn't move while nap time, I stopped this typing and changed out of pajamas and put clean clothes on.

#6 Stretch your legs
This also, was done yesterday. But of course it's worth doing again. I flexed my feet and toes as I sat with the baby.

#7 Genuinely compliment somebody
I scrolled Facebook for a post I could comment on. A friend posted a video of her baby walking around the shops so I commented on that.

#8 Dance to music
Music was already on. The first chance I got after baby woke up, changed her and then remembered about this one, was the Longest Time by Billy Joel.

#9 Hug somebody
Boobing a baby to sleep definitely counted as a 'somebody.'

#10 Complete something
I made a short list of things that I had been meaning to but hadn't gotten around yet. I could then see what was the easiest thing. I decided that cooking three packs of meat to freeze was the simplest task to complete.

#11 Take a selfie
I posted an unglamorous photo of my face in a private group. I had not washed my face or done my hair for the morning. A slight headache pulsed when my neck tilted at a certain angle. I forced a smile. But being entertained by trying out different phone positions I was smiling for real within a minute.

#12 Plan the day
See #10. Writing out the list helped me visualise what I was doing for today.

#13 See a therapist
I don't have any booked or gone to one recently. I counted #11's act of posting in the group as a kind of therapy, as I get great vibes and support there (and also where I originally looked for the posted article)

#14 Have a break
Just had come back from a holiday it wasn't applicable. However it was great to remember that yesterday I had disabled the news feed from closed groups which gives me the boundary of reading things posted there in my own space instead of being bombarded with sensitive material all the time.

#15 Change of medication
I had not taken probiotics since the jar ran out. I must get some during the next shop.

#16 Wait a week
This advice goes along the same principle of living by the seasons. Menstruation will continue, though lightly, for a few more days. And then I will have natural motivation instead of pushing myself.

Original list from To Save A Life: http://www.tosavealife.com/for-when-youre-actually-not-okay-a-self-care-printable/